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old people with oxygen tanks are sneaking away to live in an underwater utopia
My ex DM’d me to say I’m acting creepy then unfollowed me. Luckily, I have his password so I just refollowed myself and told him he’s wrong.
I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
For an extra ten grand I’ll make it look like an accident and for an extra 20 I’ll make it look like a HILARIOUS accident
Nobody knows how much work I put into looking only this fat.
PERSONAL TRAINER: so how much do you bench?
ME: a fair bit but I usually bed or sofa.
Sorry I ate all your cake after you passed out and then drew your angry eyebrows on so you’d be ready to discuss it when you woke up.
the only other single person at this wedding is my nephew fml
It’s not a dad bod, it’s a father figure.
Name another movie that mislead you?
The difference between the kids table and the adults table during holiday dinners is that there is much more screaming, crying, and arguing at the adults table.
The letter C should make a “ch” sound. S and K got the rest covered. Waste of prime alphabet real estate and does nothing original without help from my man H.
You can literally be in Autozone and your kid will still want something. WTF you want a alternator?
pony: is this your card?
me: yes! cool trick!
pony: thanks
me: can you do any others?
pony: *sighs* no
UPS delivery tracking is like “your shipment is on a truck which is currently parked next to your house. Estimated delivery is 9 days from now.”
Forget what you’re wearing, the song stuck in your head when you die is the song stuck in your ghost’s head for eternity
My mate called me an idiot for always getting my idioms wrong but it takes one to know someone.
Canned, not stirred.
[lights pickle]
“I can’t please everybody.”
“You’re not pleasing anybody.”
“So you agree with me.”
Sometimes when my boyfriend makes a racist joke I am like Ugh why did I even imagine you?
I don’t believe in astrology but I’m pretty sure the planet controlling your life is Earth.
doc: so how are you feeling
me: awful
doc: *phew* I hate to ruin a good mood
Wife: Please don’t tell any of your “jokes” at my work party. You’re gonna look like an idiot.
[later]
Me:
Me: Mmm…I love your milky white skin.
Him: Ma’am are you registered for this class?
Me: Yes
Him: Step away from the CPR doll and sit down.
I just got unfollowed by a woman that just started following me yesterday, so I guess I just had my first one night stand on twitter.
[Friday night]
Wife: *tells me weekend plans*[Saturday morning]
Me: What are we doing this weekend?
Oh to be a house cat and simply slap the shit out of anything in front of me that I do not understand
Some guy just smiled at me at the store and I didn’t know what to do; so I gave this half smirk, half confused look and I’m pretty sure he thinks I have gas
I lost 6 hours of sleep last night, lying in bed wondering if Muppets get haircuts.
DON’T EVER CATCH UP ON YOUR LAUNDRY
YOUR KIDS WILL GET A STOMACH BUG AND BARF ON EVERYTHING
{big laundry wrestles the microphone away from me}
IT’S A TRAP!
HEY LET GO OF ME!