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Marriage 1st Year.
Husband: Hey, beautiful, I’ve got candles lit and sexy music, ready for a night of romance?
Me: *blushes*Marriage 6th Year:
Husband: The kids are asleep, wanna have sex real quick?
Me: I literally just poured the milk on my cereal.
My cousin got hit by a car while jogging this morning. Drunk driver plowed right through the front of his Planet Fitness
My boss says I intimidate the other employees, so I just stared at him until he apologized
[awkwardly waving to another killer as we dump bodies in the same forest]
When I ask, “Is it genetic?” What I’m really asking is, “Can I blame my ancestors?”
Walmart stopped selling hoverboards due to safety concerns. In case you were curious about those empty shelves between the guns and the ammo
Feng shui consultant: The refrigerator shouldn’t be next to the couch.
Me: You’re fired.
Tom drives smooth: Tom Cruise
Tom hasn’t left yet: Tom Waits
Tom taking low road: Tom Petty
humans only use 10% of their treadmills
My 3 year old reported seeing a spider-cricket and I couldn’t find it so we’re outside watching the house burn.
Decided to go to the public pool since my kids wouldn’t stop nagging me all summer about going and it wasn’t actually bad. I just wish I took the kids.
Thanks to technology, family members from across the country can still have meetings to discuss what a disappointment you are.
Why is it called “Alien vs Predator”? Isn’t predator an alien too? They should’ve just called it “Some Aliens”
IT guy just called to say “ok, you’re cute” I told him that’s sweet but I don’t actually date at work, he paused for a long time and said the application you asked me about? It’s queued.
Everyone’s gangster until they pull a push door.
Literally infuriating seeing so many people still going out to pubs. I came here for a quiet drink!
You pulled out in front of me.
Now you’re going slow.
I don’t like my car.
I will win this one.
“Why tattoos? You wouldn’t put stickers on a nice car.” Ma’am I am at best a 2003 Corolla.
*quits Twitter to spend time with family*
*remembers what family is like*
*quits family for Twitter*
My 4yo just saw two people french kissing on TV and asked me why they were “eating each other,” so I’m open to suggestions here.
The anger from one Canada goose, if harnassed properly, could power Toronto for a year
I got attacked by a cat with no claws today. Reminded me of getting mugged by a canadian…
Doglike cats are some of the sweetest, most adorable creatures on the planet. Catlike dogs emerged directly from a portal to hell
Her: omg are you crying over puppy videos?
Him: dammit woman, I’m the Headless Horseman, not the Heartless Horseman
I keep a list of all the people who get on my nerves so I know who’s getting the glittery Christmas cards.
I’ve studied enough modern theater to know that inviting another couple over for dinner never ends well.
Dating a drug dealer in ur early adulthood is absolute necessary character development
Pretty sure the inventor of noise-canceling headphones had a young kid trying to learn a band instrument.
This burrito reminds me of the time I accidentally opened the wrong can of food when I was drunk.
Dog food…I accidentally ate dog food.
“i am a sweet baby”
