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My wife just suggested that we change into something more comfortable, so you know what that means.
Spaghetti night. It’s spaghetti night.
7: I don’t want you to have any more babies
Me: That’s okay because I’m not having any more babies
7: Good, but I’m still gonna worry till you’re 50
*first day as a lawyer*
Bailiff: All rise for the judge.
Me: *too lazy* Objection.
Please stop inventing new slang words so quickly. I’m having trouble not becoming my grandmother.
Awww it’s cute how your baby pulls my hair. Like she doesn’t realise I will pull hers right back.
My husband just walked in the bedroom and said “love of my life look alike contest… you already won” lmfao
No I don’t want to “just follow you” give me the damn address.
“Huh?” – Wonder Woman
me: omg I cannot WAIT for summer
also me: omg I’m soooo hot I am DYING
Someone just posted an article on Facebook and said “file this under sad.” WAS I SUPPOSED TO BE FILING EVERYTHING
healthy as a horse? they literally can’t walk down the street without shitting themselves but sure, ok
Friend: *crying* I’ve been to Hell and back.
Me: *hugging her* Did you bring me a souvenir?
friend: can i tell you something
me: give me the double vhs titanic version sis
Own two different pasta machines.
still make cup noodles with the Keurig.
This is exactly why pilots do a ‘walk around’ prior to flying. If not, the low tyre pressure on this aircraft (left in picture) would not have been detected. #Safety
*first time seeing a musical
“WHY ARE THEY DOING THAT?!! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD MAKE IT STOP!”
Who decided that the abbreviation for pound should be two letters it doesn’t contain?
Do not apologize for your dog coming up to me because this is exactly what I wanted
Women across the Twitterverse get random nudity requests, and I? I get a request for a voice note of me blowing my nose.
The toilet seat moving unexpectedly has to be the scariest shit that can happen to you where you’re in absolutely no danger whatsoever
By Kate Hatos
Now that I am a parent I am confident that the reason my parents had to “check my Halloween candy” was NOT because of razor blades and drugs.
When you think about it, ‘I’ll pray for you’ is essentially saying ‘I’ll talk to myself about your problem’. Good luck!
The hardest part about Halloween dinner is the buttering of the candy corn.
My wife just discovered that Idris Elba playing James Bond was just a rumor and that he has no desire to “dress that fine and fight like that so [she] can watch him.”
Please respect our privacy in this difficult time.
How many lost cats walk by the telephone pole with their missing flier on it? Just another reason to teach your cat to read.
I only want to be cremated if they use real cream.
If there was a game show where people have to find a phone charger before their phone dies I would win the million dollars
I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.
Whenever your girlfriend tells you she’s on her period remember not to say things like “that explains it”.