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A lady on NextDoor just asked for a pet psychic that could really blow her mind and honestly, stay gold NextDoor.
You can’t ask your friends to pack all their lavender clothes in a go bag and come to a secluded cabin and then brand them with an unintelligible symbol without someone getting needlessly suspicious that it’s the beginning of a cult
YES I’M JEALOUS OF YOUR GOLDFISH. MENTAL ILLNESS RUNS IN MY FAMILY.
For the last 60 days, a guy from Tinder has texted me some variation of “Hi. How are you?”
I reply, “Good. You?”
And the conversation trails off there or after a few more texts.
He never makes plans to go out.
I guess he’s just making an Excel spreadsheet about how I am.
I stab myself a little bit every day to slowly build up an immunity to being stabbed to death.
I’m not defending anyone, I’m just saying I’ve seen some sexy couches.
Interviewer: u worked in sales before?
Me: yeah
Interviewer: what’s your background?
Me [gets phone out]: picture of my dog eating spaghetti
I want to make fun of kanye but I’m always losing my shit on the internet too.
It feels mighty hypocritical.
i know a guy who loves saying “best thing since sliced bread” and i imagine hes always at a grocery store lookin at bread and just losing it
Changing my name to ‘free unlimited high-speed wifi’ so everyone will love me.
I just bought an answering machine! What should I ask it???
One man’s trash is another man’s why the f*** is your trash in my yard.
I’m single in quarantine and just found a box of googly eyes. I’m going to place them on objects around the house because I miss social anxiety.
tums is missing out on selling pumpkin spice flavored antacid and calling it autums.
There are four main food groups:
1. Canned
2. Frozen
3. Drive-thru
4. Fried
Instead of sending friends Christmas cards, is it ok If I return the ones I got and just add the words “Me too”?
Remind the demons under your bed that you’re the landlord, raise the rent.
I just finished a 5 year relationship. Luckily it wasn’t mine.
[spelling bee finals]
JUDGE: your word is “asterisk”
KID: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: *adjusts mic* yes
*returning from an epic vacation of cool sightseeing, yummy foods, gorgeous hikes, stunning beaches, abundant wildlife, etc.*
Teacher: How was your vacation?
My son: A human pooped on the sidewalk.
My friend: My fridge broke down, all my ice cream is gonna melt!
Me:
Me: Step aside.
“My desires are… unconventional.”
“Show me.”
*opens door to a room full of memes*
But what if options were limited, and portions were small and overpriced?
– Food Trucks
not to be a complainer but if dogs can have treats to clean their teeth why can’t we
Pretty much. 🤣
Why does James Bond keep telling people his real name? Worst. Spy. Ever.
when someone is in a Christmas eve panic, I always find that “well maybe you should have thought of that sooner” is a helpful phrase
Me, being boiled into a soup: This is nice.
You ever tried driving the speed limit and thought, “They can’t be serious.”
[Kitchen]
*I open the swear jar to discover someone used the last swear yet put the empty jar back in the refrigerator*
ME: {dead air but my mouth is moving}