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Husband: Do you want to go for a run today?
Me: *drawing a giant pumpkin on my stomach* Nah, I’m good.
Wife: we can’t curse around the kids anymore.
Me: what should I say instead of bull-
Wife: shhh say snake instead.
Me: [whispers] this is snakeshit.
A woman on the elevator just told me I have a very nice speaking voice and should do something with it.
Like, uh… talk?
The company hates when I helicopter into work.
It’s always, “zip up your pants and go see HR now!”
Me: Wanna high five with our hearts?
Teammate: For the last time. It’s called a chest bump.
I asked my dad if there were any advantages to being in your eighties. He said, “Well, no one tries to sell me extended warranties anymore.”
My (32F) husband (36M) wants to start a ‘restaurant for magicians’, and it is tearing our family apart
“I totally didn’t say that.” – God
[party]
friend: that piñata you picked out looks so lifelike
piñata: *struggles against ropes*
I like to throw bottles into the ocean with notes that just say, k.
got kicked out of Home Depot for trying to ride the forklift into the bathroom again
Not too drunk to do the project but too drunk to drive to Home Depot. So you see my dilemma.
[brings Kevin Bacon to a knife fight]
[Kevin Bacon gets foot stuck in a drain]
[Kevin Bacon’s about to drown]
[Everybody cuts foot loose]
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get into and then out of the shower.
True story: The tweets of a guy I follow that are always talking about Victorian people started making a lot more sense when I realised he lives in Victoria, Australia.
When Hulk wrecks shit he’s “incredible.” When I do it I’m “causing a scene” and “need to leave this Arby’s immediately.”
Not even the staff thought I’d be getting out of the hospital this early – I snuck a peek at my chart and the nurse had written “unusual discharge”
Home Alone is my favorite movie about the inevitable homicidal tendencies that come from prolonged neglect.
If your smol dog fren beelines for me, running across your yard, do not yell for him. If this is how I die, mauled by a floof, so be it.
On a scale of 1 – 10 where 10 is being up on technology and 1 is washing clothes by beating them on a rock, I’m about a 5.
Me: My body is a temple
Personal Trainer: But what about all the food and wine and parties?
Me: It’s a temple to Dionysus
Drying the waistband of my jeans with a hairdryer as God intended.
[High Stakes Poker]
Dealer: Are you in or are you out?
Schrödinger’s Cat: [For the 20th time]
BOTH
[Player flips table]
My gf thought it was so cute when she found out I owned a pair of tap shoes
Until I got drunk, and put them on
If your Tesla catches fire and locks you inside it’s not a problem, you just have to look up a ten minute YouTube video to figure out how to escape
Pro-tip to avoid corona-virus
Eat garlic.
Lots of garlic.
It won’t do anything against the virus, but it will keep other people away.
A fun way to get exercise is grab a chainsaw and chase a hiker.
“One box of murder hornets, please. And yes, it’s a gift.”