You Might Also Like
man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot
me: you could say I made a *looks to camera* grave mistake
man: and her body has been stolen
me: that’s a *winks* grave miss take
man: and someone spilled drink on her coffin
me: *slurping straw* that’s a grave milkshake
Why was Darth Vader referred to as Lord Vader?
Because calling him Master Vader made all the Stormtroopers giggle.
Her: Put your finger on it!
Me: Like this?
Her: Oh yeah, I can finish now!
-Making the perfect bow
i got the covid booster and a flu shot earlier today and the guy giving it to me was like “are you getting this for school or work?” and i panicked and said “for fun”
saw a couple walking into trader joe’s and the girl said “wow look at all the pretty flowers” and the guy replied “oh yeah it must be flower season” please pray for him
Shot pool with my 15yo son.
Taught him a valuable lesson.
You can restart a video game 1000 times.
You can only lose your allowance once.
[Bar]
me: Gimme one more
wife: I think you’ve had enough
m: Last one
w: Fine
m: *asks waitress for another kids menu so I can do the maze*
I hear they’re banning honking up there in Canada. Those geese are gonna be pissed…
I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
I just wanna be rich enough to not have to run onstage after concerts to get my bra back
HER: where were u last nite
ME: *turns on airplane mode*
HER: did u just say *turns on airplane mode*???
An F wouldn’t be such bad grade if the scale went from A to Z. That’d be like a…whatever percent. Sorry, I got a W in math.
Self-cleaning conscience
Hitting people with a metal yard stick while wearing a “SOCIAL DISTANCING OFFICER” badge is now perfectly legal.
Bury me in a werewolf costume so when I come back as a zombie people will be like “lol what”
Co-worker small talk at work today: How was your weekend?
Me: Don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it
Not long enough ahhh haha ha
Uh oh. Mercury is in lemonade again.
Dear Snapchat, I don’t care what I look like as a strawberry, just give me a filter that makes me look like I showered.
FOUND: 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED RATS LIVING IN LOCAL DUMPSTER.
PLEASE CONTACT IF YOUR 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED PET RATS ARE MISSING.
[being murdered]
omg yay i never get picked for anything
The rumor that I’m secretly creating a zombie apocalypse to generate demand for flamethrowers is completely false
I know it’s rude to ask someone about their pregnancy if you’re unsure, but my hubby looks about 4 months along & the suspense is killing me
I just got a DM from a chick asking for a retweet and she didn’t even attempt to tell me how good looking or funny I was first, so rude.
She was like “I’ll see you in hell” and I was like “omg I have a date”
Hubs: You didn’t do anything today did you?
Me: I did the dishes.
Hubs: There was only one.
Me: Fine I did THE dish. Happy?
Her: Why is that expression on your face?
Me: I’m trying to remember your name.
Her: It’s Kelly.
Me: No that’s not it.
[me, at Hot Topic] ah yes, bring me your hottest topics, my good man
me: i just get the feeling ppl don’t like me, you understand, right?
therapist: no i totally get it
Monday Lisa
![]()