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“Sandwich artist” is a bit pretentious sir when you’re actually a subcontractor.
crazy how my parents yelled at me as a child to “prepare me for the real world” when the only person who consistently yells at me is my cat
My son went into a bank 5 mins ago and I’m waiting in the car. Now I’m hearing sirens in the distance and I’m hoping I’m not a getaway car.
“What do you see in him?”
– me to the x-ray tech imaging my kid
[boxing match]
ANNOUNCER: …and the challenger weighing 8lbs 7oz, Billy “The Baby” Sanchez
CHAMP: That’s a real baby
TRAINER: You got this
i will avenge u mr van gogh
Forever grateful that thought bubbles aren’t a real thing
HR: Alright people, let’s be a little more sensitive to Linda because she’s pregnant with child
Sally [who is pregnant with a hedgehog]: *sigh*
Apple CEO announces he’s gay. Samsung CEO announces he’s more gay and water resistant.
My husband referred to one of my freckles as an age spot. Details to come on a candlelight vigil held in his honor.
Me: I CAN’T BELIEVE THAT PERSON THINKS I LOOK LIKE I’M IN MY LATE THIRTIES
Also me: is 40
Wasps: bees, but not helping
dating tip #4: when meeting her brother for the 1st time make sure when he goes for the handshake u kiss him on the lips to assert dominance
Do I need to look nice or can I go as the sewer rat that I am?
– How I ask what the dress code is.
“I want to see my lawyer” – grilled chicken
[planning bank heist]
leader: we need a fall guy
me: [walks in wearing a flannel and carrying a pumpkin spiced latte]
leader: he’s perfect
Son’s journal entry
💯 sweet 💯 inaccurate on all counts
Eulogies are just goth stand-up.
I made the cutest little Easter baskets with leaves and fronds. My neighbor is still wondering who sawed off the top of his palm tree.
judge: my god
divorce lawyer whispers to my wife: we got him
When my youngest was 3, he wrote “dad” on the coffee table in Sharpie.
When I asked him who did that, he glanced at me, studied the coffee table, looked me right in the eye and said, “It looks like dad did it.”
I continue to blame my ex-husband for this at least once a year.
Where the hell are all the scissors?!
– a parenting memoir
i gotta stop wearing clothes that have recently washed up on shore
Hotline for families: 407-246-4357 #Orlando
Me: The worst thing about quarantine is that I’m running low on hot sauce.
BFF: Why you lying?
In my life Ive spent 90% of my money on drugs, drinking and women. The other 10% I wasted.
Waiter, Waiter, will my pizza be long?
No sir, it will be round.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Working from home is fun because a tiny version of myself is dancing in their underwear next to me as I try to maintain a straight face during a meeting