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boss: my secretary said you needed to see me urgently.
me confident I’ll get the raise I want because I found out his gamer tag: that’s right punished_gordon.
When my wife says “Guess what today is.”
If they ever find my body next to a treadmill, just know that I was murdered somewhere else and my body was dumped there.
A grasshopper just jumped onto my foot and I reacted like I was being attacked by a shark.
Heavens to Betsy
Betsy to Heavens
Heavens BACK to Betsy
Betsy-GOOOOOAAAALLLLLLLL
Can you cross-breed tropical birds? I want to try, but I’ve got nothing toucan-parrot-too.
sometimes, late at night, i’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
the “don’t confuse your google search with my medical degree” thing is especially funny to me bc i’ve seen my doctors google my symptoms in appointments
Let’s send Sarah out into a swamp in a dress.
– news stations
My mom is terrified of how fast I drive on the freeway, so I’m preparing a soothing little playlist for when she comes to visit in a few weeks
“Please use handrail. Or you know what? Go on, break your neck because you didn’t use the handrail just to spite me.”
-if my mom had been the recorded voice at the airport
[dinner]
prince eric:ariel:
prince eric: I’m sorry I’m still uncomfortable eating seafood now that I know they can sing
ariel: no no, not this crab
prince eric: *taking bite* ok, good
ariel: he was just a backup dancer
Kills Two mosquitoes with spray.
*writes DEADLY ASSASSIN in bio*
*decorating the tree*
6yo: Dad, can I help?
Me: Of course! First we string the lights, then we show Mommy & she tells us what we did wrong.
That time a cat set off an atomic bomb in my coffee
Technically, a millennial is anyone who had to learn cursive but never had to use it.
Today is the Winter Solstice, the shortest day of the year. Unless, of course, you’re waiting in line at Wal-mart.
“Sarcasm will take you nowhere in the world”, my friend kept saying.
“It got me to the international Sarcasm finals in Monaco in 2017”
“Really “?
“No”
Bouncer: Your friends can go in but not you, you go home
Me: Perfect, say it just like that when I turn up later
“Sandwich artist” is a bit pretentious sir when you’re actually a subcontractor.
15: I found a great song. Do you want to hear it?
M: Absolutely.
15: It’s called “Everybody Wants to Rule the World” by Tears for Fears.
M: *sings the entire song at the top of my lungs & dances around the living room*
15: Okay. I don’t like the song anymore.
Doing United States puzzle with 7 when he tells me that “Alabama should be called Mr. Sippi since it’s next to Mrs. Sippi.”
I don’t download pirated music or movies anymore because I simply no longer know how.
I would feel bad about teasing my brother about the cow scaring him but one dark night my dog chased an armadillo & the armadillo slammed into my front door while I was reading & tried to CLAW its way into my house & I screamed & it’s still known as “The Night Of The Armadillo”
me and my coworkers logging into all of our meetings remotely for the next couple of weeks
my boss: due to coronavirus, we will be making all meetings remote
me: [sensing opportunity] what if we didn’t have them at all, to be safe
You want me to make something homemade?? Girl I can’t even make my own serotonin.
“Taking candy from a baby” would actually be a responsible thing to do.
Found her drawer full of personal massage devices.
Poor thing. Her back must be killing her. Anyone know a good chiropractor?
I spent a lot of my childhood worrying about wearing red clothes and being chased by cows