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I always feel bad for seedless watermelon because what if they wanted to have babies.
Got kicked out of the pool for practicing synchronized swimming because my partner apparently “had no idea who I was or what I was doing.”
i asked my dad to send me a photo of his passport and he sent me a photo of the front of his closed passport
Based on 2020 thus far, I’m expecting the flying monkeys of Oz to show up any time now.
Just gonna drink light beers today because I don’t wanna get drunk but I do enjoy peeing 37 times.
I don’t mean to brag but I’ve perfected the confused look whenever my credit cards get declined
Waiter: Any questions about the menu?
Me: Exactly how old are these ancient grains? I don’t want to eat anything that’s expired.
In scandinavia they’re called fjarts
A group of guys with ponytails is called a flock of Steven Seagulls
Show me someone who says they’ve traveled to the four corners of the earth and I will show you someone who’s failed geometry and geography.
before u buy that mascara online ask urself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
I spent 2 hours at a gym looking angry with my arms crossed. The manager thought I worked there and gave me a raise
some stupid little amoeba decided to leave the ocean a billion years ago and now i have to worry that tomorrow is monday
Started making anti-inspirational greeting cards.
My son said he’d do something in a minute.
So far it’s been 185 days, 16 hours & 11 minutes but who’s counting.
So I go to McDonalds & I’m ordering my food & the car behind starts honking their horn bc I’m taking to long to order. So I go to the 1st window and paid for my food & theirs too. Then I got to the 2nd window to get my food and took theirs too.
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, unless of course, they’re feeding you kale.
I moisturize religiously because one of my grandmas has aged beautifully but one looks like emperor palpatine
saw girl I have crush on with her new fiance at Ikea but you know what they say, when God closes a Stǿrås Innjørdën he opens a Főnstǝrviviǵ
I could never be an Instagram mom influencer. For starters, I wouldn’t be able to give my kids a name like Banjo or Parmesan or Chandelier.
they should invent a hydrating liquor
doctor: god you’re unhealthy
me: we haven’t started the check-up
doctor: ya i just found your insta
I never knew an entire box of cereal was a serving size until I had a teenage son.
I’m so pale… I don’t send nudes, I send transparencies
My dad to me: When I was a kid, people would suffer paralysis and death from Polio.
Me to my son: When I was a kid, hand dryers barely did anything.
If you’re a size 0 we shouldn’t be able to see you.
I hate when I want to like a girl’s old picture to let her know I’m interested but I’ve already liked every single one.
I told my 4yo daughter to believe in herself because she can be anything she wants to be so now she’s busy preparing for her future life as a dinosaur
Adulthood is like the part in The Wizard of Oz where Dorothy tries to runaway from her problems, but then SURPRISE, there is also a tornado.
NEWLYWED FRIEND: i just love him so much, i always want to be around him!
ME: you haven’t heard him eat cereal yet, have you