You Might Also Like
When you’re too stoned to be in a meeting and someone asks your opinion just say “well it’s a numbers game” and watch everyone nod in agreement
[loud knocking]
“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”
Me: Prove it.
“HOW?”
Me: Sing “Roxanne.”
[puppy farm]
PUPPY: Crops look good this year
Ignoring your kids has become so easy thanks to smart phones. My poor dad spent 18 years staring blankly into space pretending not to hear any question I ever asked, and I don’t know if I’d have that same level of commitment.
They’re not all brilliant, but they’re all mine. Meaning my tweets, and maybe my kids, whatever.
Irregardless, for all intensive purposes, I could care less.
Client: “I want to learn how to use the ATM”
Me: “Sure no prob!”
~~~~*Standing outside in the rain in front of the ATM*
Me: “ok first put your card in the machine”
Client: “Oh I don’t have one”
Me *blinking intensely*
*My dentist, looking at a pork chop dangling from a string*
“You should floss more”
What idiot called it a tree trimmer instead of a branch manager?
[Nightclub]
Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* WHAT IS THE SOUP OF THE DAY
“See that guy over there? I have to serve him with papers today.”
-Oh really? Why?
“Because I lost my tennis racquet.”
For every basket of laundry you put away, two more appear
this is what happens when everyone feeds the same stray
6 more days, guys.. That’s December 26. The day everybody puts their shitty Xmas gifts on Ebay so poor people, like me, can buy them!
if she’s your girlfriend why does the mere sight of me make her scream “wow” louder than you ever could
Just got a job opening demanding 13-18 yrs of experience in iOS development.
Do they realize that the platform itself is 8 years old?
I wanted my girlfriend to give me some time alone so we got married.
Who called them ghosts instead of post-existing conditions?
What if Fox News is just an 18 year long infomercial for teeth whitener?
Best Halloween decoration so far. 😅
Little known fact: the eye is actually the least dangerous part of the entire tiger
13: I found a baggie of pot.
M: *takes it* Thank you, bringing it to an adult was the right thing to do. Now go outside and play for 3 hrs.
Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy John charge his wife for martinis
Frolicking:
The act of licking afros.
Just saw someone holding a sign that said “Honk 2 impeach Obama”
You’d think the process to impeach a president would be more complicated
Judge: Order in the court
[from the back]
Me: Can I get a large pepperoni pizza with… [puts hand over speaker and looks around] what?
Drank enough whiskey to talk the husband into a Titanic reenactment. He’s laying in the snow and I won’t share the picnic table with him.
screaming into balloons for an extra surprise when the kids pop them
I went on 3 dates with Elijah Wood before I realized he wasn’t Daniel Radcliffe