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Told my daughters they get to split the inheritance when we die and my 10 y/o asked, “Will you leave me more if I’m your lawyer?” She’s clearly ready for a legal career.
Wife: I told you not to buy the kids a trampoline.
Me: I didn’t
[bounce]
Me: buy the kids
[bounce]
Me: a trampoline.
[bounce].
[the first couples argument]
Adam: It’s Christmas Eve.
Eve: No, you idiot. Christmas is tomorrow.
I asked 4 how school was and she said Mrs Dixon was cross bc Freya ate her cookie before her macaroni cheese so Freya told Mrs Dixon it was hard to look at the cookie sitting there and not eat it and tbh this time Freya has my full support
I don’t want to be a boss babe. I want to be the old groundskeeper who warns guests there’s something terribly wrong with the estate then leaves in a hurry before sundown.
I just spilled my last beer while reaching over to hit “ignore caller” on my phone. Why do bad things happen to good people?
To the max.. 😂
Sound on
I’ve walked so much today my pigeons are killing me
[giving cops my statement after my house was robbed by the breakdancing burglar] no music but he was still hittin that shit
This is Diego. He likes to take the scenic route up the stairs. 13/10
Favourite diary entry ever
I’m single in quarantine and just found a box of googly eyes. I’m going to place them on objects around the house because I miss social anxiety.
7yo: Mom, did you really lose my tooth?
Me: I’m going to be completely hones-
7: *begins crying*
Me: Daddy did. He totally did.
I inform my 4 year old that she’s going to a friend’s house 5 minutes before we leave so she only asks me when we’re going 6000 times.
Sorry, I wasn’t really listening but that’s awesome, unless it isn’t of course.
as i search desperately for my floor, panic rises in lieu of the elevator
I want a man that loves to play video games, loves to watch sports, loves to hang out with his friends, loves to spend time with his family, loves to read, has a full time job, and who enjoys having time to himself. Basically, I need someone who will leave me alone constantly.
[therapy]
ME: *in tears* So anyway, that’s why I think she left me
PERSON ON ELEVATOR: Please, I have a family
All of these stories about missing campers.
Nobody has ever gone missing sitting on their couch.
Kids: We’re hungry!
Me: You’re in luck. I have just the thing.
The thing:
Overheard a baby crying in the grocery store the other day so I went over and joined him. I get it little dude, life is hard
My wife [sexily] – “why don’t we…turn out the light?”
Me, a moth – “no”
me: “we put statues of you in every church and we all wear necklaces in your memory”
jesus: “they better not be of me dying on a cross”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”
ME: i’m having a lovely time tonight
my date: why do u keep yelling “ME” before every sentence
Where’s the lie? 🤣🤣
PSA: Tipsy driving is drunk driving.
ME: i’d like a Big Bacon Classic, Chili Cheese Fries, and Coke
CASHIER: sir, this is a Wendy’s
ME:
CASHIER: sorry it’s just a reflex, we get a lot of weirdos here
It’s not Christmas until I see Snoopy eating 37 human femurs.
My husband just said the words every woman loves to hear, “Let’s order pizza tonight.”
Remember, smoking doesn’t kill people. People who are trying to quit smoking kill people.