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when Jason swung that sleeping bag with a girl in it against a tree in Friday the 13th, I bet for a brief moment the girl was like “wheeee!”
Garfield: I hate Mondays
Therapist: You don’t even have a job
me: another one, make it a double
hot dog vendor: how
*adds alone time to my Amazon wishlist*
I just start doing the Macarena when I want to end conversations now.
Ain’t no party like a pig farm party cuz a pig farm party got slop.
I’ve purchased a longer telephone cord so that I can remain on Neighborhood Watch and still talk to Fran.
the best part about filling out doctor appointment forms online is when you get there and they say “hello please fill out these forms”
i dont understand why two people reaching into the same bag of snacks at the same time is considered romantic. like excuse me you are in the way of my snacks
Darth Vader- Dark Lord
Ranger- park lord
Neighbor’s dog- bark lord
Marty Byrde- Ozark lord
Noah- ark lord
Twitter celebrity- checkmark lord
DEA chief- narc lord
Brandon- Stark lord
Sarah Silverman- snark lord
Mikhail Gorbachev- birthmark lord
I bet that at some point in history a baby ate a dingo.
I eat the fortune cookies and never read the fortune. Ever.
I just have a thing for really bad cookies.
When ITS SNOWING in SoCal you make a tiny snow dude ⛄️
I like to make lists. I also like to leave them laying on the kitchen counter and then guess what’s on the list while at the store. Fun game
a man walking his kids to school told me to “keep going” as I was running past as if I was about to lie down on the tarmac and give up without his intervention
My circle of trust is a meatball
GF: I think I’m gunna start a Twitter account
Me: *whips head around* I’ll help you set it up!
*Grabs GF’s phone and hurls it into the Sun*
Had a breakthrough with my therapist yesterday.
Never seen a man cry like that before.
people keep asking my pregnant ass what my cravings are. when you ask me that question my craving becomes a gun and a double shot of whiskey
I think my husband left me. I woke up and he’s gone. He better have taken these kids.
I was with my friend when he got pulled over and he said “just be cool” as if after a lifetime of trying I would suddenly figure it out then
-Can you describe the jellyfish that stung you?
-Yes, it looked like a lazy toddler tried to draw an octopus.
my cat is so stupid this food doesn’t taste like grilled steak at all
*gives you the finger*gives you the spleen*gives you the bones*gives you all the other parts* Now build me a girlfriend like you promised.
no i don’t want to allow notifications from your online publication. no one HAS ever wanted to allow notifications from your online publication and no one WILL ever wanted to allow notifications from your online publication. weirdass
when serial killers go for a run do they take the psycho path
Physics Teacher: What is
this measurable unit “µ”
called? Student : Torrent
How do you know when you are too drunk to drive?
When you swerve to miss a tree and then realise it was your air freshener..
This makes total sense…