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My kids fed chips to some seagulls and now we have to go into the witness protection program.
Some of these fake tans look like an old Tupperware container that’s had marinara sauce in it.
Me: Like that time in Harry Potter Revenge of the Fallen when the wizard becomes a Camaro
Pal: I think you mean…
Me: Dumblebee, yes, I know what I mean. So, anyway…
If insanity is repeating the same action expecting a different outcome, should I just wait til my kids are in college to clean the house?
My 5 yo always asks for 5 of any treat, because he thinks that’s how it works. I told him that was ridiculous while polishing off my 42nd chocolate chip cookie
Me: actually, EVERY date will never happen again
Her: *getting up* okay but this is REALLY never happening again
Me: [giving eulogy] He was a good man. He was a kind man. He was born to the blade, and merciless. He had a secret robot arm that shot out the side of his head. He was nine inches tall and invisible on Tuesdays. He wanted you to know the truth let go of me they need to hear this
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
so proud of america. only 8 years after electing first black pres, we’re considering electing our first orange one
Me: *Sweeping*
Wife: Excuse me
Me: *Slams broom on floor* YOU SHALL NOT PASS
Wife: …
Me: That’s from lord of
Wife: MOVE!
Me: *Moves*
If you can’t tell the difference between “erotic” & “exotic” then zoo keeping is definitely not for you.
spider sees spiderman shoot webs out of his wrists:
oh OK yeah I can see why that’s a good way too.
Me: All these people posting wacky things they did in lockdown. I WAS TOO BUSY.
Also Me: *remembering the household playing ‘Hide the Onion’, where one person hides an onion & if you find the onion, you declare the onion found & re-hide the onion. This went on for 2 months*
“Experts” need to stop blaming that 2020 Halloween candy shortage on me.
No one:
Me: Is my body still under warranty?
HIM: we’re under the mistletoe
HER: oh yes
HIM: you know what that means
HER: yup
[both draw swords and begin to duel]
Boss [coming into my cubicle]: Hey can you-
Me:
Boss: Um.
Me [in bathrobe and slippers, smoking a cigar while playing guitar]: I really thought I’d be the only one here.
Did you know a tornado with no debris is called a naked twister?
Related: This evening is not going how I imagined.
If you commit a crime be sure to wear running clothes, so if you need to flee the scene cops will just think “Look at that healthy jogger”
“Pecan” sounds like Yoda telling someone he is able to go to the bathroom.
I don’t hold a grudge. I need both hands free for the grenade launcher.
I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
I’m not saying these people are peeing in the ocean, but I’ve been on the beach for 4.5 hours with a bunch of beer drinkers and not one has left my line of sight yet.
*tucks an errant lock of my gynecologist’s hair behind her ear with my toes*
[Charlie Brown running up and just booting Hey Arnold in the head]
I’m currently number 43 in a queue on the phone.
Please, your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
Ffs
the holes in my logic are there so it can breathe
RIP the dinosaurs. Can’t believe it’s 65 million years already.
Always in my thoughts
Many commentators say that vigilante groups are never the answer. But they clearly don’t know the masked Ecuadorian trio named “Acción Ortográfica Quito,” who roam the streets at night with a singular purpose: to correct all the spelling and grammar mistakes they find in graffiti
