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LOIS LANE: here i got you these contacts so you don’t have to wear glasses anymore
CLARK KENT: *nervous sweating*
If Spiderman gets a lady pregnant, does she have 1 baby, or like 10,000?
Saw lady reading my book & was gonna say hi but I’m wearing the same shirt as in author photo & didn’t want her to think I only had 1 shirt.
Me : Well, despite the difficulties, we’ve made the best of a bad situation
Life: Yeah, I’m going to need those lemons back
An ambulance just went down my road. Within seconds I went running outside to see where it stopped. I have become my parents.
There’s going to be a full moon this Christmas!
Because mixing family and alcohol together wasn’t enough…
WEAR CLOTHES OTHERS DARE NOT.
On the toilet for 20 minutes. Wish you were here.
Me: uh oh someone’s under the mistletoe!
Raccoon I’ve cornered in the garage: [hisses angrily]
I just read a thing that said I should compliment myself on my decisions, regardless of outcome. No thanks, I’m not the government.
I still love Rage Against the Machine
but now it’s just me fighting with my husband over his constantly malfunctioning “smart home” systems.I just want to turn off a light …
Good news
the Monday after daylight savings
ME (wakes up from coma): whatve I missed
WIFE: Trump’s running for prez & the Cubs are favs to win the World Series
M: haha ok but srsly tho
Don’t get upset if you hit a lot of red lights on your way to work. You’d turn red too if you had to change in the middle of the street.
I saw my neighbor standing out in his yard, he was dressed in camouflage. Someone should probably let him know his camouflage is broken.
[Next door dog barking]
Me: *inserts earpugs*
[Barking intensifies]
Me: wtf…………….haha oh *removes earpugs and inserts earplugs*
The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
It’s reached a point where my local Krispy Kreme sends first responders to my house if I go more than two days without buying donuts.
It isn’t alcoholism if you’re a method actor training for a role as an alcoholic in a movie that doesn’t exist.
Hey girl are you Bruschetta because you give me aggressive heartburn and i cant pronounce your name
[first date]
DATE: so you love dogs?
ME: yes, I relate to them very much
DATE: aww that’s swee-
[a fly buzzes my head and I try to bite it]
Don’t let the door hit you on the way out!
*guy looks back and laughs, the door punches him in the back of the head*
Seriously? Nothing in the waiting room but Highlights magazine?
[I get called in 10 minutes later]
Hold on, let me finish this article.
doc: “your dad’s been in a coma for 9 days, we’re running out of ideas”
me: “let me try” [goes to adjust thermostat]
dad: [opens one eye]
My 7-year-old texted me to ask when my birthday is, which would be cute except I think she’s trying to steal my identity.
I bet Thor would lose his shit if he knew how many hammers are at Home Depot.
Pleasantly surprised to discover the treadmill I bought came with a remote control so I can run it from my recliner.
4: Mummy, I know how old you are.
Me: OK.
4: Has it got an 8 in it?
Me: Yes! Well done.
4: Is it 8 and then 0?
Me: No, darling, it just feels like it.
We should be able take jets and tanks and stuff whenever we want, we paid for them