You Might Also Like
The Tin Man carries around an axe because he is constantly afraid Ironman is going to hit on his wife.
Favorite question to ask a prospective boyfriend for my sister:
Have you ever seen a dead body?
*casually lifts shirt to expose .357*
Look, don’t call it a salad “bar” if you’re going to tell me I can’t do ranch dressing shots.
*walks out of prison, a free man.
*guards shouting from gate
“From! At! For! With!”
What?
“Oh, we always end sentences with a preposition”
Date: Don’t tell anyone we met online. It’s embarrassing.
[Later]
Friend: Where’d you guys meet?
Me: Family reunion
[robbery]
ROBBER: Give me all your money!
ME: I don’t have it all with me.
ROBBER: Dang!
Found an ibuprofen on the floor and immediately popped it in my mouth because I’m sure something hurts somewhere.
ME: I’m here to repair the gate
ST. PETER: No you’re not
ME: I… I need to fix it from the other side
My husband helped me relax by going to the store for some gift bags for my son’s upcoming birthday. He just returned victorious and presented me with a bunch of brown paper lunch sacks.
my four year old daughter is calling geese “honkeys” and I should probably correct her but I won’t
Autocorrect changed no worries to no weiners and that’s my new tagline.
I know my computer doesn’t have a virus because I’ve never had an 8-bit skull and crossbones pop up onscreen laughing.
My doctor says I’ve got to give up poorly thought out fruit-based jokes.
I was peachless when he told me.
“I’m very proud of my teeth. I’m going to show the humans my teeth. They’ll love them.” —Great White Sharks, probably.
DOG BOSS: ur fired
ME: wait, is there any way you’ll reconsider?
DOG BOSS: no
ME: u want to go for a ride in the car
DOG BOSS: *tilts head*
My dad just said I should put our dog on “this site– have you been to it?” I went over to the computer. He had written “pomeranians” into Google image search
It sucks when someone cuts you off in traffic and you have to catch up to them & throw a perfectly good cup of coffee at their windshield.
Me: What is the thing you want most for your birthday?
6yo: A recorder.
Me: How about a pony instead?
Patient: There’s blood everywhere. It was horrific.
911 Dispatcher: And you said the hypnotist did this?
Patient: I think so. I was asleep.
911: Any idea what set him off?
Patient: I dunno. He just snapped.
I get the feeling some of you have been told by others of you not to talk to me. This means war.
That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.
[police lineup]
COP: number three step forward and say the phrase on your card
ME: who says you can’t pull your chair right up to the buffet?
WITNESS: omg yes that’s him, officer
Me: I have 3 small kids, so preparing a healthy breakfast can be a challenge some mornings.
Friend: You should meal prep at night to make things easier.
Me: I guess I should have mentioned that the kids live here at night, too.
White guy in horror movie: I think we should split up.
Me, antisocial: Solid move, Thad.
consequences, the bane of my existence
Friend: I’m getting married
Me: OMG, I’m so sorry. How long do you have?
“Want a treat?”
“Is it medicine?”
“It’s peanut butter.”
“Is it medicine?”
“You love peanut butter!”
“ANSWER THE QUESTION, DOUG.”
My 4yo just noticed me trying to throw out an old, wrecked piece of Lego & by the look he gave me I’m afraid to go to sleep now.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: Your word is walk
“Walk. W-A-L-K. Walk”
JUDGE: [pulls off mask to reveal he is a dog] I KNEW IT! *glares at owner*