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You say you’re a stoner?
Name every stone then
Planning a wild goose chase if anyone wants anything
Toddler boy: worry about them eating enough.
Teen boy: worry about them leaving you something to eat.
cop: way to go, mystery inc., you’ve caught yet another monster
shaggy: no problem
cop: lets celebrate by eating those brownies we saw in the mystery machine
shaggy: haha lets not do that
Woke up bright-eyed and bushy-tailed this morning…
…scared the living shit out of me.
Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers right now. Nothing is going on, I’m just a narcissist.
Imagine being a licensed therapist scrolling Twitter just basking in the never ending job security
I had to call someone for work, but it’s been so long since I’ve done so that I just dialed the calculator app instead of the phone.
Funny how the British conquered so much land looking for spices.
But then refused to use them.
No I’m not drunk driving
My kids just keep demanding I LOOK
An ad agency somewhere is about to get fired.
[my future self comes back in time]
HIM: here’s every sports score for the next 20 years
ME: great, thanks for ruining the games for me
cop: show me your hands
dahmer: *opens fridge*
The reason I switched from a backpack to a messenger bag is so that I look more classy and professional carrying nothing but snacks to work.
My hot neighbor said hi to me but not my girlfriend. This shouldn’t be a problem at all
Me: *wakes up with a jolt, sweating*
Her: omg are you ok??
Me: BABY SPICE WASN’T A BABY SO THAT MEANS SPORTY PROBABLY WASN’T ATHLETIC AT ALL
Criminal Tip:
Buy a gun from a guy off the streets.
As soon as he sells it to you, point it at him & get your $$ back.
Free gun.
Vishnu bud you’re gonna want to sit down for this
[me in avengers infinity war, flying a helicopter] hey look down there it’s nick fury, omg wait help i’m turning into dust
[me in avengers endgame, falling to my immediate death having been brought back to life in midair] AAAAHHHH WHERE’D MY HELICOPTER GO
“these Kate Middleton pics will silence internet critics” I don’t think u understand how badly you’ve fucked this. there are now people on the internet who could SHAKE HER HAND and still claim she’s four cats in a wig
Me: No more talking. Good night.
10: Did you know you could throw a rock into a big body of water and be the last person to touch that rock until the end of time?
PEAK POKEMON DESIGN
Family means eating together at a buffet and everyone calling dibs on the toilet during the ride home.
*walks into the funeral home*
*climbs into a coffin*
I’m ready when you are
*accidentally leaving the house without headphones* oH NO NOW PEOPLE CAN SEE ME
the famous shower scene in Psycho is crazy. she turns on the water & just let’s it hit her in the face before testing it with her hand first
I can’t listen to music with my headphones at the office. Apparently everyone doesn’t enjoy the way I sing out loud
Soon as I finish untangling these earphones I’m goin to google who made them & I’m going to ask them to invent shoelaces that tie themselves
I only hug people so I can stick my hands in their pockets and search for snacks.