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Alien Archeologist: this human was buried covered in chicken bones, we theorize he believed in a poultry afterlife.
Me: (25,000 years earlier, climbing into a KFC dumpster in the dead of night)
Do I just say yes or do I make my group hate me before we even begin this project
Topic: Excited about mustard!
MustardNewbie99: Hey guys! Just tried this french mustard and it really opened my eyes! Has anyone else tried it?
InTheCourtOfTheMustardKing
412,294 Posts
Registered 3/13/2002
[SUPER ADMIN – MANDATE OF HEAVEN]
No, we’ve never tried moutarde forte🙄
What if during Halloween people said “creepy crawlidays”
I wish people could jam like printers. Someone hands you a piece of paper & you could read half, throw it on the ground, stomp on it, pick it up, crumble it, straighten it back out, & then hand it back to them all mangled. For fun.
It’s a sad day when you find out there’s a hot person behind a cartoon avi.
The bartender just threw the bottle of vodka in the air and caught it. Maybe next time it’ll turn into a college degree.
grandpa: you kids don’t know how tough life was back when-
me: grandpa if you ate a single Flamin’ Hot Cheeto you would die immediately please check your tone
Sometimes I feel bad for yelling at my kids, but then I remember that some animals eat their kids and I don’t feel so bad anymore.
nobody will remember:
– your salary
– how “busy you were”
– how many hours you workedPeople will remember:
– you were in the corner
– in the spotlight
– losing your religion
Him: 🎶 In the jungle the mighty jungle the lion sleeps tonight. 🎶
Her: Please don’t sing to it when you are down there
(head held low) mom said i cant join your gang
all you need for a winnie the pooh costume is a red tshirt and courage
[One hour past bedtime]
[3 year-old yelling from his bed]: PAPA!
Me: YES?
3: [Points to chair] Sit with me.
Me: I would LOVE to but the monster, that eats kids who don’t sleep, hates that chair being warm.
3:
Me [Finger guns] Goodnight kiddo.
I don’t wash my car for months but the first week I do it rains 5 times. 😡
can you imagine shamir going through the Bad Freelance Experience…… someone’s like “i want u to assassinate this guy” and she quotes them for 2000g and they go “what? that’s so high! doesn’t it only take you two seconds to, like, shoot an arrow?”
Old Macdonald had a really bad scrabble hand……
E – I – E – I – O…..
lost another rap battle bc i couldn’t rhyme anything with arthritis
If you are single, just be patient. Your soulmate is almost done with their divorce papers 😉
It’s Thursday the 12th so I put on a hockey mask and sent some passive aggressive emails
3 just stopped what she was doing looked at the sky and said ‘something’s coming’ in case you thought you were going to sleep tonight
should i airdrop this to the person in the voting booth next to me
WELL, THEY NEED TO WALK A BIT QUICKER THEN, DON’T THEY?
Receptionist: The doctor will see you now
Me *shuffles further behind cabinet* better?
Receptionist: Yes but shh he’s coming
when i worked in an office i had an ’emergency google sheet’ that i kept open in a tab all day and if my boss walked by i’d switch to it from twitter and enter 69s and 420s in its cells with a look of great seriousness on my face
my phone died right in front of me and now i’m Batman
Me: Do you love me?
Husband: What did you break this time?
This isn’t chess folks. Pick a nuggie sauce and move along
Welcome to adulthood: you’re not hungover it’s just Tuesday.
Saying ‘better luck next time’
is apparently frowned upon at a funeral.
The more you know..