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‘THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU!’
~me, parenting teens
Craft beer drinkers when someone hands them a pint of actual motor oil
Person 1: You should do Yoga.
Person 2: Why would I ever do that little green guy from Star Wars? He’s not sexy at all.
Person 3: She means the picnic basket stealing bear, idiot.
Me: You a good personal trainer?
Him: You bet your emotionally distant dad I am.
Me: [through tears] Wow, that’s personal. You’re hired.
you should be able to donate somebody else’s body to science
I’m no fan of Smokey the Bear. He’s just the first step on the slippery slope to vigilantism.
Did you know that if you listen to any Black Sabbath album backwards, you can hear them singing backwards?
My waterproof phone is advertised in commercials with people surfing and kayaking and here I am tweeting in the shower.
I remember one time I caught my ex talking to some dude in an indie band and was telling him she’s sad and she said something along the lines of “my boyfriend is a musician (me) and hasn’t once made a song about me or how he loves me” like bro I play the drums wtf lol
For Lent I’ve decided to give up my New Year’s Resolutions, now pass the Girl Scout Cookies.
WIFE: *motions to me that she’s choking*
ME: *immediately dials 911*
911: what the emergency
ME: *handing her the phone* here u talk to them
ME *rings wife* should I get one bagel or two?
WIFE: Two!
ME: Ok *nods at tattoo artist* so one on each arm
I have a migraine and my stomach hurts. A fast food burger and fries should help.
[last night]
*does dozens of squats to impress a cute guy at the gym*[this morning]
*takes half an hour to get down a flight of stairs*
Me: How’d you injure your back?
Friend: I dropped something, bent down to pick it up, and my back said, “You sure ’bout that?”
Poop your pants one time and suddenly you’re banned from the MacDonalds ball pit
“The Perfect Relationship”
As much as I love making terrible science puns I understand why they need to be periodically tabled
When the DJ asks if we are ready to party I sometimes lie & say yes even though I really need like 10 min to get ready
“By the way, actions don’t speak!” — Words.
Computer: Login failed. Did you forget your password?
Me: oh shi–[Cut to my password waiting alone on the side of a soccer field]
(Teaching a Kid to Ride a Bike)
ME: Ready?
KID: *angry bleating*
China are probably making all the medals anyway.
*Checks typos in the mail before sending*
*Checks again, to be sure*
*Clicks on Send*
*Goes to sent mails*
There’s a typo in the Subject
YOGI: Close your eyes and breathe.
ME: [angrily rolling up my mat] I was under the impression this was a picnic and you were a talking bear
I mistakenly opened a bag of chips and now I have to eat them, so yes, there is such a thing as a fun problem
If you’ve committed to pulling a door handle that says push in front of people you have to rip the handle off. You can’t let a door own you.
Age is just a number until your back goes out picking up a sock.
My childhood can be summed up in two simple facts.
1. I was fully convinced that tapioca pudding contained fish eyes.
2. I still ate it.
Land animals by legs:
0: Probably a snake.
1: Not a snake.
2: You/Monkey.
3: Uh…
4: Varies, probably safe-ish.
>4: AAAAH KILL IT WITH FIRE.