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There’s no “i” in team. Unless you’re illiterate. Then there’s an “i” in everything. More creim in mi cofii pleis
This is up on a telephone pole in south Minneapolis and I am dissolved in laughter:
Marriage is one spouse cooking and the other deciding to block them by unloading the dishwasher and ending the argument by rage folding laundry
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
This new thesaurus isn’t just terrible, it’s also terrible.
Let’s send Sarah out into a swamp in a dress.
– news stations
Remember kids, every weekend can be a three day weekend if you’re still too drunk from Thursday! 🍻
Nativity season is upon us! My son has been cast as a wise man. My daughter, on the otherhand –
Watching cartoons with my son is awesome except for all the commercials & now his Christmas list has 26,724 things on it. Shit.
Me: This is DISGUSTING! WHO PEED ON THE WALL?!
7yo: Not me. I only pee on the floor.
Why does ma Nana’s dog look like he’s trying tae see what he wants tae order from the chippy
My Cat Made Me Think She Didn’t Have Dinner Yet. I Never Thought I Could Fall For A Scam. My latest in The Cut.
I hate when I wake up hungry and stay that way for 32 years
Jason: Honey?
Wife: Mmmm?
Jason: Where is my hockey mask?
W: I washed it. It’s next to your machete
J: Hon, that’s my work mask. If it’s all shiny clean and smells like Gain it just kinda loses something when I’m stalking camp councillors
*Ok, don’t let them know you’re a dog*
Him: The job is yours. Here’s the keys to your new office. [tosses keys]
*catches keys in my mouth*
I’m so desperate for a vacation that at this point I’d spend an all inclusive week at Jurassic Park.
Me: My brother was in an accident & lost his hand.
Her: OMG, is he OK?
Me: Yes, it was his left hand so
Her: Don’t do it
Me: he’s all right
men: i like the natural no makeup look
me: that natural look took more makeup than bozo the clown
Taking a road trip with my toddler made me realize that I do in fact negotiate with terrorists.
[Job interview]
“Under “skills” you have odd compliments.”
“You look like you’d have soft bones.
“Thank you?”
I dropped a piece of cheese on the airplane and i know it rolled forward and some piece of shit in first class is enjoying it now
A group of eavesdroppers is called a heard.
Calling peoples opinions of me “fan theories “
Chasing a chicken around the yard for 20 minutes is my Thursday morning or as my dog refers to it,”The greatest morning in the history of the earth.”
me: *filling up my car with gas*
guy next to me: the gas is supposed to go in the tank
me, pulling the pump out of the window: i don’t own a tank i only have this car
There are two types of people: Those who are always ten minutes early and those who think it only takes ten minutes to get anywhere, and they marry each other.
someone is getting married down the street from me and their wedding geofilter works at my house
Chipotle Employee Just Gave Guy In Front Of You More Rice
“Dad, what’s a coworker?”
“Someone you block on social media.”
wife: what’d you do today
me: [ate an entire block of cheese] I kept our son from eating an entire block of cheese