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Patient: Doc, my stomach is killing me.
DR DOG: *scratches chin* Have you tried eating grass?
[Girl from Willy Wonka turns into a blueberry]
Wonka: Call in The Blue Man Group!
[Blue Man Group rolls her out while singing Eiffle 65]
In the beginning God created the heaven and the earth. And God said, let there be light: and there was light. And God said let there be sunshine and moonlight and good times.
And then God blamed it on the boogie.
[Airplane]
Me (pointing excitedly) “Hey honey! Look at those people down there. They look like ants!”
My wife (whispering): “Shh. What are you talking about? We haven’t even taken off yet”
Half-human/half-ant family at the back of the plane (muttering): “What a rude man”
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
What if all those coins you keep finding in your couch is rent money from the spiders living in your house?
About to watch Tenet for the first time and I enjoyed it
My neighbor’s cat got into the booth with me when I was testing my teleportation device and now there’s cat hair all over my genes.
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
~ The Okra Show
Ghostbusters (1984): A large, jovial marshmallow sailor is burned alive amid the crossfire btwn humans and ethereal beings.
“I sold my hair to buy you a watch chain!”
“we said we werent doing gifts what the hell why did you sell your hair i didnt get you anything”
After we got the divorce she let me have everything. Except the jewelry, and of course something to keep it in. I call it “the house”..
“Pop star, Justin Bieber, was charged with DUI, driving with an expired license and resisting arrest.”
Britney Spears whispers,
“Amateur.”
If I was a sushi chef I’d wear divers gear so people knew it was fresh.
My favorite part of the Bible is where Jesus gives money to the rich, tells the poor to suck it up and asks for Caesar’s birth certificate.
She was rare, like a goth jogging
H: What is that you’re having for lunch?
Me: fruit salad
H: That’s funny, it looks like a sangria.
Me: huh, weird *sips fruit salad*
A hot guy at my job asked me if I had any plans and I told him 15 because I thought he said plants
If my coworker doesn’t stop asking questions on this Zoom meeting I will drive across town and slap his face on the call.
Too close to dinner for lunch now. I’ll just have a few fresh veggies and half a bag of potato chips to tide me over.
Ffs 🤦♀️ I forgot to get skinny for the summer again
can’t believe Skyrim is still $60. should come free with all computers like solitaire or pinball at this point
If I had known “cuties” were little oranges when my wife asked me to “bring a few home,” I could have avoided these awkward introductions.
*Hears a joke about a chocolate bar*
*Snickers*
One time my husband asked me to dance for him and I performed the entire Lion King musical to the best of my ability.
But have you tried crying about it?
-Toddlers
*boss calls me into office*
“um but sir my name is–”
Be quiet you’re “into office” now
Thug: You got the stuff?
Me:*opens briefcase revealing 7 ducklings*
T: The deal was 8
M: I’m just the delivery guy *my hat quacks softly*
Hey if a public bathroom door is locked don’t forget to try to repeatedly open it and give the person using it paralyzing anxiety