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You probably can’t even pick your own skeleton out of a lineup.
If Taylor Swift had a love affair with Adele and they broke up, there would be a tsunami or extinction or some shit
son: *counts to ten*
wife: good job
me: (smugly) eleven
Twitter went from everyone pushing each other on mood swings to pushing each other off cliffs really fast.
NFT’s are played out. For the rest of 2022 we’re buying real monkeys, straight cash
As a joke I suggested to my 10yo that he was getting diapers for Christmas so he wouldn’t have to stop gaming even for a moment, and Reader, he hesitated.
I was makin out with a cute girl but it got ruined when she ran her hand up my leg and squeezed all the spaghetti out of my pocket
ME: and make mine a double
WAITER: your…your tater tots?
ME: you heard me
How dare you with another bird…😏😂🦜
*offers Batman cough drops*
I have to devil these eggs and I don’t want to. Where Satan when you need him?
This is joyous. Go to any YouTube video. Pause it. Click anywhere outside the video and then type 1980. Now defend yourself.
The fake cough I use when calling in sick is now available on iTunes.
Are they Milk Duds? Cuz I’m definitely not getting in your van for some stupid Milk Duds.
If you say “no ifs, ands, or buts”, then get ready for a shitload of “shoulds”, “as well as”, and “howevers”.
Twitter is composed of all the kids who used to giggle in sex ed
fertility doctor: it’s almost like your sperm are avoiding the egg
stormtrooper: *sighs*
You dance so good girl. Hell yes. That looks great. You are a flower swaying with the wind. Do the running man.
-Alcohol
I would make a good cat because I also like to pause in the middle of a fight to lick my own shoulder real fast
Exercise good judgement? I don’t think so, I don’t exercise anything.
🎵Whooooaaaa, I’m halfway therrreee
WHOOOAAAA, LOSING ALL MY HAIRRRR
Take this wig, we’ll fake it I swearrrrr
WHOAOHH, LOSING ALL MY HAIRRR🎶
Blew my nose…….lost 2 pounds of mucous and got an ab workout.
Dad, why do we celebrate 4th of July?
Well son, it celebrates our defeating the aliens that blew up the White House after Will Smith attac
I shed so much hair, I couldn’t commit a perfect murder if I tried.
Yes, my teeth are dazzling, but, please, treat me no differently than you would the next demigod.
I saw death today, in the face of the man at the next table, as I heard his wife say “I don’t know, do you THINK I look fat?”
When I was 22 I’d stay up late and wake up early just so I could fit more in my day
Now if there’s more than 2 things on my agenda I need a nap
[Me being beaten to death w/ can of frozen veggies]
“Oh peas no!”
[WHAP]
“Why u bean like this?”
[SMACK]
“Don’t u carrot all?”
[CRACK]
carolers: *knock on door*
(Simon Cowell answers the door)
carolers: *gulp*
Anyone ever notice how the word “opinion” looks like “onion”, and how if you cut into either, people start crying?