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A friend was talkin about her expensive face lotion. She said she was confused about it runnin out so fast. She finally asked her husband & he said he wondered why she kept buyin such tiny bottles. Fool was using it on his whole body😭. Said it was silkiest skin era of HIS LIFE
Just your annual reminder about this seagull that turned orange after it fell into a container of chicken tikka masala while trying to get a piece of meat from a factory bin. #SpiceGull
my mom taught me to say “not my circus, not my monkeys” when some crazy shit someone was doing wasn’t my business. but when my friends are doing crazy shit it’s tough. bc I’m like that’s not my circus… but that’s MY monkey
TSA Officer: Ma’am, you can’t go through security with that much liquid
Me: But I couldn’t find a bathroom
I’ve changed a lot as a parent after 4 kids. My oldest started school knowing a lot of random academic things. My 4th will start school knowing the lyrics to Queen. We will find out which method works best in like 20 yrs or so.
Facebook: Look at my perfect life
Instagram: Validate me harder
Twitter: Does this look infected?
A possum broke into an Australian bakery and ate so many pastries it couldn’t move. This is how they found him.
The one time I order underwear from amazon, and they deliver it to the wrong house. Guess I’ll finally get to meet the neighbors
For my new tattoo, I’m totally getting a chest piece of a chess piece, cause its fun to be a pun.
I’m writing a horror story. It’s about a girl who forgets her headphones and her colleagues think it’s ok to talk to her. So much blood.
TSA: Sir, you can’t bring that bottle of whiskey on the flight.
Me: Um, this is my Service Whiskey. See his little vest?
TSA: ….
Hear me, oh spirits of earth, wind, and fire. I call upon you to unleash a boogie wonderland.
Me: does it bother you that there are 52 full-sized teeth hiding in the baby’s head?
Her: well it does now
no one:
contestants on every singing show: hi my life is really sad
This guy I was talking to asked if he had to worry about a boyfriend or husband that would get mad at him for dating me, so I asked him, “why, you can’t fight?”
Anyways, that’s how I ended up blocked
i was going to warn my kids about the repercussions of drugs and alcohol until i realized that they in fact were the repercussions of drugs and alcohol
Asked a Target employee if I could open this camera before I buy it and he said he wouldn’t even care if I killed someone in front of him.
Cricket Audience: *goes wild*
Cricket Comedian: Wow tough crowd
*sits gf down*
i am about to ask you a big question. if you dont know the answer then thats ok… *clears throat* where is the space jam dvd
Avalanches won my recent poll of the world’s favourite natural disasters, by a landslide.
My tween, who wanted money, told me I don’t look a day over 41. I’m 40.
Our family’s sole contribution to evolution is a diminished sense of smell.
Other kids growing up wanted to be a cowboy or a spaceman. Me, I wanted to be a hippopotamus.
And I’ve still got time.
A thief has come into my home, and taken all but one of my sticks of mozzarella cheese. Everyone, lock your doors!
Sauron: I made everyone cheese bagel bites
Middle Earth: Yay
Sauron: [makes his own bagel bite, but this time, with all the toppings]
[First day waiting tables]
Customer: do you have wings?
Me: *flaps elbows* no, just regular arms
A pasta maker is just a Play-doh toy for adults.
People who would say “I can’t believe it’s not butter” are the same people who support all those Nigerian princes.
Her: You had me at, “I brought you nachos”.
Him: But I didn’t bring you nachos.
Her:
Him:
Her:
Him: Be right back…