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*Goes to the store*
*Buys donughts, doughnut holes, and glue*
I like to send love notes in my husband’s lunch like SORRY THE BREAD IS STALE MAYBE YOU SHOULD LEARN TO SEAL IT BACK WHEN YOU ARE DONE
Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near? It’s because you are feeding them bread Karen.
The best part about being thirty is that I’m finally old enough to play a high schooler in movies.
Sorry sir, I don’t do colonoscopies until at least the fourth date, maybe the second sometimes.
#KarenAndTheCat 😉
me: [kicking leaves in the park]
wife: how are you getting your leg so high
I don’t know when the apocalypse will happen.
All I know for sure is my son will still have 4th grade math homework due the next day.
coworker: anyone else smell lasagna?
me excited about my new vape juice: guess what
Using statistics to make friends with golfers on Facebook 👍💛
My goal is to have this whole hand washing thing mastered before they decide to remove the instructions.
Was that meant to be a joke or did you just accidentally spill a bunch of words you were carrying around?
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: What happened to the rest of my fries?
Me: When a man and a woman…
Telling someone to “calm down” usually just makes them more angry. Instead just start blastin rainforest sounds from your boombox
Yesterday I asked my kindergartener what she did in school and she said “nothing,” then later I went on Instagram and her teacher had posted a picture of her holding a crocodile.
CREEPY DUDE: I’ll give you some candy if you get in the van.
HANSEL: He seems nice.
GRETEL: I’m starting to think you wanna die.
“My wife’s just made me breakfast using the hot bread cooky thing.”
“Toaster?”
“Ladies and gentlemen, to my wife!”
“Get out”.
I’m buying more booze than ever these days. Wonder if I need an intervention. I’d hate to become a shopaholic.
Keep your friends close. Keep your enemies closer. Keep your frenemies in a dark basement filled with bees.
Once accidentally liked an insta of someone I hadn’t spoken to in yrs so I had to like 1/2 her entire feed & reach out abt getting lunch
Have kids so you can spend 2 hours making a nutritious meal and have it be labeled “yucky” by a tiny person whose last meal was boogers.
I’m pretty sure Hitler himself would kill Baby Hitler, afterall he killed regular Hitler.
waiter: soooo do you have any room for dessert?
me (frantically moving chairs and tables out of the way): idk,,, how big is this f***en cake?
Scuba diving instructor: Be careful not to get too close to the sharks
*under breath* or they’ll break your heart and move in with your brother
I’m waiting in the school parking lot and a grandpa picking up twin preschool girls just yelled at one of them, “GET YOUR HAND OUT OF YOUR PANTS,” and some other little boy in the parking lot jumped like he’d been caught. It’s chaos out there.
Dating: Your eyes hypnotize me
Married: Your eye rolls hypnotize me
I’m not seeing “cat herder” on any of these job websites.
I hate this language when a pastor has an affair.
“He fell”
Bro, what did he trip on? His own unbuckled pants?
[walks into interview wearing light up Sketchers]
WALMART INTERVIEWER: whoa I didn’t know corporate was coming
You owe a corporation money: one member of your family will be drone strike’d daily until the debt is repaid
Corporation owes you money: if you can answer the mysterious hermit’s three riddles, the first of 80 payments in Indonesian rupiah will be made within 12-16 weeks