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My husband just said I look like I fell in a bucket of pretty. I’m gonna divorce him so I can marry him again.
Ah yes. My husband and I in our natural habitat.
Lying in bed on our phones whilst blowing pet hair off our screens.
This Thanksgiving, take a break from arguing with people online and do it in person.
The enemy of my enemy is my friend. But I’m my own worst enemy so I guess I’m also my best friend.
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
Princess: U alone?
Luigi: Ya. Mario lookin 4 u underwater.
P: lol. wut?
L: ya idk. meet up?
P: sure. go-karts
L: k i’ll bring bananas
*takes coffee from hot barista
*makes eye contact
*smiles
*winks
*sips scalding coffee“Thankth, thexy! Theeya!”
*walks outside
*screams
Fun fact: The average Canadian swallows eight moose per year in their sleep.
Never turn your back while kids are in the bath.
Drown shmown!
Those punks are gonna dump a whole bottle of shampoo in for mega bubble bath
when relatives at your next get together start talking politics, a fun thing to do is say “yeah it’s just like orwell’s 1984,” and then describe the plot of Twilight
Husband: you might want to start adding an occasional LOL
or I’m kidding
or smiley emoji
or I love you into your texts…so if anything ever happens to me it throws off the investigation.
*rolls up sleeves*
*gets high on sleeves*
Science Lesson: A baking dish that’s been in a 400 degree oven, is also 400 degrees and you shouldn’t touch it.
[egg hatches and a duck billed platypus pops out]
Mummy duck:…
Daddy duck: WHAT THE ACTUAL FU
Otter: Clive, now, calm down, lemme explain.
ROOKIE: Looks like the air bag failed to inflate
COP: Actually it did, the guy is just ugly
ME: C’mon guys I’m still alive here
Interviewer: Can you stand for long periods of time?
Me [from my wheelchair]: What do you think?
I like to skip when I’m carrying my flamethrower cause no one ever suspects a skipping girl of starting fires.
If you start a sentence with “Let me reiterate…” I’m gonna ignore it the second time too.
INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest strength?
ME: Getting out of corn mazes.
INTERVIEWER: Uhm…ok. And your greatest weakness?
ME: I keep finding myself unexpectedly in corn mazes.
INTERVIEWER: *realizes he’s in a corn maze* What the hell?
ME: Guess this is my time to shine.
I keep getting super sexy tweets with pictures of beautiful women in my “for you” list and I’m starting to wonder if Twitter knows something about my sexuality that I don’t.
Subtle cannibal alert: people who call their friends “peeps” around Easter.
when you try to think up jokes about boxing, the punchlines write themselves
Wait, there’s a big difference.
Did you say I look like THE Rock or did you say I look like A rock?
Eccentric Millionaire: I’ve invited you to my private island because I crave the deadliest game…
Me: (nodding) Knife Monopoly
Eccentric Millionaire: I was actually going to hunt you for sport, but now I’m really interested in whatever Knife Monopoly is
Dogs are man’s best friend because a dog would never blindside you with an eleven person group text.
Fun way to make someone question everything: comment “you are so brave” on all their selfies.
If monogamy is sex with only one person, what is origami?
8: Miss will you watch this video I really love at lunch?
Me: absolutely tell me what it is –
8: and I think we’ll all be getting used to the swears in it
Me: honey, I’m not watching anything with swears in the school
8: please? There’s only like three or four!
My kids are watching Babe and my oldest asked “What happened to his mother” and I just slowly looked at the hotdog on his plate