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Teacher: Any questions
*raises hand*
T: NO DUMB ONES
“Can you see continent names from space”
T: FOR FU-..ugh…Not if it’s cloudy bud
I got a raw meat sandwich that I really don’t like so I swallowed it completely.
i wish more people knew the word for woman in scottish, alas.
Teacher: “What is your favorite musical instrument?”
Me: “The lunch bell.”
Finding lettuce in my bed can only mean one of two things…
1. I was sleep eating tacos again
2. A vegan broke in & was trying to kill me
I tried to speak French one time, accidentally swallowed like 6 words
WAITER: room for dessert?
ME: no thanks, we’ll just eat it right here
Maybe I did use cilantro because I knew you hate it, but good luck proving that.
If you see a porcupine in your yard, that’s my cat and we’re not done with our accupuncture session.
get you someone as goofy as you.. is.
Sorry I unfollowed you on Instagram, but you take at least 10 pics of your face everyday. I don’t even look at my wife that much.
I put energy drinks in the hummingbird feeder. It’s for science.
Don’t underestimate me. I’ve got that covered.
I have to eat my last meal of the day earlier and earlier as time goes by or I won’t be able to sleep at night
I had supper at 10:30 this morning today
searching for people who think cologne is spelled colon is my favorite thing to do
when all you have is a rotisserie everything looks like a chicken
[entering room bloody and beaten] yeah well you should see the other guy! not a scratch on him. pristine condition. altogether more pleasing to look at. huge muscles
ME: There are 18 sheep.
RANCHER: Round ‘em up!
ME: There are 20 sheep.
[Airport Departures]
We have a family-friendly policy to always seat children onboard with their parents
Me: Even if I pay extra?
Be a firefighter they said,
Rescue kittens & throw them into fire they said,
Youre misinformed they said,
We’re calling the police they said
Keep your friends close and your unattractive enemies closer so you look better by comparison in pictures.
Granny said “alright now, if she fall that’s it for me” 😭
If I woke up today from a ten year coma and the first thing I saw was an ad for the new downton abbey movie I’d be like oh ok thank god. Looks like I was only out for a few months
In the shower: so nice hearing the kids playing and laughing together
Out of shower: oh that’s screaming and crying and the house is burning down
Are dog catching nets real or just lies taught to us by Big Cartoon
I wouldn’t ask a woman if she was pregnant even if I was performing a sonogram on her and the baby waved.
My husband thinks it’s funny how I have nothing to wear until I pack 4 suitcases for a trip.
Optimist: The glass is ½ full.
Pessimist: The glass is ½ empty.
Excel: The glass is January 2nd
“bury me loose” will never ever be bested 😭
We all look like talking skeletons to Superman. Even his parents. I don’t know how that kid slept at night.