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[grocery shopping]
“Actually it should be 15 items or FEWER”
I’ll fix that sir [grabs mic] CUSTOMER NEEDS HELP FINDING EXTRA SMALL CONDOMS
Aw yeah! Who has two thumbs and is having sex today? That’s right. Somebody else.
Me: you say your dog’s a boxer?
Friend: yeah
Me: [eyes narrow] how does he lace his gloves up?
“that’s not actually your good side” look wal mart photographer I don’t have the energy for you to do me like this today
Why can’t the T-Rex clap it’s hands? Because it’s extinct.
Parents *before their kids performance*: Here, snort these four lines of organic sugar
[Eating canned soup]
OMG I love sodium.
My husband was just looking at me like I’m some kind of super hero and all I said was, “yes, we do have onion for the burgers.”.
Like a kite stuck in a tree, I too am stuck in a tree
Friend: You sent her off to her first day of Kindergarten! Did you cry?
Me: Of course I cried. I’ve been waiting to feel this kind of freedom for five and a half years.
The moment I learned I was going to have to hide my grapes from this kitty…
there was this guy who used to bring his dates to the museum i worked at and EVERY TIME he would be talking about “i’ve never been here before haha can’t wait to see what it’s all about!”
[Call from cell company]
We can give you 15 gigs for $100
Me: Excellent!
*Puts the band back together
[jumps in getaway car after bank robbery]
“They said no I couldn’t have any money”
Damn it, they make it look so easy in the movies
I am like a vampire in that I require a specific and obvious invitation to feel like I’m allowed in your home and also because you will definitely regret said invite
[Excavation for dino bones]
DIGGER: Sir, we found something BIG!
DOG PALEONTOLOGIST: *tail wags* Ok go for break [salivating] I’ll finish up
The way this kid screams and cries I’m shocked the parents are willing to pay so much to get it back.
The first stage of a realistic baking show would be each contestant trying to open a jammed utensil drawer.
If you ever find a partially eaten grilled cheese sandwich at my house call the police.
I didn’t even know there was a most alcohol consumed award on a cruise ship.
My daughter (6) has started writing negative reviews of my parenting. It’s been great for her handwriting.
Hate it when I put on active wear and nothing happens.
For those of you wondering how many Reese’s cups you can eat without having a Reese’s cup hangover the next day, the answer is less than 18
Person: I’ll listen to the conference call today if you will (do a different task). Deal?
Me: Okay fine but don’t come crying to me later all “My soul! It’s gone! I traded away my soul!”
Person: *laughing*
About 2/3 of Earth’s surface is water. Same for the human body. So really, we’re all incontinent
Her: I’m not cleaning the sheets this time
Hear me out.
The first parent to school pick-up gets to pick the best kid. The well behaved one without the snotty nose.
The last parent to pick-up gets the feral child.
It’s a system I think would work.
Since they won’t vote anyway, Obama should make the GOP look bad by nominating a bald eagle holding a picture of Jesus to the Supreme Court.
Took my kids to the travel clinic in preparation for Thailand/Japan trip. Nurse told them they needed a typhoid shot. 10 asked dead serious, “Do we need a Japanphoid shot too? I love him 😂
[At Wedding]
Priest: And do you take me as your lawfully wedded wife?
Me: I do. WAIT A SECOND
Priest: TOO LATE. YOU’RE MINE NOW, IDIOT.
