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I have a fold up treadmill under my fold up bed, so by the time I get the treadmill set up, I’m like “That’s enough exercise for today”
Every so often I’ll tell my son the car is making strange noises and that I need to listen just to get a break from hearing him talk.
I normally have a decent sense of direction but when I leave the exam room at a doctor’s office and have to find my way to the exit I’m suddenly Harry Potter in the Hedge Maze
My daughter called Neapolitan ice cream “three-way” ice cream & I’m not sure I’ll correct her cuz I’m a horrible person & it makes me laugh.
I know I shouldn’t be on top of this table singing Don’t Stop Believin’ loud, off-key, and wrong, but please know it’s because I love all of you. You’re my friends, my family, an-
~ Me, right before getting kicked out of Starbucks
Rare photo of two submarines racing
Seeing a stuffed deer head on a wall makes me imagine its legs in the next room, just flailing around wildly.
Has anyone tried flipping to the beginning of 2020 and choosing a different adventure?
You, idiot magician: I’ve sawed a lady in half!
Me, brilliant English teacher: you’ve SEEN a lady in half
hey maybe ur parents care so much about ur birthday becuase it celebrates how long theyve been able to keep something alive for
mondays are the worst day of the week because no one likes you unless you’re a holiday
What I try to explain you, is that I do know you have very good big cups in this nice coffee shop, but I’m emotionally attached to this bucket, could you fill it up with your excellent coffee, please
BOSS: Can I see you in my office?
INVISIBLE-MAN: [sigh] I don’t know how many more ways I can explain this to you
i like how every TEDtalk ever is just like “organize your time better” and everyone says “revolutionary, thank you”
accidentally became important at work n its ruining my life
Optimus Prime’s mom walking in on him while he’s carjacking
Something about watching Catfish makes me wanna catfish someone so bad and I don’t think that’s what they’re going for
“Are you good and hard for me yet?”
– me boiling eggs
If u wanna be happy the rest of ur life
Never make a prairie falcon ur wife
They need a moderate altitude
To catch burrowing owls for food
Toddlers & Ghosts
-haunt you at all hours
-lots of moaning/screaming
-unclear motives
-not helpful with housework
-randomly open cupboards
My boss: you seem distracted today…
Me: sure, I’ll get that for you asap.
It’s no coincidence that those really terrifying scenes in horror movies often use children’s voices
Prepare to receive the horse that you deserve
[having a little snack before bed]
Me: HONEY, WHERE IS THE OIL FOR THE DEEP FRYER?
As a responsible parent, I gave my kids a healthy breakfast of strawberries w/ milk & a little sugar…
frozen.
OK IT WAS ICE CREAM!
FitFam?
Me: I got my YOLO tattoo covered up
GF: Good. I told you it was just a stupid fad
Me: I know
GF: What’d you get?
Me: *reveals Minion tattoo*
Here are the locations of the missing items in your home:
The TV remote is in the bathroom
The kitchen scissors are under your kid’s bed
Your keys are behind the toaster
And your chapstick is gone forever – give up on that one
There’s nothing sadder then the look on my dogs face after he hears something hit the floor and discovers it’s only lettuce 🙁
Hey Mexican food restaurant waiter, if the basket is empty you don’t have to ask. YES I WANT MORE CHIPS!
me: AAAAAA SPIDER, KILL IT KILL IT
wife: [destroys spider’s confidence and self worth until it throws itself into traffic]