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*takes coffee from hot barista
*makes eye contact
*smiles
*winks
*sips scalding coffee“Thankth, thexy! Theeya!”
*walks outside
*screams
My obituary: She died in the shower, dancing away from a spider that was really just black sock fuzz.
I can’t think of a single email that have ever found me well.
I started writing a joke about Harry Houdini. But the punchline escaped me.
Her: “Oh my God! Where did you learn to do that with your tongue?
Me: “Cadbury eggs.”
daniel radcliffes agent: hello harry potter
daniel radcliffe: hello
agent: would you like to be in a movie
daniel radcliffe: is it very strange
agent: yes
daniel radcliffe: then yes
agent: when can you get here
daniel radcliffe: i’m in your yard climbing trees as we speak
My life coach refuses to tell me which motivational quote will protect me from corona virus 😡
Kanye West should open up a vegan restaurant called Imma Let You Spinach
“Ouch!”
“Ow!”
“Careful, that’s my bad knee!”
“Oh great, now my arm is numb!”
“I think I need to ice something”
“Maybe we should rest for a minute!”
– sex in your 40’s
Me at 16: No one can tell me what to do with my life.
Me at 36: Someone please tell me what to do with my life.
Me: Your teacher said you clean up her desk everyday at school.
7-year-old: Yeah.
Me: Why don’t you clean up at home?
7: I come here to relax, not work.
Imagine meeting the man of your dreams…
and he says, “prolly.”
Me: there you go babe… [lays jacket over puddle so my girl doesn’t get her feet wet]
GF: you could have used your own coat
[THE INVENTOR OF GUM]
What if you could just pretend to eat?
I like that the same two questions are still unanswered from my childhood.. what’s the meaning of life? And can you tell me how to get to Sesame Street?
[me, from cold stone] launch the missiles
HER: My daughter is named Nevaeh which is heaven spelled backwards.
ME: *Phone rings* Hold on my son Elohssa is calling
[Gets cut off by a Pruis]
*Speeds up to cut off Prius then drops a banana peel behind me**Prius spins out of control*
Thug life.
CEO: Long lines. Bad parking. No shade. Crying kids. $7.00 drinks. We need a good name.
ETHAN: How about “amusement park”?
CEO: [under breath] Genius
[gets pulled over]
cop: “sir, do you know how fast you were going?”
[i’ve swapped places with the dog]
me: “answer the man”
Me as a teen: Only 150 hours?
Me as an adult: I will literally pay you more money to make this game shorter
Through the drive thru speaker: would you like to try the chicken club
Me: [ imagining chickens getting down on the dance floor ] hell yes I would
Do you think it’s weird that the only reason we still have landlines is so cops in movies can wake each other up in the middle of night?
Why is it cute when a baby falls asleep clutching a bottle. Yet, when I do it, it’s “disconcerting”?
Nurse: You need to eat or you can’t have your pain meds.
Me: Do the thing.
Nurse:
Me:
Nurse: *holding fork*
[sigh]*makes airplane noise*
On the surface: cool as a cucumber…
On the inside: squirrel in traffic…
Having a boyfriend is so awesome like there’s just a guy in ur house whose job it is to know where countries are and what exactly Watergate was
Of course you have no regrets. Regrets are for people smart enough to know they could have done better.
Is there any way to tell a woman she has nice skin without her thinking you want to turn her into a jacket, especially one who really would make a nice jacket?