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the tiny monsters are on their way. and my job. is to hold this bucket of snacks for them. i was told they can only take one. but that’s not my rule to enforce
I’m pretty sure the rule at Starbucks is the slowest employee makes the drinks
I haven’t swam competitively since I was a sperm.
[meeting aboard the ISS space station]
Capt: all personnel are-David sit down please
Me trying to open a window cos it’s stuffy: in a minute
Me: it was my grandmother’s ring
Her: *gasp* it’s beautiful
Me: and this is my mother’s wedding dress
Her: your… your family is okay with you trick or treating in that?
Man claims world will end Saturday. My producer tried to book him for an interview tomorrow. He said he wasn’t available until next week.
The people naming dinosaurs should teach the people naming hurricanes how to name stuff.
“So, is there a MRS. A-Z?” – Lady hitting on Jason Mraz
Me: You must train hard to beat Kylo Ren.
Rey: I already beat him once with literally no training.
Me:
Rey: Look. I still have two hands.
Someone hugged me at the office Christmas party and now they know my safe word.
Kesha dropping the $ sign from her name just shows how bad the economy really is
Guy 1: guess I shouldn’t get in the water
Guy 2: why
Guy 2: well it’s shark week
Guy 1: that’s…that’s not what shark week is
At conference w/ teacher
Me:…what’s wrong with how 7yo spells states?
Teacher:(to 7yo) spell Ohio
7yo: Ohio, O-H-I-O, Ohio
Teacher: good, now spell Oklahoma
7yo: (sings) Oklahoma, O-K-L-A-H-O-M-A, Oklahoooooooma, YEAH!
Teacher:
Me: what? That’s how I learned it
#Dadlife
I crave feet in the sand, a gentle ocean breeze, the sun on my face, and two entirely new presidential candidates.
Her: Let’s each pick one person we can sleep with and the other person can’t get mad. Mine is Ryan Gosling. Who’s yours?
Me: The babysitter
😎 🍻
I tried bringing sexy back, but it scratched me, scampered away, and hid under a car.
“Pop star, Justin Bieber, was charged with DUI, driving with an expired license and resisting arrest.”
Britney Spears whispers,
“Amateur.”
Drinking 8 to 12 glasses of water a day is good for you because you spend more time in the bathroom and less time at your job.
DATE: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
ME: *gets really close to the date & whispers* I’m just a person, what bullshit question is this
My ex got married yesterday. Should I send them a card or just the screenshots of him trying to get me back when they were dating ?
Fights fire with marshmallows
*Runs 6 miles*
*Adds Kenyan to resume*
The enemy of my enemy is my friend unless they don’t dance and if they don’t dance well they’re no friend of mine.
As a general rule of thumb, I avoid pinky promises.
My doctor told me if I was 5″ taller I’d be at the ideal weight, so I’m going to try and give that a shot.
[Toddler 911]
911: what’s your emergency?
Son: it’s naptime.
911: have you tried stalling?
Son: I asked for water.
911: and your favorite stuffed animal?
Son: yep.
911: that toy you shoved under the couch?
Son: they don’t know where that’s at.
911: perfect. ask for that.
Cop: where ya headed?
“the gym”
Cop: im gonna save you a lot of embarrassment and arrest you
“thank you so much, officer”
“The rules are quite simple, Mr Bond: I think of a word, you guess letters in that word. If you guess wrong I draw a picture a man hanging.”