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If I saw an elephant in the room, that’s ALL I’d be talking about.
Health food? Baby, my body is a ’93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I’m not about to start putting premium gas in it now.
I just heated up a delicious chocolate brownie and put some ice cream on top of it & sat on the couch to enjoy it.
Seconds later, Catherine asked Samuel if he’d like a bite on MY brownie.
I faked a smile and gave him a bite.
Soon after, she asked him AGAIN.
I have no wife.
I just explained the concept of a nail gun to my 4 year old and honestly he’s never been this interested in anything I’ve had to say.
when revenge coincides with naptime
When life gives you lemons you probably have a paper cut.
My kid is mad that his little brother asked for a sip then drank all his water and I never knew justice could taste so sweet
I’m 5’4″ – if I was supposed to be the bigger person, God would have made me taller
Lisa never talks about her younger brother, Lava Lampanelli.
nobody tell me how the eclipse goes today I’ll be watching it on delay
SECURITY GUARD: “Sir, I have to check all backpacks”
ME: “ok”
*opens backpack*
*its full of hundreds of tiny backpacks*
i sadistically pat the top of my sandwiches before eating them like good job now you die.
Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world
[20 years later]
Boss: ok lift on three
Me: oh shit
man: hey do you take walk-ins
cremator: excuse me what
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: yeah I do but sad news buddy, I’m married
I think tonight while my wife is asleep I’m going to pull on the satin ribbon she’s worn around her neck ever since the day I met her. What’s the worst that could happen. One lil tug
Jeff Bezos going to space gives me a nervous feeling. Like what if something happens and he doesn’t stay there, you guys?
An egg looks at another egg and says:
“Why are you so hairy?”
“Shut up, I’m a kiwi!”
#RubbishJokes #TuesdayVibe
6: I want to grow my hair longer.
Me: Oka—
6: So I can bite it.
Me:
15mos are the cutest humans in the world but also the most boring. Girl, we’ve been putting this baby doll to bed for 23 mins, please
Me: I’d like to get this prescription filled
Pharmacist: This is a recipe for chicken marsala
Me: What time should I pick that up?
Me: WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Funeral attendees:
Me (whispering): Grandma back.
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Daily
Dentist: *Pulls fully grown centaur from between my 2nd and 3rd molars*
YOU: I murdered someone.
YOUR DOG: I’m totally cool with that. I love you.
******************
YOU: I murdered someone.
YOUR CAT: Me too.
don’t date writers. they will send you their screenplay after a day of talking and it’s like OH now I have homework???
Just ate potatoes so good I finally understand the centuries of warfare between England and Ireland. The English wanted their potatoes.
I say at least five times a day “I need to lose weight.” I still haven’t lost an ounce, clearly the power of suggestion doesn’t work.
if you ever need to teach me a lesson, there is no reason to send three ghosts. a single ghost will do. im not committed enough to any of my negative personality traits to be like “sorry but i’m gonna keep on stealing from walmart unless you make this a multi-ghost situation”
“I will eat 3 oreos” I say to myself, bringing the bag
I am never angrier with myself than when I realize I accidentally bought scented garbage bags