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This is not an empty room, this is a very succesful anti-party
Each week our panel of 3 celebrity chefs compete to create the ultimate final meal for a death row inmate on LAST SUPPER, this fall on FOX
That awkward moment when you look over to give another driver a condescending look criticizing their driving and you nearly wreck and die.
me: how can Americans be so arrogant?
also me: *is mad when United States is listed alphabetically instead of at the top of a list*
How to make friends: Put your clothes on backwards so people don’t notice you walking up to them.
So far my favorite thing about COVID-19 is getting an email from EVERY SINGLE STORE that’s ever had my email addy about how they are committed to protecting their employees and customers. I HAVEN’T SET FOOT INSIDE YOUR STORE IN 7 YEARS LEAVE ME ALONE.
[11am]
Me: oh look, it’s sunny out.
Me: I should go running.
Me: or swimming!
Me: these Doritos are delicious.
In case you wanted to mess with me, just know I went 10 for 10 at trivia last night on the round about famous female killers.
The mall reopened today, but I don’t have any Bath & Body coupons so I’m not going.
BREAKING NEWS: Man gets out of offending people by saying “present company excluded of course” after highly offensive statement
Me: Raising a family is hard.
Necromancer: Not if they’re buried close together.
Me: What?
Necromancer: What?
Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: [slams fist on dash] NO, WHY?!
Cop: Settle down sir
Me: [marries, has kids, gives up ambitions]
Cop: …
I took my toddler on a 2 mile hike so confident it would tire him out, we finally made it back to our car and he asked if we could go one more time.
The right person will know this subtweet is about them.
WIFE: The fire department is at the front door again
ME: *hiding my mixtape* Do they look mad?
I packed workout clothes for a vacation and my suitcase guffawed, unzipped itself and shot the clothes back out like a t-shirt cannon
The date was going really well until he told me to stop calling it Pasghetti.
Due to unfortunate circumstances things are no longer fergalicious nor bootylicious
[rap battle]
Opponent: *crushes it*
Me: Oh, I… umm. I thought this was something else… *hastily hides plastic wrap behind back*
USPS: does this package contain any perishables
me, in a cake, in the box: I’LL BE FINE
HER: I love Game Of Thrones
ME(trying to impress her): I slept with my sister
Look, just because Jeff Bezos looks like Lex Luthor & acts like Lex Luthor, doesn’t…uh oh.
I imagine dinner would almost be cooked by now if I’d remembered to put it in the oven
– a memoir
some Old Testament wisdom
The Grapes of Wrath 2: The Raisins of Revenge
PARENTS: your teen may be worshipping Satan. Look for these terms:
LOL – Lucifer Our Lord
BRB – Burn Religious Books
TBH – Tell Beelzebub Hi
OMG! Imagine being in a room with all of your exes!
*imagines room of people playing ps4 and ignoring me*
Doctor: “You are gonna hear the pitter-patter of tiny feet.”
Kim: “I’m pregnant?!”
Doc: “No-”
*a tiny monkey walks in*
“This is my nurse.”
an article: “young people”
me (hasn’t been young in a very long time): ah they mean me
*Wakes up*
“Wow I feel pretty good”
*Moves body*
“Maybe I spoke too soon”