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My memory is horrible but I remember every person I loaned a book to that didn’t return it.
“I could really use a side piece” was a phrase I uttered that didn’t help my jigsaw puzzle or my marriage.
Cop: Will I find any drugs in your car?
Me: I don’t know but if you do, I’m not sharing.
Texas principal: If that’s a homemade clock and not a bomb, what time is it?
Muslim student: Time for a lawsuit.
“Look at me at me when I’m talking to you, lady. Oh, no, no, not you, lady. I call my daughter lady. I’m so sorry.”
* me, in public on more than one occasion.
I’m like Pooh bear. I just want to eat, hang with my homies, and go around pantsless
My wife and I are in a fight so I just looked her right in the eyes and folded a towel in fourths.
Used to tell my kids that I had underwear older than them but now that the kids are 21 and 24, I’ve stopped. Also, to be fair, they’re not much more than waistbands now.
If Kim Kardashian & Snooki were drowning & I could only save one, I’d have a hard time deciding whether to make a sandwich or take a nap.
Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
This is a whole mood;
Standup desk? Sure then I’ll pay someone to whack me in the kneecaps too
i think they should have thrown one avenger in with all the scientists in oppenheimer. just one little tiny scene where oppenheimer, feynmann, and fermi are sitting around like “well, what do you think, Ant Man?”
I love horror movies until it’s time to do laundry in the basement and I have to run up the stairs before a scary force pulls me back down.
If people winked in real life as much as they do on the Internet, the world would be about 542.67% creepier.
My 3yo asked what my favourite animal is and when I said penguin she yelled ‘NO IT ISNT’ and then she yelled at me until I agreed that my favourite animal was a bat and I don’t like bats. Or 3 year olds.
if you become a ghost, don’t limit yourself to haunting houses. be the first to haunt a jellyfish exhibit! make a tulip your home and startle a bee. haunt a ball of yarn, get knit into a sweater. remember: it’s your soul that’s eternally damned, NOT your sense of style
I’m Scottish so when people don’t like my tweets I just assume it’s because they can’t understand my accent
I never made it as a firefighter. I thought arsonists were people who hated arson, so every time we met one I thanked him for his support
Worst bar ever.
I thought the English would use more sophisticated gifs but, sadly, no. Nothing Dickensian or Shakespearean. Just lots of Hugh Grant shrugging.
I can no longer listen to the radio. The risk of being welcomed to the jungle is too great.
Allegiant airlines charges for a glass of water but you know what’s free? Ice. Now we wait.
The person who figures out how to marry someone without marrying their family too, will win the Nobel Peace Prize
{to my new cat} i need you to kill this rat. u are the king of the jungle. u got this homie
{after watching an episode of tom and jerry} forget everything i just said. stay away from that rat. he’s going to kill you with a piano.
Twitter basically:
Person: “These socks are itchy.”
Other people:
“That’s not true. I have socks that aren’t itchy.”
“You shouldn’t generalize about socks.”
“Some people need itchy socks. Stop crapping on them.”
“First-world foot problems.”
“The real problem is shoes.”
Marie Kondō’s method really has been magical. I’m ridding my home of anything that doesn’t “spark joy.”
So far I’m down one washing machine, one vacuum, and a husband.
Hubby took the kids downstairs and is letting me sleep in! I’m so excit..never mind, I hear crying already. I think it’s my husband.
Imagine meeting your doppelgänger and they can still eat cheese all day without repercussions
Cashier: “Look at all this candy! You’re going to have a lot of happy kids this Halloween”
Me: “It’s Halloween?”