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Sure stepping on a Lego is painful, but have you ever twisted your ankle tripping over a cold and shamed Natalie Imbruglia lying naked on the floor?
when you see warnings on the 3D glasses from the movies that says “do not use to view eclipse” that’s because of me
please don’t argue with me because the only difference between me & a psych ward patient is i’m at home
If you had a choice between owning a dragon or world peace, what would you name your dragon?
HER: It’s a gender reveal party.
ME: To tell the sex of the baby.
HER: You have to stop calling it a sex party.
Wile E Coyote: I like my dinner on the run if you know what I mean
*pulls up to the Taco Bell window*
Me: And this is my house
Friend: What’s upstairs?
Me: Stairs don’t talk.
the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care most about
batman [through gritted teeth]: pancakes
robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what
Having sex while really full is like running with a backpack on.
Told a girl she’s more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses and she said I’m also more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses.
I heard you’re supposed to talk to your plants, it helps them grow so when I water mine, I say “you like that, don’t cha?” The artificial plant is still thriving, so there’s that.
Not to brag but I already took down the Easter Tree
Yelling at the kids to get ready for bed 35 minutes after I already put them to bed is how I function on cold medicine.
[cat support technician]
Me: So you’re here to fix my computer?
Cat: *nods*
Me: Great, here it is.
Cat: *lays on keyboard & falls asleep*
Amazon Prime would be a good title for a Wonder Woman movie.
MOM: [walks into daughter’s room, sees protest signs, history books, list of senators’ phone numbers on bed] Are you… politically active?
If I was Taylor Swift I would only date men whose job has a lot of terms that are easy to rhyme with.
How are you gonna be in the throes of heartbreak and have to write a song rhyming with “line of scrimmage”?
In my 20s: I’ll show them
In my 30s: I probably won’t show them
Netflix, stop making me wait 15 seconds between episodes. I can’t click because I’m eating cereal and a sandwich.
I’m not as tweet as you drunk I am think.
I have a bitch face but I’m a parent so it’s never resting
Me: Did you know avocado improves Brain function?’
Kristen: ‘Mom you eat it all the time and I haven’t seen ANY improvement.’
You have two wolves inside you.
Should have ordered an appetizer.
Person: “I hate geology puns.”
Me: “My sediments exactly.”
ME: If I donate my body, will it be used for weird and gross sex experiments?
SCIENTIST: Of course not!
ME: Oh. Nevermind, then.
Brain: He mentioned marriage again. You know what to do.
*sets phone on fire*
Following my previous tweet, I would like to clarify that I am not running for mayor. I meant to say that I was running from the mayor but mistyped because I was running at the time.
Guy: Welcome to mercenary training. Tell me why you’re here
Man: Money
Woman: Money
Me: *wearing swim floaties* Drove to the wrong YMCA
America: Japanese ads are extremely weird
Also America: *airs commercials about toilet paper obsessed bears that are constantly shitting*