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The rain is pouring. So naturally it’s a good day to eat 6 donuts.
Mistakes movie theater popcorn butter for hand sanitizer
Hilarity ensues
Nature Valley granola bar: 42 grams
Crumbs left after eating it: 43 grams
Nobody does “I’m walking back inside the house but as slowly as possible to indicate I’m not happy about it” like a dog.
GPS randomly stopped working on my phone this morning. Have accepted that I live here now. In the woods. Two blocks from home.
My wife is the most beautiful, intelligent person standing right behind me reading my Twitter feed.
[During sex]
GF: I meant to ask before, but you took the test, right?
ME: Yes
GF: Oh thank God
ME: Apparently I’m most like Chandler
Me: I hurt my back really bad
Friend: How?
Me: I woke up
Cyber Monday has become too commercialized
My little niece ate her chocolate Easter bunny’s face because she “didn’t like the way it was looking at her”
I’m locking my bedroom door tonight
*First day as a spy*
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
*flashback to me ringing the doorbell and running away over & over*
Me: Ohhh yeh
not me out here checking the growth progress of my potted flowers only a couple hours after i planted the seeds in the first place
(painted my 7yr old’s nails)
7: I know you did the best you could, it’s just that, the colors we’re supposed to have an ombré effect.
Me: Oh, an ombré effect. Well, if you’re dissatisfied with the service please feel free to leave a negative review for my non existent nail salon.
Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
me in my last relationship: ignores all the red flags
me single: i don’t like this guys choice of emojis
Did my parents think they could just blindly support my choice to wear Capri pants at age 13 without there being any consequences?
By the time you reach 45, everyone becomes an expert orthopedist. “It hurts where? Yeah, that’s your medial hip flexor tendon maximus. I had that last year.”
I had to manually change the channel on the TV because the batteries in the remote died, and now the kids think I know magic.
Eat local. Your neighbor’s food.
*comes home drunk
*sleeps on floor
*meets someone from France*
I’m a big fan of your toast!
“Uh-oh!”
– My toddler, looking me dead in the eye while he feeds his dinner to the dog
I’m a social vegan, I don’t like meet.
Her: You’ll never guess what I did today.
Me: You’re right. *gets up, leaves the room*
Her: ‘Are you listening to a word I’m saying?!’
Me: ‘Sounds like a plan.’
I know you’re not supposed to hug the old lady giving out samples at Costco, but the sausage she gave me had cheese inside. Cheese.In.Side.
Sandwich: Hi. Barman: Sorry, we dont serve food in here.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
2020 feels like trying to jog while both of your feet are asleep.
[I try photo shopping abs on me but i accidentally make my head four times normal size]