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My middle school bus driver gave me a ziplock of venison and my mom cooked it and didn’t ask any questions. I think about it a lot.
I talk a lot of shit for a girl with a blankie.
12: I can’t wait to be an adult.
Me: I can’t wait for you to find out how wrong you were about this.
my neighbor is SO SWEET she somehow decided all of us neighbors on both sides love wind chimes SO MUCH she bought wind chimes for her backyard
I’m not the life of the party I am the weird basement noises of the party
My children wanted to play neighbours and are very upset that I called the cops to report them for trespassing
Me: there’s just no way you ONLY have air conditioners
Lowes employee: *visibly uncomfortable*
Me: here’s the thing Curp
Lowes employee: it’s Curt
Me: here’s the thing Curd. I’m gonna need you to show me where the air shampoos are
Ladies, don’t date hungry guys…they’re just trying to get into your pantries.
a store that sells jeans and khakis should be called a pantry
[speaking at an AA meeting]
Me: You’ll find the transition from hard liquor to hard drugs expensive, but very rewarding
*everyone cheers*
Boss: Can I have a word?
Me: Color
Boss: No, I want a word with YOU
Me: Colour
Don’t ask me for advice I still don’t understand what a 3D printer is.
ATTENTION MEN: STOP BUYING YOUR GIRLFRIEND FLOWERS AND PERFUME FOR VALENTINE’S DAY AND GET HER WHAT SHE REALLY WANTS. A SWORD
Hey guys with your phone in a hip holster, is it because your purse is too full with tampons?
getting groceries
Victor Frankenstein being only 23 years old when he made the monster is crazy to me, he should have been at the club.
Saw a house on zillow with a built-in wine fridge and it’s no longer for sale, so that will always be the one that got away
*jolts awake*
*frantically searches around*WAIT A MINUTE!
THIS FEELS LIKE ONLY 47 PILLOWS!
It’s wild how many grown adults complain about being in debt. Like, it’s not hard. I have zero debt in my early 30s, all because I’ve worked since I was 16, I don’t spend money on things I don’t need, and my great great grandfather invented doors.
son: dad sing me a song
me: alright *clears throat* SHAWTY HAD THEM APPLE BOTTOM JEANS
wife from the other room: JEANS
me: BOOTS WITH THE FUR
wife: *shows up, grabs both door handles and drops it low* WITH THE FUR
me: THE WHOLE CLUB WAS LOOKING AT HER
Goth karate is easy because you already start off with a black belt.
All the junk foods you eat through the holidays can bind you up. It happens. But I have a colonoscopy coming soon so the prep will take care of all that.
New Year, new bowels. Gotta look for the bright side.
Hey, so I was working on an Excel spreadsheet and hit an unfamiliar function button and, long story short, now I am trapped inside it and all these numbers are mad at me
I’ve broken all my New Year’s Resolutions so now I’m moving on to laws of nature.
*Mother driving me to an appt in the city as I clutch the passenger seat, white knuckled, terrified
Me: You drive like an old lady!
Her: That’s not very nice.
*swerves to avoid oncoming vegetable truck
Me: WE ARE GOING TO DIE
Her: Good thing I’m already an old lady.
“What do you mean ‘stuffed'”?
A man messaged me on insta and said “you are not looking bad.” This might be the one, y’all
Give me one good reason why I shouldn’t use an everything bagel as a loofah in the shower tomorrow