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My boss: There are no stupid questions
Me: Do people get discounted manicures if they’re missing a finger?
My boss: I’m going home early
I bought a toilet seat from Amazon and now they keep sending me emails asking if I’m interested in buying a toilet seat like I’ve got like 20 toilets in the mansion I don’t live in.
This girl on FB said “Lunch with daddy” and it was an actual pic of her kids with their dad and I was expecting her with some old dude. Twitter broke me!
Imagine being the first Robert called Bobby, they were probably like, ‘wtf did you just call me?’
We DNA tested our dog and it turns out he killed a guy in Toledo in ‘79
Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret. – Ambrose Bierce
That dress was wearable way before your “cami” intervened. India and lingerie sites. *rolls eyes*
BEYONCE: do u like my album
JAY: [thinking to self] if anyone hears this i’ll be ruined
JAY: [out loud] we should make it a tidal exclusive
“How do you find anything in here?!”
-my mugger, giving my purse back
I treat the Steam store like the fridge.
I keep opening it to look even though I know there’s nothing in there I want.
The bakery used a white paper bag instead of a brown one like they knew these croissants are prescription.
Netflix: “Are you still watching? Do you have any hobbies?”
My coworker was making a run to the convenience store and asked if anyone wanted anything and I said a Yoo-hoo and now everyone is making fun of me
Guys who resent their friends for not sharing their hair products are gel less.
My top 5 exercises:
-jumping to conclusions
-flying off the handle
-carrying things too far
-dodging responsibilities
-pushing my luck
When I’m having a bad day nothing sets me off quite like trying to pull one wipe out of the container and 47 more coming with it
gorilla trainer: don’t make direct eye contact with him he sees it as a threat
gorilla optometrist: uh oh
FRIEND: Your kitchen looks great
ME: Wanna see the new garbage disposal?
FRIEND: Sure
ME: [opening cupboard to reveal a large raccoon napping] His name is Boris
Took my daughter and her best friend to dinner and a show with endless snacks and sodas but we didn’t get ice cream afterwards so naturally this night will forever be known as “that night you didn’t get us ice cream.”
[interview]
THEM: what would you say if i gave you money from the register and told you to keep it?
ME: thank you.
ME: [spotting Diane across the room] Diane!
ANNE: ARE YOU THREATENING ME?!
Viking funerals are perfect for when you want to honor a friend and also get rid of a boat.
There are two kinds of people here
1. Those who tried deleting another person’s tweet or reply.
2. Liars
if I was a horned animal fighting another male for a mate and I lost, I would just go up to one of the females after and be like “I won.” They don’t even watch
I don’t understand wishing dead celebrities happy birthday. Shoutout to Mary Queen of Scots, who would be 577 today.
wife: we should get a pet
me: *nodding* a wolf
wife: are you insane? those are dangerous
me: a large dog
wife: ok thats a good compromis-
me: that hates the moon
english majors be like furthermore
[Kid Training Headquarters]
Kid Boss: When you get home, you must take off your shoes and throw them as far away from each other as possible
Kid Trainee: But shouldn’t we keep them togeth—
Kid Boss: SILENCE, FOOL! YOUR GOAL IS FOR THEM TO END UP IN SEPARATE ROOMS
Jeff is here!
“Jeff from work or Jeff the guy who announces his arrival anytime he enters a room”
Jeff is here!
My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.