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My tinder profile says I’m looking for an
Wife: Your resolution this year should be to listen to me better.
Me: Bacon would be great, thanks.
Person on another social media site described themselves as an “unobservant atheist” and I had to sit down in my rocker and let my addled brain try to puzzle that one out.
It took me 20 minutes and a terribly bruised wrist to realize that this slap bracelet is actually a ruler.
{1st day as a correctional therapist}
Me: you need to free yourself from the prison-
Inmate: *excitedly unfolds escape plan*
Me: OF YOUR MIND
Inmate: *sadly folds escape plan*
It’s -45° and my polar bear won’t start.
*points to person jogging outside through the snow*
“Look kids, a lunatic”
My 7yo, as we drive past the tennis courts near his school: “that’s where all the old grandpas yell at each other.”
Hey, let’s eat outside tonight so the flies can eat our food while the mosquitos eat us, & the kids eat nothing because they hate burgers today.
dumbshit neighbor: is that your dog running around your backyard?
me: no, that’s a fence
Just googled “unsolved murders in my area” because I have some extra time and someone has to solve these cases.
If you call the coffee mugs by your bed “a collection”, you never have to take them to the sink
*stands on scanner at self checkout, weighing self after keying in mango code, just to see what net worth is in mangoes
TOP 5 USES FOR APPLES:
1. creating sin
2. inventing gravity
3. keeping doctors away
4. shooting off of a child’s head
5. pie
wife: you said you were going to organize the garage during the pandemic
me: I said NEXT pandemic
*holds up gun*
GIVE ME ALL YOUR HONEY!Bank: You mean money?
*giggles*
Oh, bother…– Pooh robbing a bank
ME: The mugger…he called himself “Antman”
SKETCH ARTIST: *puts a dot on a piece of paper*
ME [shaking] omg that’s him!
[boss finds pics of me snowboarding]
“You missed work bc you said you were sick…& judging from these pics, YOU WERENT LYING”
*fist bump*
*a meeting somewhere*
“Women seem to want pants with pockets.”
Great. Let’s sell ’em all the pockets we can.“Okay, but just to be clear *pants* with pockets.”
Yes yes, I hear you, Junior. They want pockets.“No, pants with—”
Wow it’s almost noon. Let’s hit the links.
If you think you’re attracted to me, just know that I make my sandwiches like this:
[party]
GUY: Let’s play a drinking game!
ME: Yahtzee!
GUY: That’s not a drinking game.
ME: Haha yeah right then what’s the cup for?
[everyone looks at each other]
ME: {holding stomach} What’s the cup for?
Coughing so much that next doors dog has started barking back at me. Best conversation all day
One way to tell if what you’re watching isn’t really news is if the person is shouting at you.
“Hi, I’m calling for info on your bicycle on Craigslist.”
It’s heavy, brown, has new shoes, and loves carrots. It’s definitely not a horse.
Puns make me numb but math puns make me number.
Today is my mom’s birthday or as she calls it, Cinco de Seis, because someone taught her just enough Spanish to be annoying.
I have decided to forgive my own student loans. Peace be with you.
santa: make me a hundred thousand PlayStations
elf: *holding only a hammer* how
