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“Schrödinger’s Second” is the time immediately after a child collides with an object where they are both hurt and not hurt until observed
This is the smartest joke I’ve ever written
Stuff the woman sitting in front of me has googled in class today:
Henry Cavill
Clam chowder
New England clam chowder
Where is New England
Old England
Henry CavillAnd, no, it’s not a chowder class.
Remember the old ‘yawn and stretch’ move in the cinema with your crush?
Astrophysicists still struggling to explain the Big Bang Theory: “It’s a corny show! We just don’t get it!” said one astrophysicist.
Calm down shouty man, this isn’t the first time my toddler has fought a swan.
Forgot I was sharing my screen and everyone saw my beanie babies inventory spreadsheet omg
Looking for a new spicy potato chip?
-Hot Pringles in your area
Are you supposed to wear the fanny pack over the gut or underneath it? I don’t want to look like a dork.
stop
WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.
“You’re a ten?”
“On the PH scale, Cuz you basic.”
My theory is that planet of the apes wasn’t really about apes but people who spent a long time in lockdown without access to a hairdresser
Why are karate people always breaking boards? Did boards kill their parents?
I like to listen to Anu Malik’s music while I study because he is a constant reminder on why it’s important to get educated.
Every time my boyfriend and I break up, we get back together for half the length of our previous relationship. My friends say it’s unhealthy, but as a student of mathematics, I know it’s bound to end in a finite amount of time.
Wanna know what it’s like to have kids? Picture one of those automatic ball-pitching machines, but instead of balls, it’s questions. And it never shuts off.
[cloud watching]
GIRLFRIEND: That one looks like a ring.
ME: I think it looks like two people taking it slow despite the pregnancy.
I could literally be on fire burning to death and my kids would ask me to open their snack rather than any other adult around.
*Takes off clothes
*Enters meeting room naked
*Coworkers gasp in horror
*Slowly backs out of room[whispers] “you said debriefing”
I’m only leaving the house today so my selfies will have new backgrounds.
I hate when I go to unbutton my pants because they’re too tight and they’re already unbuttoned.
I hate to say I’m better than u but… I can name all the Ninja Turtles & tell u their weapon & bandana color
When I say “I’m going to bathroom brb”, my dogs hear “gather up, it’s showtime!”
Your dating profile said you were a night owl…..eat this mouse.
Bird: Good morning! How are you?
Me: Oh my God! You can talk!
Bird *tapping his Bluetooth ear piece*: I missed what you said, some jackass is shouting at me.
*power walks to the refrigerator*
*looks at fish tank
6: It’s part cat and part fish?
Me: No it’s just a fish
*Catfish maintains eye contact while pushing over treasure chest
all the video games my bf plays are like “would you like to Search Beehive?” and he’ll say yes and it’ll be like “you have found: A Bee”
If I was pregnant and people asked when I was due I would say what do you mean
I like that he just laid there without moving like I might not notice the cookie he slid over to himself
