You Might Also Like
trump: ban muslims
jeb bush: i disagree. just like dad would. who used to be president
ben carson: how did spongebob make fire underwater
4 out of 5 fire departments recommend I get takeout.
I’m starting to think some of you are actually on Facebook.
You know we just joke about being Facebook right?
Yeah but neither are the yachts soooooo 🤷♀️
Orcas are not our friends
people act so amazed at shroedingers cat being alive and dead at the same time as if they’ve never met someone who works customer service
I like my men like I like my coffee shops.
Clean.
Smells nice.
Free wi-fi.
Date: So what’s your backstory?
Me: Arthritis.
I just switched my doorbell to the sound of a shot gun loading.
My love transcends space, time, personal boundaries and several antibiotics
I have no problem feeding my kid something that fell on the floor, so I get it, restaurant employees.
Demon: So, we’ve got some mayonnaise and potatoes and a few other random things.
Satan: Excellent. Now mix them all together and call it a salad.
Pro tip…Excessive use of alcohol can cause memory loss or worse memory loss.
A pregnant lady, except it’s me smuggling king sized candy into the movies for 6 kids and saving $278.
if babies “fix everything” then why can’t they hold power tools
[family therapy]
JIMMY: My dad turns everything into a movie reference
DOC: Why do you do that?
ME: I want to develop a bond, James. Bond
Sure the Lego botanical sets are great but dusting them is another story.
*hand touches hot stove*
BRAIN: GET IT OFF NOW NOW*mouth eats hot food*
BRAIN: CHEW FASTER. JUGGLE IT WITH YOUR TONGUE. DON’T BE A QUITTER
How come we never describe an arsonist as someone who lit up a room?
[first day as an art thief]
Me: (pointing gun at sculpture) give me your money
her: the car isnt working. you need to do something about it
me: sure *to car* GET A JOB YOU LAZY CAR
her: i meant a mechanic
me: i really dont care what job
Me: If you bit your brother again, you’re grounded.
Son: But I’m already grounded. WE’RE ALL GROUNDED!!!!!!
[shows jury picture of gruesome murder scene]
*they all gasp*
That was my initial reaction too. Those shoes with those pants?
A new study done by economists says the American dream now costs approximately 4.4 million dollars or one roll of duct tape and two to three celebrity children
THERAPIST: As a young boy, did your mother ever treat you badly?
ME: As far as I know *pauses to think* my mother was never a young boy
When you take Google Maps too seriously.
I like to walk through the mall and hand out bags of Cheetos to all the kids I see wearing white clothes
Having a pet is basically just asking “how did you get so cute?” followed by “why are you wet?” 6 or 7 times a day.
Your first mistake was trusting me with leftover tiramisu in the fridge
No, I’m not wearing lipgloss, I’ve just been eating salami.