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FRIEND: I hate when people refer to their pets as children.
ME: You do that all the time with your dog.
FRIEND: I don’t have a dog.
ME: …
FRIEND: Are you referring to my toddler?
ME: …Probably.
Hey I bet you guys can’t guess what the Titanic’s least favorite kind of lettuce is
Imagine it’s hundreds of years ago and the ground shakes violently and then a couple days later the sun vanishes we’d definitely be burning some witches
My wife: That’s not the clothes I sent her to playschool in.
Me: But she’s the right kid?
Wife: Yes. But…
Me: Cool. I’m going to play Playstation.
Remember before Amazon reviews when you could just buy a toothbrush without 6 hours of research?
when I die, cross my arms in the casket so I’ll look like I’m disappointed in everyone who comes to view my body at the funeral
ISAAC NEWTON: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at his feet* i have just discovered gravity
ME: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at my feet* i have just discovered fruit by the foot
I gave her the red cup
Instead of the green
She threw her hands up
Proceeded to scream
I countered with reason
“I’ll fix this for you
Don’t start at a ten
When it’s barely a two”
She narrowed her eyes
Considered me swiftly
Ignored all my reason
And took it to fifty
Everyone: Look at all of those red flags.
Me: Red is the color of love tho.
Card reader: this is not looking good
Me: mf’er, reshuffle it
WIFE: Hey why are all our potatoes dressed in tiny outfits and arranged in a little scene?
ME: [hiding Photato Album] Why? Do you like it?
[magic show]
MAGICIAN {fanning out deck of cards}: Pick a card, any card…
ME: Your VISA card
MAGICIAN: God dammit!
“If you gaze long into a bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.” – Philosophical soup kitchen chef
When I die, please scatter my ashes over my iPhone, computer and TV, because I want to be left to my own devices.
Resteraunts call themselves gastropubs and eateries so they don’t have to spell restarunt.
Do you smell smoke?
I always say that when I fart. It makes people take a deep breath.
‘You have an important event coming up? OwmeeGod, count me in!’ -pimples.
vet: I need to give your dog some shots
me: no he doesn’t drink
Every Sunday is superbowel if you eat enough chili
Our security system revealed that a black cat arrives at our house every night around 10pm. It then sits on our front stoop all night and leaves around 5am. There is only one logical explanation: I am going to Hogwarts soon.
u spoke cat all this time??????
[gettysburg]
Abraham Lincoln: four score and seven years ago-
Me: wtf does that mean
Abraham Lincoln: 87
Me: say 87 then
Let’s cut to the chase babe. I’ve only got a few DMs left.
As a man I’ll never know the what the pain of child birth feels like. But I’m guessing the pain of stubbing your toes has to be really close.
The only times I go for a jog is when there’s a cute guy in front of me or a creepy guy behind me.
should i airdrop this to the person in the voting booth next to me
The biggest lie from my childhood was “Anti-Skip Protection” on my Sony Disc Man.
Being a serial killer is much like being a comedian, in that you either hit it big and get your own Netflix special, or you spend eternity popping up on shitty podcasts