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coworker: anyone else smell lasagna?
me excited about my new vape juice: guess what
Don’t ask about my weird flex, this is the position I’m stuck in.
Tape a terrible drawing of a refrigerator onto your child.
Boss: Can you redact the total before sending the statement?
Me: Sure. Right after I look up the word redact.
Suck it losers, I just bought an autographed picture of Jesus for two grand.
Neighbor just yelled at me for playing in his sprinkler.
Note to self, I should wear clothes next time.
My general rule about animals is if I can catch it, I can pet it. If it can catch me…well, I’ll get a few pets in first.
Captain: *opens treasure chest* Arrgh! It be just a mirror!
First Mate: Look closely, Cap’n
Captain: *studies* The treasure… is me?
Crew: Happy Birthday, Cap’n!
Captain: *sniff* Yarrr
If you can’t stand me at my worst then WAIT COME BACK HERE WHERE ARE YOU GOING
it’s the silliest best thing
*asks family what they want from the grocery, no one says a word*
{in checkout lane}
*receives 4 separate food request texts from family*
packed all my meds into one bottle for a trip and accidentally invented the best trail mix
imagine being Pierce brosnan in Mrs doubtfire, you’re dating a nice woman, her kids like you, it’s all great then one day you’re in a restaurant choking from anaphylactic shock and her drunk ex husband runs towards you in an old lady costume and you think how is this my life now
Someone pissed on the bus driver’s passes this morning. No, not literally. That smell is from the back seats.
[months ago]
Me: I wish for one episode to be so dark no one can see it, one episode to include an infamous coffee cup debacle, and the series to end with Tony Soprano sitting on the Iron Throne.
Genie: And now we wait.
I’m not crazy.
I keep my old batteries in the refrigerator next to my butter, just like everybody else.
One of the best
I’m not average. I’m mean.
I don’t know why Coca-Cola and Pepsi are fighting over what Santa drinks, everybody knows that big fat belly can only come from beers.
No your muscles are too big. I don’t want a boyfriend who makes me exercise.
Good news class—you are exactly 9 years old, so from here on out, we’ll exclusively be reading books where the dog dies.
Toddler, sleepily: “A lot of people live in our house.”
Me: “Momma, Matty, and me. That’s all.”
Toddler, pointing behind me: “And them too.”
I turn to see an empty hallway. I’m 99% certain it was an empty hallway.
Sadiq’s joke in today’s Time Out 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼
Hotel California reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Such a lovely place”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Plenty of room. Excellent check out”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Can’t leave”
Me: and for my last wish, I want to be hung like a horse.
Genie: As you command. *a massive, extra strong gallows and noose appears*
I was wondering how they got the sign to just float in midair like that. Now it makes sense.
*first date*
Her: I’m a bit of a night owl
Me: Surely as most owls are nocturnal then it’s just an owl
H: Well, aren’t you a hoot
Discovered my husband thinks the candy is called “whoopers” and I may never recover from this
📽️movie date🎞️
i saw a single tiktok in which a woman mispronounced gnocchi “yonkees” and unfortunately for everyone in my life i am going to say it that way forever now.