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*fire alarm goes off at typewriter factory, causing all employees to jump up at the same time and wedge together in the doorway*
“Pecan” sounds like Yoda telling someone he is able to go to the bathroom.
[leaving 5 minute voicemail] …and you can reach me at [deep breath] *says phone number as fast as possible, slurring the numbers together*
You have to be careful making self deprecating jokes on twitter. Because you say something like “oh my gosh I’m so ugly!” And people are like “yes. But we love you!” 😂🤣
Twitter keeps throwing in “in case you missed it” on my timeline…. I’ve been on twitter for the last 16 hours, I didnt miss it.
Beanbag chairs are fun and comfortable but you should never buy one because one day you’ll get some really bad news and you’ll have to roll off the side and onto the floor before standing up to comfort your partner.
*puts on workout clothes*
*opens a jumbo size bag of Doritos*
I just found out that they made an entire movie based on my favorite Will Smith song “Men in Black.”
Why do plane tickets have to be so expensive…you’re literally going that way anyway…just give me a ride.
Whoever gets the gift from me that has scissors under the wrapping paper, I’m going to need those back.
me: *texting* I hate to leave this in a text, but due to the new variant, I’m not coming for the holidays
spouse: *walking in the room* Did you just leave me a text?
God gives everyone a hot cousin to test us.
Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.
Wife: Can you turn on the oven?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of oven]
Wife: why for everything
I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
People who say ‘mayo’ instead of ‘mayonnaise’ live 12 years longer cos of all the time they save
I bought a lamp made from citrus fruit, but refuse to use it.
I’m trying to avoid the limelight.
I took my kids to the playground and now they want me to push them on the swings. Jesus Christ, haven’t I done enough?
Sad that 25 years ago Homer Simpson seemed like a looser in American culture and now it’s like: “Whoa…that guy has a job AND owns a home?”
I think the short sellers had it right with Game Stop. It’s a failing business. If you look closely at their actual business model it does not seem at all effective at stopping games.
My new oil business is a nonprofit but only because I’m not making any money and just buying yachts.
🎶 Take me down to the cubicle city where the boss is mean and the pay is shitty 🎶
I’m just a girl.
Standing in front of a girl.
Wondering how she got her eyeliner on so perfectly.
just bought $250 worth of there’s nothing to eat
“On second thoughts… I’m not hungry!”
My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.
I told him I’d send him nudes everyday he was sick, but we are on day 17 now… how long does the flu normally last?
Yes I did run that bus full of children off the road but I was late for my LARPING championship.
If every day is a gift, I’m going to return some of them. Store credit is fine.