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Her: “I want you to have this bracelet that belonged to my grandfather.”
Me: “Why does it say ‘Do Not Resuscitate’ on it?”
[Spills wine]
“My medicine!!”
Have you ever noticed that Santa brings better gifts to the kids that have rich parents?
Do I believe in angels?
I don’t know.Do I believe in cheese?
I can see cheese.
Cheese has helped me out in difficult times.
Yeah.
a centaur has six limbs, a lower abdomen (horse torso), and an upper thorax (human torso), categorically making it a bug
Quarantine Day 21: Turns out I don’t hate my coworkers as much as I thought I did.
me before getting into birding: OMG SHUT UP BIRDS IT’S 5AM
me now: OMG SHUT UP CAROLINA WRENS, INDIGO BUNTINGS, AND TUFTED TITMICE IT’S 5AM
My 10 year-old nephew is learning about Argentina, so I told him about all the great wines they make down there, and this, my friends, is how you get out of after-school pickups.
STOP SACRIFICING GOATS I NEVER SAID I WANTED GOATS
God: write this down
Moses [grabs tablet]: shoot
God: thou shalt have no-
Moses: slow down, pal. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’
[small-town McDonald’s cashier holds bill up to light, studies it]
Me: You get a lot of counterfeit fives around here?
I am open to suggestions, comments, or glowing praise followed by many exclamation points.
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a hairless cat.
My mom just texted me to say that her dog killed 2 groundhogs in her backyard this morning so I think she may be doing Groundhog Day wrong.
ME: can i open a joint account
BANKER: ok with who
ME: anyone rich
When I was a kid, a girl called me a witch for having green eyes. She’s a hamster now.
Her: is the game almost over?
Me: this is just the first half
Her: uggghh how many more halves are there?
Me: you’re pretty
What if there were a liquid that tasted like acidic, sour dirt?
– inventor of cranberry juice
What about a haunted doll that reminds you to take your birth control
Just when the world was convinced Canadians were normal, we published a recipe for ketchup cake on our ketchup bottles.
I was going to eat a healthy snack, then I remembered that time when Eve ate an apple. Figured, it’s better not risk it.
I don’t know what I just witnessed, but this guy was swirling his glass of wine so fast, like a washing machine on it’s final spin, that I asked if he could do my laundry.
Horse girls and cat ladies get all the attention but what about crow women
Why do I have so many fruit flies in my apartment? All the fruit I have is either gummy or schnapps.
Just bent over and heard a snap. Was hoping it was a broken rib but turns out it was the underwire in my last good bra snapping 😭
H: where did you move after your divorce?
Me: On.
I moved on.
When you’re British and you need to deliver the sickest burn possible
If you take terrible vacations, it’s more exciting coming back home
Such a beautiful day I chose to walk instead of the bus. Job interview can start without me.
Honestly, ladies, pockets aren’t all that they’re hyped up to be.
*finding the car key fob in three pieces in the dryer