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The sandwich I made for lunch didn’t even make it until 10am.
A tropical depression is just like a regular depression. Except instead of being unable to get out of bed, you can’t get out of a hammock.
An old natural remedy to soothe a broken heart is rubbing a jellyfish on it.
My new work colleague went to Argentina on holiday in September. I knew instantly he and I were not going to be friends when I said to him “at that time of year, it can be bordering on Chile” and he proceeded to tell me he was okay as he’d taken a jacket.
[sees a squirrel walking, not running, out of a cemetery] sweet jesus this is how it begins
Wow so when the little kid in “The sixth sense” says “I see dead people”, it’s an iconic movie scene but when I say “I see dead people”, I’m arrested for necrophilia.
Is it because I’m brown??
When I misplace something and you say “where did you have it last” I feel like you don’t know what misplace means.
We’re investigation reports of little piles cack in all the flower beds around here. You match the description of somebody we’d like to talk to.
“Clue” is a board game about people trapped in a house and one of them is a homicidal maniac who has just killed. Ages 8 and up.
on my last dying breath saying “please… tell her I love her…” and then handing a stranger a heart locket and when they open the necklace it’s a selfie of me
MANAGER: Great news guys, I finally got us a gig
BAND: Thank God! Finally!
MANAGER: *installing RAM* Yeah it’ll make this PC way faster
This dogs tail is more talented than I will ever be
If we just refer to ISIS as “Nickelback” maybe nobody will want to join them
Dentist: Do you floss?
Me: sometimes at wedding receptions if I’m drunk enough
3yo: daddy why is everyone wearing masks?
Me: *considering how honest I want to be with my toddler* Ninja invasion.
Science says 99% of dust in your home is flakes of human skin but in my home it’s mostly microscopic potato chip crumbs.
flight attendant: sir u can’t bring that on the plane
me: this is my emotional support refrigerator
When someone blows a kiss at me I karate chop it right in half.
A crowd gathered in a circle, yelling “FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT” but in the middle it’s me trying to button my pants
How long do you wait before you introduce your girlfriend to your child? For arguments sake let’s say you’ve been dating for 3 years and the child is 6 weeks old.
For the ones in the back.
I will piledrive the next kid who puts on a shitty movie then leaves the room.
Doctors offices be like hi we’ll take you right in the room take your vitals and then leave you in there for 2 hours.
Dear waiter,
You messed up my order because you didn’t write it down. I employed your strategy while calculating the tip.
Love,
David
be safe out there!
Rain chat:
“Did you hear the rain last night?”
“Yeah it kept me awake”
“Same! What time did you get to sleep?”
“I’m not sure. When did you?”
“About three I think but then it woke me up again”
“Same. I even went downstairs at one point”
“Yeah I should’ve done that”
microwave: gonna cook it
me: no please. just defrost the chicken.
microwave: ok i’ll do both
Of course I look tired, it’s hard pretending to be awake.
The sacred dance of avoiding eye contact with people you know in the grocery store.
I haven’t won anything since I did my kid’s fifth grade science fair project.