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people who own banana costumes will wear that shit to anything. its labor day and theyre like waittt u know what would be perfect rn
Hot, single, raccoons in your area want to rummage through your garbage.
Many hands make light work
Who is that walking up my driveway?!
Anxiety in 3…2…1…
[knock, knock]
*sigh*
“WAIT A SECOND!” *mumbles* “I need to find pants.”
My therapist thanked me for making her decision to retire early much easier.
So I’ve got that going for me.
Me: let’s go vegetarian
Husband: can we still eat eggs
M: of course
H: fish?
M: obviously
H: bacon on special occas-
M: we’d be crazy not to
Yesterday I asked my kindergartener what she did in school and she said “nothing,” then later I went on Instagram and her teacher had posted a picture of her holding a crocodile.
Interviewer: says here you’re a sniper
Me [opening gun case]: affirmative
Interviewer: is that a Supersoaker with a Pringles can taped to it
Husband: Well, for starters, she introduces me as her current husband.
Marriage counselor: …
Me: …
date: oh you want to be an astronaut? wow you must be so adventurous
me: [knows that bone mass decreases in space making it the safest place to be when the skeleton war begins] yeah final frontier and all that haha
Since they won’t vote anyway, Obama should make the GOP look bad by nominating a bald eagle holding a picture of Jesus to the Supreme Court.
Any body can be a summer body if it’s discovered between the months of June and September
Me: Can I dip my breadstick in your Alfredo sauce?
Him: Usually it’s me asking you that.
13YO: SHUT UP. STOP IT RIGHT NOW!
Flex on your relatives by answering their phone call.
[dark movie theater]
me: *opens soda can*
them:
me: *opens then starts loudly crunching corn nuts*
them: Shhhh
me: *pulls out cast iron with sizzling fajitas*
17 asked what the 80’s were like and i told her to sit in the middle of the front seat between me and her grandma.
Me: At work, I’m always the smartest person in the room
Friend: You teach first grade
“The Shining isn’t a Christmas movie” shut up there’s literally snow in it
poet: knick knack.. paddy whack..
me: this guy is awful
my dog: i know right
poet: ..give the dog a bone
my dog: actually lets hear him out
The kids are upset we’re having chicken and peas for dinner which means our dog is very happy we’re having chicken and peas for dinner.
mcdonald’s will “anything else” you to death can you wait a mcminute
Nothing worse than talking to a person with a large amount of spit in their mouth that talks really fast. HOLY SHIT…My glasses r ruined
My wedding didnt even make it into my sister’s instagram september dump but her Starbucks order did
Dating Tips.
C all her 69 times a day.
R ing her doorbell and hide.
E avesdrop by phone tapping.
E ye her bffs.
P oke her on FB.
Due to my obvious intelligence and the confusing of me for another boy with the same last name, I was placed in the gifted class.
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
I went to a school that was so posh, the gym was called James.
Airport Announcer: Please report any unattended items to TSA
Me: *sees random 3-year-old running around*
Me: *slowly reaches for phone*
Just saw my Nana for what will probably be the last time. She’s very healthy but never wants to see me again.