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upon my death:
1. tell my kids I loved them
2. give my daughter my jewelry
3. leave french fries in my coffin, just in case
2003: I am going to be the best mom ever.
2017: My kids will probably need therapy because of me.
“Write this down.”
[Moses grabs tablet]
“Thou shalt not steal [raises eyebrow] where did you get that tablet from?”
My dog couldn’t find his favorite toy so I got on my hands and knees and crawled around the house for 10 minutes looking under all the furniture, and he was SO excited for me to be down there with him, I could tell he was like “YES she finally figured out how to walk”
I love getting socks for Christmas idk what you people are complaining about
First base: drinks
Second base: hooking up
Third base: consistently hanging out for over 3 months and refusing to call it a relationship because both of you are terrified of commitment and communication
*phone rings*
Menacing voice: ‘Have you checked the children?’
Me: ‘Could you do it?’
Mormon cats have 9 wives.
I’ve already accomplished* so much today
*been afraid of a goose
Romantic cop: Here, I brought you a flower.
Competitive about everything cop: Big deal. I brought you a flowest.
[dean tries handing me a diploma as I walk across the stage] I have a boyfriend
-Look Jim, I know you mean well, and asking people to help you write messages to your girlfriend is not exactly illegal..
-Right!
-But..
-Ugh, here it goes
-People seam to be scared when you stop them to ask questions, and you know why, Jim
-(drops his head) cause I’m a cop
Cndnsd Mlk
My bank balance is a gentle reminder that in a few years my twins will have to battle it out for one college place!
Assert your dominance by putting a few decorative pillows in your husband’s truck.
6: *practicing her gymnastics beam routine*
Me, with my hand stuck in a Pringles can: don’t forget to point your toes!
The preschoolers got to choose a free book from the book fair, so my kid came home with one we already have because she knows she likes it, and I can’t fault that logic
The Secret Service was chasing me but I painted a tunnel on the side of a wall and they all ran into it
Why do I hear my husband encouraging our youngest to be a goalie? Is my anxiety not quite crippling enough for him?
my (38F) identical twin daughters (11F) met at summer camp and have unionized
I can explain a lot of things in Manchester but I can’t explain this 😭
How’s school, Hannah?
“Really tough, dad.”
They’re calling you Hannah Banana, aren’t they?
“No-”
WHY THE HELL NOT
Running barefoot, the morning’s dew cool on my feet. My hair flows in the August breeze and I carry with me treasures from my past. I look to the horizon and I see him, my hero. And I smile. For today is Recycling Day and I’ve made it to the curb on time.
[Interview]
“Tell me your weaknesses”
Me: Well, I..
*wife busts in* He’s a mouth breather, leaves the toilet seat up, forgets to take out th
Wife: OMG, stop saying that. You’re embarrassing me. You’re a waiter at a BBQ restaurant.
Me: I’ll thank you to refer to me as a porking attendant.
This bartender doesn’t know it yet, but she is probably going to make me 36 hours late for work tomorrow.
Me: You’re dumping me because I never listen and you’re gay!?
Boyfriend: …No. I said I’m dumping you because you never listen, have a nice day!
*Feels the cool breeze caressing my skin*
Cool breeze: I have a girlfriend
*walks away from an explosion in slow motion
*walks right into another explosion in slow motion