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I never get as envious of parents as I do when their baby starts crying & they get to leave the event
jesus: (on the cross) you know what i could really go for right now? a hard-boiled egg
Me: *hands her a pitri dish I’ve cultivated over several months*
Her: what’s this?
Me: You said you wanted multiple organisms
When someone says, “that’s ridiculous, no one will ever do that”, I’m the guy that says, “hold my beer. I’ll do it.”
“wfh”
what it means: work from home
what my brain sees: what fthe hell?
my six year old just made this bumper sticker for me
It’s not that I don’t care about your opinion but everyone has one. They’re everywhere. You can’t walk without tripping on one. They’re falling from the sky now, lurking in dark alleys. One time a strong opinion threw me on its shoulder & carried me off like a Viking marauder.
American Horror Story:
Walmart Bathroom
The tooth fairy was drunk again last night and dropped her phone on 8’s head
Masseuse (whispers in my ear): Hey baby, would you like a happy ending?
Me: [flashback to end of Infinity Wars] Yes, please
So apparently they don’t count as sit-ups if you’re just trying to get out of bed. Shame, as this morning I did about 9
[kung fu fight]
“Your tiger claw is no match for my crane.”
*starts lifting heavy building materials*
Attacked by a mop.
I wish I could fall as gracefully as a winter coat slinking off the back of a chair.
Nothing more humbling than being at a karaoke birthday party with a bunch of singers.
This could be the whiskey talking but I don’t think I should be jury foreman.
I was not prepared for the back-to-school chaos this morning. “GRAB YOUR LUNCHES AND GET OUT OF MY HOUSE!” was something I said. Along with, “Have a great first day sweethearts! I will miss you so much!” Being one of my kids must be so confusing. Mommy loves you but please go.
I’m gaining weight because it’s hard to carry around this much “awesome” in a standard-sized body.
Him: What time are you picking up the kids?
Me: I’ll leave as soon as I rinse the blood off my car.
Him: What?
Me: What? *click*
The downside of being raised in the wild by wolves is that after you’ve grown up and left the wild, and you’re living in Shoreditch, they come to visit and you take them to your local vegan restaurant and they embarrass you by trying to order lamb.
I have accidentally eaten the lil paper flag on the Hershey’s kiss more times than I’m comfortable with this holiday season
My villain power is instantly answering insults with vicious burns like:
“I’m going to throw something at you that will stick in your face forever”
“Make like Job and suffer endlessly” &
“Nice shoes. Did you make ’em?”
hi yes i’d like a vodka salad please
“you mean a bloody mary”
yeah yeah whatever just hurry it up
Applebee’s boss: You’re fired!
Me: Wha? Why? Is it because I fixed the soup of the day?
AB: No, it’s because you keep saying “Eatin’ good in the neighborhood… if you know what I mean”
M: 😏
AB: Wait, what did you do to the soup?
I just ate an entire cake to get the taste of salad out of my mouth.
Is there anything more infuriating than the text you get confirming you’ve unsubscribed from the text chain you just unsubscribed from?
If you wait for the perfect time. You will become a perfectionist at waiting.
The sole purpose of a potato masher is to prevent you from opening a drawer.
Gonna start messing with people in public bathrooms and say “oh I recognize those shoes!”
sorry about the last 24 hours California, i brought back a mysterious relic from overseas but i’ve destroyed it now