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You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?
[Playing poker]
*Takes my college diploma out of my wallet, unfolds it and slams it on the table
I raise you 125k
“We’re still looking for a side project”
Tornado: *raises hand* we could flip houses
“We’ve been over this, it’s not what you think it is”
I’m not convinced that Trader Joe’s is actually inspired by a trader named Joe, and isn’t about someone trading exclusively in guys named Joe
Nobody puts baby in a corndog.
“Some say I have a drinking problem”
*pours glass of water on lap*
I thought there was something wrong with my eye because the area around it was swollen but it was just my face getting fatter
I cleaned the door glass and one of the dogs is barking at his reflection. That tells you how filthy the windows were.
Fair play to the crow who visits the roof outside my window first thing each morning, and whose cawing has the exact pitch and rhythm as the reversing alert on the recycling lorry, sending me into a blind panic that I’ve forgotten to put the bins out.
I’ve been anticipating all his needs and trying to be more on time with all of his demands. I really hope my cat picks me for employee of the month this time.
Before & after 😅
LEGALIZE MEDICINAL MURDER
Customer Service: How does the name appear on your credit card?
Me: If i had to guess, I’d say it’s 11 pt. Arial bold.
Me: One large buttery popcorn please!
Him: Ma’am you have to buy a ticket to get into the movies…
Me: One large buttery popcorn TO GO SIR
“Do you really let your dog sleep in the bed with you??”
My dog:
I don’t hate you I just wish your next period is in a shark tank
Why is nobody talking about how Sia is just Hulk Hogan’s mustache?
There was a praying mantis in my room so I stealthily grabbed a shoe and smashed my 2nd-story window and jumped out.
If it comes down to Joe Biden vs Donald Trump we should just accept our fates & let a chili dog eating contest determine who’s president.
Babies are just like turtles, keep them in water and also feed them turtle food.
incredible google review i just found
Time traveling humans are always freaked out by culture changes
If a moose time travels it probably just finds a field to frolic in moosily
Me: *trying to take a shower*
My brain: SPICE DWARVES
Me: No
Brain: Sleepy, Happy, Scary, Ginger, Sneezy, Baby and Posh
Me: Why
Brain: 🎶if you wanna be my lover, you gotta do all my chores
Me: Nobody cares about the Spice Girls anymore, what is wrong with you
Brain: 🎶Hi HOOOOOO
My husband ate the rice I cooked for our new puppy and long story short his bags are packed.
If using your 4yo as a remote control to fetch things makes you a bad parent, then I’m a bad parent…
A bad parent with an ice cold beer.
Well well well…
Preteen: mom whyyyyyy do I have to take a shower
Also preteen: *takes 45 minute shower*
Ibuprofen is the new Chiclets for people over 40
My wife yelled from upstairs and asked, “Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone’s got a voodoo doll of you and they’re stabbing it?”
I replied “No…”
She responded: “How about now?”
Me: I’d like to get this prescription filled
Pharmacist: This is a recipe for chicken marsala
Me: What time should I pick that up?