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Forget being the bigger person, I’m going to just start barking at people
Being an adult is like being in a Quentin Tarantino movie. It starts off real cool, there’s a lot of cussing, it’s very confusing, everyone dies.
Hoping my son just tells me he knows I’m the tooth fairy so I don’t break my back trying to ninja this dollar under his pillow tonight
“”What if – and this sounds crazy – what if we based the look on this drawing my 3 year old made?” – Design team for Kia Soul
This is Huahua. He was told not to chew on the furniture. Which he isn’t. He is chewing under the furniture. 12/10
Wife just found out my ring tone for her is “ding dong the witch is dead” so if anyone wants to race to Canada READY SET GO
Poop your pants one time and suddenly you’re banned from the MacDonalds ball pit
Wife is “not angry” that I ate her Pringles…..
So, I’ll be sleeping with one eye open, like a mob boss.
I got chased by two Canadian geese today. I know they were Canadian because when they realized I was genuinely scared, they apologized.
*drops pizza slice on the floor
Hey can I get another slice?
*eats slice that fell on the floor then eats new slice
I need a Magic 8 ball so i can find out if I’m drinking today or if I’m re-shaking it until i am
Bathroom stall doors should have peepholes so you don’t have to awkwardly knock if someone is in there
[the cops release the cadaver sniffing dogs into my living room for the third time this week]
ME: *pauses netflix* I told you I’m not dead!
Explaining email to a time traveler: It’s like a mail but I get it on my device. For example *pointing at American Red Cross email* this person asks me for some of my blood, every day.
IKEA is the swedish word for “relationship meltdown in a public place.”
bible: love thy enemy
me: loves carbohydrates
Dog Lawyer: Permission to treat the witness as hostile?
Judge: Granted
Dog Lawyer: *bares teeth*
Roomba: *revving suction noises*
I’m glad we’re finally banning plastic straws. It’s about time we started caring about camels and their fragile backs
I’m afraid to be cremated and have the whole place smelling like honey BBQ and bacon
If any of you have 3 hours to kill our youngest has a great story about how she picked her favorite color.
My mom spent so much of our trip saying “your generation doesn’t read” she didn’t get to touch her book
It’s awesome when people honk at you for not moving when you’re letting people cross. You’re right bro I should just annihilate this family of four
STOP FLIRTING WITH YOUR UNCLE AT YOUR WEDDING WITH YOUR COUSIN #HouseOfTheDragon
yeah baby i am an animal in bed. more specifically a koala. i can sleep for 22 hours a day
Breadcrumbs on mac and cheese be like here let’s sprinkle some carbs on top of these carbs
My 3 year old, who doesn’t notice her pants are inside out or that her shoes are on the wrong feet, can spot a diced onion in her food from 3 feet away
After spending the last week stealing cars and killing people I just found out GTA had missions.
Watching two cows do naughty things to each other in a bush. They been reading the Farmer Sutra lol
Failed Pickup Lines:
“Baby, my memory may be selective but I’m not.”
Today, we celebrate German copywriters refusing to hire English speakers
