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In Heaven
Me: I can’t believe how much stuff the Bible got wrong
Gid: You idiots couldn’t even get my Giddamn name right
“Get a puppy,” they said.
“It will be fun,” they said.I got 4 hours of sleep.
I’m 5’5″ and a HALF. I think men should be pretty impressed that I consider half inches very important when measuring things.
girlfriend: is crying
me, an empath: im sensing that you want me to go play playstation for a while
“That Will Smith is a nice young man, I hope he wins Celebrity Apprentice.”
No Grandma, that’s Ben Carson and this is the Republican Debate
Doc asked if I had a strong stream and I told him it’s so strong sometimes I flood the shower.
I know my daughter is just like me because when I asked why she didn’t like her school’s guided meditation, she said: “Because don’t tell me when to breathe, that’s why.”
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: Have you seen my harmonica?
Me: So when a man and a woman…
All the guys in working out photos look like they’re straining or in pain, but there’s lots of pictures of me with cake and I look happy.
LUKE: daddy, what’s my name from?
ME: it’s from the bible
CHEWBACCA: and mine?
ME: umm [sweating] also the bible
If my boyfriend ever cheated on me I’d be like omg I have a boyfriend 🙂
Me: I’d like you to fudge some numbers please.
Accountant: First, that’s illegal. Second, this is your calorie counting app.
When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”
It’s above my pay grade to try to debate or change minds on social media. If you want to call a fish a squirrel, you’re right. Look at that squirrel swim
my son just told me that i have a “fixed mindset” and he has a “growth mindset” so he’s banned from youtube until i can figure out what is going on
Her: remember Jimmy Neutron?
Me: yeah, but I haven’t seen it in years
Her: what was the super hero the nerdy kid loved?
Me: ultra lord, and his name was Sheen
Her: yes, thank you. When’s my birthday?
Me:
Her: when’s my birthday Kyle
Me:
Me: happy b-
Her: it was yesterday
People are ruining the word Daddy, my kids are going to have to call me ‘homie’ or some shit.
I met a girl at a club last night and she told me she’d show me a good time.
When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.
It takes me about 15 hours to fully wake up in the morning
90% of parenting is making up rules. 10% is trying to remember them.
Me: it’s almost like if someone is interested in me I instinctively run away
Therapist: that’s interesting
Me: ok you seem nice but I gotta go
Me: i have a tummy ache so i been on the BRAT diet.
You: Bananas, rice, applesauce & toast?
Me *eating a bowl of bologna, rum, anchovies & tiramisu*: oh god dammit
Been given the task of creating the perfect fish pun and, friends, the struggle is eel
if i ask for your hoodie it’s not because i like you, it’s for witchcraft.
Them: We should go for a walk in the park
Me: [Excited] We hiding a body?
Them:
Me: Oh right, exercise
If Satan isn’t real then why am I in a group text with my family
Most of my trips into Home Depot are to fix something that I screwed up after my previous trip to Home Depot.
i love treating twitter as my diary. this is my zoo enclosure and my followers are the tourists watching me eat hay
Call centre operator: “Sorry for the delay, bear with me … ”
Me: “Put the bear on, he probably knows more.”
9 out of 7 people can’t do fractions