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Me: I love living in a place with four seasons.
Me, the first day I have to scrape ice off my car: Screw this entire state.
A small toddler is the closest thing you can have to a Pokémon. It follows you around, you love it dearly, no one else can understand what it’s saying, and it is obedient only when it wants to be. The main difference is that training it to fight other toddlers is frowned upon
It’s amazing how many errands I’m willing to run when family is in town. No, no you relax. I’ll go.
If he calls you clingy, move in immediately without warning and decorate his bed with 57 throw pillows
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Omg: dad, where did our names come from?
Karen: the algorithm, son
Meatsheets: dad, we already know there’s no algorithm
Karen: *soft blocks Meatsheets*
I bet when David Hasselhoff gets too drunk he roams the streets screaming “KITT!” When he can’t find his car.
If I ever run into my doppelgänger I’m going to steal his liver.
“Hello welcome to meteorologist school. Please stick your head out of the nearest window and pick your diploma up on your way out.”
AT&T sent me a text apologizing for their service outage. I sent them a text thanking them for making it impossible for people to call me.
the scariest thing about jeff bezos is that he is impossible to ratatouille
you telling me a banana nut in this bread
“What state are we in now?”
-kids, 5 minutes into a 15-hour road trip
r kelly: will you touch this shower quick
king midas: why
Me: ’til death do us part
Her: ’til death do us part
Death: *cracks open beer* Imma watch them suffer a while
95% of your time as a parent is spent trying to figure out who broke it, who stole it and who ate it
My kid hasn’t finished her homework but she did call a family meeting to show us the 20 slide presentation she created on why we should get a cat.
Man next to to me just said into his phone “You caught me in the middle of a sandwich.” He’s lying. He is not in a sandwich.
Nobody associated with Pizza Hut better say anything controversial. I need my stuff crust pizza
Diabetes: you’re my type.
Me: you’re my type 2
I like to play my cello on the beach, but I only know 2 notes and for some reason it freaks everyone out.
driving in the car and my girlfriend leaned over and said “where does an owl get dinner? pizza hoot” and then continued on with her business as if nothing had happened
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Gaslighting one person isn’t enough. I’m scheduling a town hall meeting.
Don’t even THINK about “honey”ing me if you’ve shrunk the damn kids…
me *brings toddler his popsicle* What do you say?
toddler: Finally
A big storm is coming & everyone’s buying bread, milk, and eggs. Apparently you battle bad weather with French Toast.
“Kids are picking on me, Mom”
I’ll teach you how to fight, son.
“Yes!”
[Mom spreads rumors about son and ignores him for 3 days]
Asked mom what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said “I don’t want any gifts, I just want to know my kids are happy” well that’s a pretty big ask, Christy. Can I just get you the vacuum and call it even?
What I heard:
Wanna see who can outstink each other, pick ticks, worry about serial killers and fight bears for the good pooping spots?What they said: Want to go camping?