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ME: sorry boss, can’t come in today. i’m sick as a dog.
DOG: [heelys passed – smoking a pipe] you wish, bro
I never blamed anyone for my broken dreams except maybe myself but mostly my alarm clock.
Alcohol is generally the answer. Especially when the question is ‘why can’t I remember what the question is?’
I bought a book on Feng Shuis but I don’t know where to put it.
[Car at red lights]
ME *starts fiddling with the radio*HOT WOMAN: *pulls up alongside me*
ME: *slowly lowers the fiddle*
Whenever I put on makeup, I do a sign of the cross on my forehead with my foundation and I’ll tell myself “Bless this mess.”
Sorry, but your kids don’t look adorable when they lose their teeth, they look like tiny homeless people.
[both kids on my lap]
Me:This is so nice
5yo:Mommy your breath stinks.
M: I carried you for 9 months!
4yo:Why didn’t you use a stroller?
My man got attacked by a snapping turtle.
I asked the ER doctor if he would get turtle powers and the doctor asked him if he feels safe at home
[first day as waiter]
Customer: Do you ever have second thoughts?
Me: *sweating* I can ask the chef.
clark kent’s honeymoon starts on a down note
I heard a sexy “i saw mommy kissing sata claus” which is unsettling—either the adult saw her senior mother kiss Santa (her dad?) and is horned up about it OR she’s singing about herself being Mommy having an out of body dissociation, either way, up her prescriptions
broke: animals can’t go to heaven because they don’t wait til marriage to have sex
woke: u can teach a parrot to say the sinner’s prayer, parrots will be in heaven, parrots everywhere
How to have a good marriage:
1. Hold hands
2. Cuddle
3. Take out the trash like I have been telling you to do ALL DAY Craig
GOD: [reviewing solar system] hmm… i’ll give it 5 stars
EARTH: [imediately starts screamig due to masive gravitational pull of 4 new stars]
*extends arm for handshake*
Me: Hello, it’s nice to meet you
Friend: Sorry, but my dad is blind
Me: Oh…. HELLO, IT’S NICE TO MEET YOU
Our son came home one day with
a note from his first grade teacher:Your son bit another boy today.
Is he getting enough to eat at home ?
You would be amazed how cheap lawn mowers are at Home Depot when you own a pickup truck and a orange apron.
The only time anyone’s ever gotten choked when having sex with me is when they got bored and started eating a sandwich.
I cower in the darkness surrounded by demons that relentlessly tempt me… I submit to the temptation.
4: mom? are you hiding in the pantry eating cookies again?
The ability of a morning phone call to trigger my anxiety speaks valiums
I don’t have emotional baggage , I have got a small carry on griefcase
Professor X: what’s your superpower?
Me: I’m half horse, half Isaac Newton
Professor X: oh… ok. listen, we don’t have any openings right now bu-
Me: they call me The Centaur of Gravity
Professor X: welcome aboard
If you love someone, throw your earbuds at them. There’s a good chance they’ll be entangled in them and won’t be able to run.
PSA: If you end your meeting early, you let the people go. you don’t say “lets use this extra time to chat and catch up”. i don’t want to, kevin. i want to not be here.
you: let’s get this bread
j.d. salinger, an intellectual: let’s catch this rye
In my son’s class they were talking about allergies, my son said “My mom says she’s allergic to most other moms” Super
My wife and I spell out words so our toddler won’t understand what we’re saying, but we both spell like shit so we can’t understand what we’re saying either.
Not to brag but my Motorola flip top phone still has the same full charge since 96′