Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Dora” only rhymes with “Explorer” if you’re from Long Island, New York

“The best things in life are free.”
– Kleptomaniac

Auto mechanic: Well here’s your problem. The last person to work on this didn’t wash their hands after using the restroom.

“I’m in the best shape of my life!” -Newborn baby

He died doing what he loved: almost crossing the street.

I remember when rollercoasters were fun, not a daily emotional existence.

Parenting talk translated.

“Come on you’re very tired, you need to get to bed.”

Actually means:

“Come on, I’m very tired, you need to get to bed.”

When a pig loses his leg, wouldn’t it be a hamputation?

In a movie, whenever someone gets fired they never have two boxes of belongings.

Friend: “I’m breaking up with my boyfriend. He acts like a savage.”

Me: “Fred or Ben?”

Caught my cats filing nuisance lawsuits again.

Archaeologist: These drawings – could the horn shapes on top of their heads actually be antennas? Are we seeing depictions of aliens?

A zillion years ago: Here kids take this charcoal and go draw on the rocks.

3yo: Ima draw daddy when he gets up in the morning. 𝘨𝘪𝘨𝘨𝘭𝘦

i’m a 44 y/o man that can’t pretend anymore wtf is a timothee chalamet

When I die, before I’m cremated, fill me with popcorn kernels for one last laugh.

Moving to a new house-
Everyone: “congrats! That’s so exciting! Yay! Great news!”
My dad: “how’s the water pressure?”

A police officer just stopped me due to the terrible state of the sleeve on my cardigan, which is covered in small balls of thread. I’ve been charged with grievous bobbly arm 😔

Whoever said “Just showing up is half the battle” (a) didn’t understand battles and (b) probably died quickly after showing up.

Today is the first New Moon after Jan 21sr. Happy New Year to Chinese people and all who choose to be Chinese for a day.

Me: I never lie.
Also me: Yes, i’ve read and agree with the privacy policy.

I have what CNN is calling ‘snow fatigue’ symptoms include:
Being tired of winter
A sudden desire for spring
Thoughts of murderous rage

Shout out to the kidney bean, the trachea celery, the gall bladder peanut and other foods named after internal organs.

How to keep the seat next to you empty.

Americans: “Beans on toast? Gross.”

Also Americans:

But seriously- how do Superheroes even go to the bathroom?
I mean, look at their costumes.

My daughter invented a game she calls “cellphone.” I have to pretend to be a stranger, while she plays herself and just tells me about her life. For hours. She enjoys this game considerably more than I do.

Me: Can I please be 7? It’s my lucky number.

Policeman: Get in the damn line up.

*Husband buys me flowers*

Me: Aw sweet, but don’t waste money on things that are going to die.

Him: But you keep buying the cat food.

“Keep it in your pants!”

-Original marketing slogan for cargo shorts.

I GOT INTO HARVARD!! 😍🥳🥳🥳 they left a first-floor window unlocked and i’m just walking around in here!

Meanwhile at the drugstore…
What do you mean I can’t drink alcohol with this medication?
You’re not a bartender!
You’re just a pharmacist.