9am: Nice try, Amazon, I’m not falling for the Prime Day BS again.
9:22am: *Reading reviews for commercial soft-serve ice cream makers*
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*Hamburglar returns home with bag of hamburgers*
*his wife, holding a crying baby, slaps the bag out of his hands*
“WE NEED MONEY, DAMMIT!”
Your car took up two spaces, so I tried to move it over with my key.
if I ever go missing, it won’t be hiking. you guys don’t even have to look there.
If you eat a pregnant girls food, you’re required to have the baby for her
*walks out of prison, a free man.
*guards shouting from gate
“From! At! For! With!”
What?
“Oh, we always end sentences with a preposition”
To graduate DJ school you have to pass your vinyls.
I walked briskly to the nearest safe haven as I was being chased by the hood on my jacket.
[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine
happy birthday to me. i am 25.
My daughter says she saw a demon in her room. I’m tweeting this from the safety of my office wishing her a lot of luck.
*pops the hood*
“Looks like the timing nut is gone on yer muffler belt”
.. Umm r u sure you work here?
*lifts eye brow, moustache falls off*
I’m so sick of answering questions about the age difference between my kids, so I’ve started telling people the oldest one came with the house.
Lunchables™? huge waste of money! I have my kids mill their own wheat then hunt, kill & field strip a wild bologna
“Microsoft Word? I haven’t heard that name in years…”
I may be nodding and smiling, but I’m secretly diagnosing you.
Well, son, back in my day, we didn’t have a fancy robot to turn the tv on for us. We only had a boomerang.
WIFE: would you chop these onions for me
ME: sure
WIFE: I meant with a knife
ME (tightening the belt on my karate robe): aww man
I’ve dated a guy who collected stained glass and wore bowling gloves so don’t talk to me about standards.
I PowerWashed the scale this morning because it kept calling me dirty names, like fat.
My dog probably thinks her name is Jesus Christ
Vet: We have to put his dog down
Assistant: You tell him
Vet: No, you
Assistant: You!
Vet: YOU!
John Wick: What are you two whispering about?
Writer: So this movie is about a little girl and her dog and…
Disney: Her parents die. Brilliant.
Writer: No.
Disney: Just her mom?
Writer: No.
Disney: Her dad?
Writer: No.
Disney: So then who dies? The girl? The dog?
Writer: Nobody dies!
Disney: Get out.
I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.
Dog: Dude, I’m your best friend.
Me: You shit on the carpet today.
Dog: *sighs* Look around you, Fitz. I’m still your best friend.
Things to know before you date me:
1. I party
2. The doctor forgot to cut my umbilical cord so my mom has to come
I am writing a book about all the things I should be doing in my life.
It’s called an oughtobiography.
“Pasta la veista, baby”
-Arnold Schwarzenoodles
A woman on tiktok joked her house was haunted and then was digging in her backyard to build a firepit and came across a rug buried 2.5 feet deep and was urged to call police who sent 2 cadaver dogs and they both signaled for a dead body and now half her yard’s a crime scene
If you encounter a bear in the woods, stand perfectly still and try to look like kale.