Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Hold on lemme just hotbox these bugs so I can steal and eat their goo.” -beekeepers everywhere

I want to put hot dogs on my fingers so I have extra long, floppy, hot dog fingers.

date: wow nice body

me: i like working out

date: it shows

me: *bench pressing cadaver* he’s starting to stink tho

Therapist: Ok *sigh*, what is it this week?

Me: Same issue. I just can’t get past the breakup. It still seems surreal.

Therapist: Look, we’ve been over this repeatedly. Yugoslavia is not getting back together

Every person you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.

Make it worse by asking if they’re drinking enough water.

[courtroom, on witness stand]
Prosecuting attny: If you think she’s poisoning you, why did you eat it?
Me: It was pizza
[jury nods, murmurs]

god: make a giant mouse

angel: okay

god: with a baby carrier on it

angel: wh- why

god: but it’s like, really good at jumping and stuff

angel: [nervously] what stuff

god: [hits joint] boxing

I don’t understand how people in the Walking Dead are living in the zombie apocalypse and they still look more well rested than I do

don’t talk to me or my son or my son’s son or my son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s s

I keep hearing about kids accidentally dying from trying to get an asphyxiation high.

What happened to drugs, kids?! We still have drugs!

Ironically I’m watching an exercise infomercial because I’m too lazy to get the remote.

I need a new toaster. Mine has two settings: WTF is it even on, and Viking funeral.

One way to handle social anxiety is to pretend you are a ghost & people are staring at you because they have a gift they never asked for

if someone leaves your life it’s often because the actor playing them is getting cancelled in the real world

transition lenses except they work when old ppl ask you why you haven’t had babies yet.

Him: Hey, we haven’t spoken in months!

Me *grabs his face* and now you’ve ruined it

Rejected Pixar Movie Titles:
House Float
Find My Fish Son
Automobile People
A Rat Cooked This
Ugh, We Gotta Find Another Fish

Just sayin’ cowboys are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between cows and boys.

Who called it “Monkey Business” instead of In-Ape-propriate behavior?

one time when I was a kid I was in canada on canada day but didn’t realize it was canada day and I saw a mountie on stilts so I spent the next couple of years thinking canada had stilt cops

Him: I’m an English teacher

Me: Oh yeah? Recite all the Englishes

HI MOM. YOU’RE GONNA BE SO PROUD. I JUST WON AN ARGUMENT ON THE INTERNET. Sorry caps lock was still on from the argument. But I won.

a•c•q•u•a•i•n•t•a•n•c•e•s (tv show, sitcom): six peopel avoid grabbing a cup of coffee together for 10 years

I don’t have a 17 step nightly skin regimen; I need that time to google if a Crocodile would win a fight with an Alligator.

keep scrolling I’ve got nothing.

I had to explain to my 5yo that he’s not allowed to “kaboom” the baby

Toddler: I won’t eat that lovingly prepared, absolutely delicious, gourmet meal because it’s yucky

Also Toddler: Eats 5 week old goldfish cracker from car seat and cries for more

what if your teeth were naturally flaccid and got hard when you got hungry

*accidentally grabs a fork from the silverware drawer instead of a spoon but I’m too lazy to go back so it takes me 47 min. to eat my soup*