9am: protein shake, oatmeal
1pm: small salad, chicken breast
5pm: grilled salmon, spinach
9pm: 4 whole “i don’t give a shit anymore” pizzas
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WIFE: *all sexy* You know, instead of going to the gym, we could…work out…in the bedroom
[Upstairs Later]
ME: *doing bicep curls with a weighted blanket* You were so right, babe.
If you’re feeling bad about yourself just know that today I awkwardly asked a cashier what they did for a living.
I establish dominance by setting my 8 layer dip next to your 7 layer dip at your party.
Me: so then you bring in 3 investors and like they bring in 3 investors and it just keeps going and going until we all get rich. You get it?
Pharaoh: i actually love this
Cashier: How are you today?
Me: You too.
🤦🏻♂️
When a bite of food falls off your plate… And you just stare at it on the ground like, “We could’ve made each other happy…”
It’s weird how obituaries state that someone was “survived” by, say, a son and daughter, as if the deceased hadn’t quite got round to murdering them.
Man on train saying he’s in back-to-back meetings all day, I suggested trying face-to-face meetings. He left without thanking me.
Corn mazes can be confusing until you remember corn isn’t walls and you can just walk right through it.
I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.
The person ahead of me paid for my Starbucks at drive-thru, and I was so excited about it I drove off without my drink.
If you use the word “whatevs” I will refuse to drink with you, unless you’re buying me a drink then whatevs.
It’s all fun and games until somebody fails a drug test.
I started to cook breakfast and my 8yo hopped up to me and chirped, “I can make eggs.”
And then she did.
She made perfect scrabbled eggs.
How long has she been trolling me, sitting at the breakfast table pretending that she cannot even pour herself a drink?
North Korea is officially named the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea. That’s like naming a prison The Fun Time Slumber Party Facility.
Sometimes I wonder how vegans can survive off what little they can eat and then I remember they just feed off attention.
Call me old timey, but I don’t stand for a lot of flim flam malarky.
Me: Can you describe the suspect?
Him: He was heavily armed
Me *writing octopus* this is bad
Autocorrect changed “Put Bacitracin on it” to “Put bacon on it”.
Fine, we’ll try that.
The greatest trick the devil ever played
was offering a buy one get one free sale one day after you already purchased two at regular price.
Life hack: enter your birthday as being on a different week on each restaurant membership so you get a freebie each weekend.
Mom, can you come pick me up? I’m at a party and someone is coughing.
99% of my socks are single. You don’t see them crying about it.
Once it’s in the oven I don’t really care why the chicken crossed the road.
out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted
Guess we’re having “I don’t know” for dinner again tonight.
I hate it when I’m digging my own grave at gunpoint and I discover buried treasure.
From now on, I’m referring to my ex girlfriends as “yesterbae’s.”
My 3 year old has been on the other side of the door knocking and making me “guess who” for five minutes. I’m usually pretty good at acting surprised time after time, but the glass door is really straining my theatrical skills.
Waiter, there’s a spider in my pie. I thought you had an “award winning chef”
*waiter points to MOST CUSTOMERS KILLED BY PIE SPIDERS trophy*