Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Him: *being flirty* I wish we met when we were young enough to still ruin each other’s lives

Me: *flirting back* I can still ruin your life

[a door mysteriously slams shut]

me: *spooked* what was that

the ghost haunting my home: just me still haunting lol

me: thank goodness I thought I left a window open

The best murder weapon would be a tupperwear lid because nobody would ever find it

“Are you fine being hugged while you pee?” is a question someone should’ve asked me before I had kids.

Therapist: don’t take things personally
Me: [literally a conscious being that experiences life from a first-person perspective] ok I’ll try

This egg could use more egg

– guy about to invent hollandaise sauce

gonorrhea would’ve been a good name for a diarrhea medicine.

dentist (who has studied mouths for years and has my mouth on display with perfect lighting, and is asking this question because she knows i haven’t been flossing): have you been flossing

me (slyly): yes

Fact: DJs who work at radio stations playing christmas music for two months are not allowed to wear belts or shoe laces.

“I’m not contagious anymore”
– Guy who’s about to make you sick

Did you have a good weekend or did your 4 y/o tell a lady with grey hair in the greeting card isle to “Move it old lady!”?

3yo and I were in a store & she pointed at a toy purse shouting ‘I want a pretty pursey!’ but her ‘r’s’ aren’t well pronounced so I never went back to that store again

[at the drs]
Dr: are you sexually active?
Me: yeah
Dr: with real people
Me [avoiding eye contact & twisting my foot in the ground]: yip

“Today’s special is a grilled Chilean sea bass with white wine reduction. We recommend Instagramming it with the 1977 or Apollo filters…”

Ordered a takeaway and the driver forgot my milkshake, I asked for a refund on the delivery app and it’s asking for a picture of the missing milkshake… I-

How many ears does Captain Kirk have?

Three: the left ear, the right ear, and the final front ear.

“Chicks dig a bad boy,” I say as I write ‘POOPIE’ in crayon all over her bedroom walls.

Beatles were all like “We love women.”

Zeppelin was all like “Bitch, I’m gonna leave you.”

HUMAN BEING: You won’t touch the salad I made, but you just ate 2 stray cats and a whole koi pond! I thought you said you were vegan!

ALIEN, from planet Vega 3: Yes, that’s right.

Country rooooads
Let’s-a goooo
It’s-a meeeee
Marioooooo

Mushroom Kingdooom
Mama Miaaaa
Take me Hoooome
Rainbow Roaaad

The way my kids use sunscreen they’ll never get a sunburn on their bathroom floor

Standing naked in front of the mirrors trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner.

Home Depot manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”

I have just planted some herbs so I am very excited to harvest one (1) tiny basil leaf in 8 weeks

Every time my daughter drinks juice she says “cheers” so…. no, not looking forward to parent teacher conferences.

The human body is 70% water and 30% land

Coworker: Are you joining us for the team meeting in the conference room?

Me: Nah, I’ve got too much to do.

Coworker: That’s too bad, the boss brought in some donuts.

Me:

Dishonest mechanic?

Principal: *pats me on the back at my graduation*

Me, who has never been burped: *burps for two full hours*