9am: “Right, that’s my sandwich made ready for lunchtime”
9.05am: “Right, that’s that sandwich eaten”
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Telling someone they can’t be sad because others have it worse is like telling someone they can’t be happy because others have it better.
If by multitasking you mean ruining my life in more than one way at a time, then yes, I’m multitasking.
When complaining of a stomach ache, you don’t really need to point to it or pat it gently. People pretty much know where the stomach is.
I’ve discovered my home doesn’t have a basement.
It was just the estate agent doing that walking down the stairs thing behind the couch
“It’s not about the money.”
-people with money
Interviewer: Why do you think you’d make a good waiter?
Me: (says nothing)
Interviewer: are you…waiting?
Me: *nods*
Interviewer: holy shit
GENIE:3 wishes
ME:Can I wish for more?
G:No
M:I wish u couldn’t count
G:Done. How many do u have left?
M:A billion
G:
M:
G:That sounds right
Me trying to reach for my goals
My monster costume for Halloween’s just going to be whispering, “better hope it’s not the poisoned one,” to kids when I hand out candy.
aliens took me up to on their ship but i have no time for that drama so i just jumped out
Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.
The difference between a turtle and a tortoise is the tortoise chose to race a hare and the turtle became a Ninja.
I can finish The Times’ crossword in under five minutes but I struggle to eat the whole paper
Life Lessons from the Petting Zoo:
-Everything bites
-So much pushing
-Did you bring quarters?
-OMG, goats have the weirdest pupils
Whenever my girlfriend and I share a meal, I let her have the first bite because I’m a gentleman.
Also, to see if it’s been poisoned.
I knew I saw you the moment I laid eyes on you
We should be able take jets and tanks and stuff whenever we want, we paid for them
Anytime I cannot find my kids I just go to the bathroom and wait for them to barge in
ME [yelling down into a volcano]: You shut your stupid Earth mouth
My doctor told me, “If you don’t quit smoking, it doesn’t really matter how poorly you eat” and that was the best day of my life.
Of course he’s into you. He’s just super-duper busy, messaging other chicks.
ME: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender lol
DATE: Haha, because you say something & he says it back to
ME: He’s murdered 7 people
Take your kids to see Santa so they can learn how to sit on a strange man’s lap in return for gifts.
ME: my contract says I can work from home
BOSS: *pushes me out the door* not at mine
I forgot the term “kidney stones” so I called them pee pebbles.
My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.
Parents will complain about their kids wanting to read the same book every night and then go watch the office for the bajillionth time.
Someone asked me if a co-worker was going to quit without notice. I correctly said notice isn’t required, employment in our state is ‘at-will.’ I was written up for “spreading rumors.” I worked 1 day into the next month to ensure 30 days more benefits and quit without notice.
wordle is just figuring out who to put in the bunkers during the apocalypse so humans can start procreating after.
Is this one haunted?
“No”
What about that one?
“Ma’am, none of the booze is haunted”
What kind of wine and spirits store is this?!