9am: *starts diet*
2pm: *injects KFC gravy intravenously*
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ME: OMG did I just get a shout-out on the radio?
GETAWAY DRIVER: [turning off police scanner] Kinda
*goes into cardiac arrest to avoid small talk with the EMTs*
Just checked weather. If anyone is curious what’s in my wardrobe, find me tomorrow. I will be wearing every article of clothing I own.
Me: If you want to be a Jedi, you have to follow strict rules.
Rey: Like what?
Me: Don’t hook up with anyone. They might be related.
[1st date]
Him: This is fun
Me: It is
Him: The last girl I went on a date with was the craziest person I’ve ever met
Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED
My 4yo just asked me if I was there when we went to Disney 6 weeks ago for 5 days, so I’m obviously making a huge impact in her life.
My 4yo thinks the ice cream truck is “just a music truck.”
NO ONE TELL HER
Get yourself a girl who can help you destroy evidence and lie under oath.
Someone left an anonymous love note on my daughter’s desk and the first thing she did was put it in a ziploc baggie so she can get DNA and fingerprints
Things I’ve Learned From Horror Movies:
•Don’t have sex, you’ll die.
•Don’t leave the group, you’ll die.
•Don’t be black, you’ll die first.
japanese corn
On date night my wife took me to a place where you make your own pottery. I made an urn.
“Lethal Weapon” is my favorite movie about how to fix a dislocated shoulder.
My wife just said “I’m fine” and “Do whatever you want” in a single sentence so if you never see another tweet from me again, y’all know the reason.
When people dig up a grave in the movies it’s always so fast. It usually takes me days.
British websites use biscuits.
quick poll: why’d you break up with me in high school Alison
Me: It’s going to be a great day!
Life: Yeah, about that…
There’s nothing more difficult than trying to convince a narcissist that you don’t like them.
Thinking of having kids?
Buy a sofa where the cushions are attached and don’t come off.
You’re welcome. I’ve just saved you fifteen million hours of your life.
Chicago launched an innovative new ride-sharing program today and the way it works is some guy stole my bike.
[First date]
“So, do you have any pets?”
Yeah, I have a pet crow. He’s white.
“You have an albino crow?”
He prefers the term cawcasian.
There’s a reason the iPhone autocorrects “Yolo” to “tool.”
Some people are looking for the meaning of life. I’m still looking for the meaning of I licky boom boom down.
suddenly remembered my high school production of hamlet where the drama teacher decided that the only actor with the gravitas to play claudius was…. himself
the cast was 15 teenagers and a man in his 40s with a highlighted pompadour, dark wash denim, and a silver skull ring.
he taught us drama alright.
Me: can I start calling him 3.5 yet?
Wife: do you even know his name anymore?
Me: yes wife of course I know his name.
How all things should be taught/explained.
her: what are you watching?
me: film about misconceptions of ownership and land rights of wetlands under an absolute monarchy
her:
me:
her: are you describing sh—
me: yeah it’s shrek again
*my friend pulling the dog’s tail after his surgery*
why isn’t this lamp working