Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I am only drinking 2 beers tonight, but in dog beers.

son: she literally knows nothing

me: not literally, figuratively. If it were literally she wouldn’t be able to function

son: you are literally the most annoying dad in the world

me: now you’re getting the hang of it

me: *starts the washer*

me, two minutes later: what’s that noise

this guy on tiktok rated emergency alarm sounds from different countries and there’s no reason it should be this funny 💀

Seal it so to open it, you’ll need just enough force that the contents will explode all over the place.

~inventor of cereal bags probably

Lol. If u can’t pass, atleast confuse the teacher 😆😅🙉

I’ll never understand the appeal of TV shows about food. To me that’s like listening to the Victoria Secret Fashion Show on the radio.

I did my first abdominal exercise since my 4 abdominal surgeries and I can say with absolute certainty that my abs are cake.

Once a guy pisses me off, I cancel their whole age group.

Currently accepting men aged 53, 74, and 98.

If there’s a line up for the hand dryer you can always use the persons shirt in front of you

Was complaining to my mom about my daughter’s attitude and she told me I should’ve named her payback.

I could never work at subway because I’d say, “I got your foot long right here,” no matter what the customer ordered

My favorite game with the kids is one where I play dead until they go around to their dad’s side of the bed and wake him up.

Just ordered Dominos while at Dominos because I need a ride home.

The Pope is putting out a Christmas album. And just like that, Lady Gaga now has the SECOND weirdest wardrobe in music

Well it’s been a week and I’ve already f’ed things up so here’s to 2025

BF went to text me “almost there”
It came out “almost dead”
So hungover, I wrote back “thank god”
And now he arrived and things are awkward

If McDonald’s was smart they’d serve breakfast until 2pm on the weekends.

I have an eating disorder. I’m about to eat dis order of pizza, dis order of fries and dis order of nuggets.

My husband and I were at a restaurant and the couple next to us kept feeding each other and let me tell you we would NEVER do that unless it was poison

(looking up from my book) only a couple words in and already i know i’m gonna like this book. this dickens guy immediately establishes that it was the best of times. people used to write about that kind of thing, just good guys having a nice time. (i turn back to the book) f***!

If I was a sushi chef I’d wear divers gear so people knew it was fresh.

Deer population is controlled by releasing wolves into an area. All problems should be solved that way. Too much pollution? Release wolves in factories. Dislike Congress? Wolves. Wanna lose weight? That’s right, wolves.

Word of the day:

Auspicious – Adjective – Favorable or suggestive of future success.

Not to be confused with awwspicious, an adjective meaning “suspiciously adorable.”

As in, “That corgi with the rusty knife in his mouth is so awwspicious!”

Her: I love a tough guy

Me: I’ve got some scars

Her: Ooh. Show me one.

Me: [pulls up shirt and points to bellybutton] This is from when I was born

*At Super Bowl Party*

Hey baby, they’ve got a WHOLE bunch of shrimp here, did you bring the big purse?

I cut the size tags out of my clothes because I disagree.

If my dog’s front feet move while he’s asleep then I know he’s dreaming about playing the piano. If it’s his back feet, tap dancing.

I still have dents in my head from sleeping in hair curlers

Me: a pessimist sees the glass half empty; an optimist see the glass half full.

Wife: [returning from the restroom] why is half my mimosa gone?

Me: because you’re a pessimist.