Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

dinosaur: omg a meteor

t-rex clark kent: *desperately trying to remove his glasses with his tiny arms*

Don’t worry when I get to heaven I’ll put in a good word for you guys

Next time, I will just serve my guests pretty envelopes with the stories I’ve learned searching for a new recipe.

My kid just called me by “hey you” and I saw all my other kids and the dogs turn and walk out of the room faster than they’ve ever walked before.

I just watched a 15 year old girl who was busy texting walk into a light post and I am no longer an atheist.

My daughter helped make dinner and decided to cook the entire box of spaghetti so if any of you gets hungry in like the next month and half hit us up

me: I got a cookie just for donating blood

friend: *woozily waking up* whose blood

Interviewer: can I get you anything?

Me: yea a job

[first date]

Her: omg are you wearing a cape? Lol

Me: [texting mom] ok you were right about the cape

*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube

By the time he entered rehab, Popeye was more spinach than sailor man.

😂😂😂

When my husband is mad at me,
I like to point at my wedding ring
and whisper “forever”

If my wife doesn’t win anything on this $2 scratch ticket, it’s going to go down as one of the worst birthday presents ever.

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Do you know why I stopped?
*silence*
*a saxophone wails in the distance*

I’m finally getting the professional help I need for my origami addiction.

I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.

The worst part about getting Covid was losing my ability to smell what The Rock was cooking. 😕

“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive

“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive

When he was very, very young the Greek philosopher was a mere Aristoddler.

Why does the dentist have to take an X-ray of my teeth. They right there bro

me: I’m into essential oils

pal: oh yeah, what’s ur favourite

me: canola

Growing up was certainly the stupidest idea I had as a child.

It wasn’t a crisis until my mother heard about it.

So your kid can speak 3 languages?

That’s great. Mine can speak lizard.

There’s a brewery right next to my kid’s karate class. I propose we combine these two businesses — call it ‘Hops n Chops’.

Is running in front of cars some sort of gang initiation for squirrels?

Sometimes it’s just nice to sit back, relax, and watch shit happen to someone else for a change.

E. Coli and the dysenteries is a great name for a band

Egyptologist 1: *carefully brushing away dust from the cartouche on sandstone*

Egyptologist 2: What’s it say?

Egyptologist 1: *Studying hieroglyphics* It says, “Your third most used gif is how you really feel about Ramesses III”.

Why are holiday dinners always so early. “Come over dinner is at 1 o’clock”