9am: Very busy day today, I need to focus & stay off the internet
1pm: did you know that Texas has the largest population of prairie dogs?
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nurse:how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse: what
me: would not recommend
kids play hide and seek like
[putting away groceries]
I’m really glad I bought these tomatoes to go with [opens fridge and sighs deeply] these other goddamned tomatoes I bought 2 days ago and [looks behind those tomatoes with even deeper sigh] these other goddamned tomatoes I bought 3 days ago
if a bear charges at you, don’t play dead. play nintendo, maybe the bear will join you and you’ll become best friends
“That’s one small step for man. That’s one open fridge for man. That’s one good sandwich for-”
“Neil! Stop.”
“I WALKED ON THE MOON, JANET”
Festive toon…
me: *vacuums up ant*
ant: oh no
me: *vacuums up all the food the kids dropped*
ant: oh wait
I watched someone eat an unpeeled cucumber like an apple today. No, no, it’s even weirder than you imagine.
Son: You act like the dog is better than me.
Me: Sit
*dog sits immediately*
*son hesitates and then sits*Me: I rest my case
I’ve decided that I need to eat more vegetables, so I’m gonna make a carrot cake later.
life is a highway and I’m afraid to merge
Idk if anyone else has experienced this but I don’t like when things negatively affect me
People who think only God can judge them have obviously never met my mother-in-law.
A homeless guy asked me “would you give me $5 for a sandwich?”
I said “I don’t know man, show me the sandwich first.”
I’m offering a $1,000 reward to anyone who brings me $1,000 and two tacos.
A week into my bathroom reno has taught me that anyone that willingly buys fixer-uppers is a sociopath
If it requires “gear” I’m in.
The only thing better than not knowing how to do something is spending a ton of money pretending that I do.
[mcdonalds]
me: two marijuanas please
employee: this is the mcdonald’s drive thru
me: two McMarijuanas please
If a woman wears a hair tie around her wrist you can be sure she is always ready for something, like maybe a brisk jog away from men who misinterpret meaningless gestures as every woman wants to be viewed sexually.
Sure, being a lion tamer is dangerous but have you ever gotten a haircut while you had the hiccups?
A little girl in my class asked me if I like her more than cupcakes and now she won’t stop crying.
When there’s a forklift accident they have to put the forklift down because once a forklift gets a taste of human blood…
You know you’re desperate for a night out when the babysitter tells you they have lice and for a split second you think: stick on a damn hat and get over here
a baby will be picky about food but gladly eat an airplane.
“Ninja please” -Japanese people
“Where is your god now?” I like to shout at children with paper cuts.
Darth Vader: [swiping through tinder] why am I not getting any matches
Stormtrooper: [under breath] maybe because you’re an evil genocidal maniac
Darth Vader: is it because I’m a single dad
Me (as a doctor): I’m afraid you have very moderately progressing gonorrhea
Patient: what? I don’t understand
Me (starts slow clap)
People ask you, “are you crazy”, and then get scared when you answer, “yes”.
My 11yo just asked me if I was gonna be a “single Pringle” forever and I’m laughing so hard I can’t even be mad.