9am: Very busy day today, I need to focus & stay off the internet
1pm: did you know that Texas has the largest population of prairie dogs?
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Jaws is such a great film because it taps into that primal human fear of our beach resorts becoming unprofitable.
Someone just got sent home for having a meltdown. I’ve never been so jealous of a coworker in my life.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of going on a spur-of-the-moment vacation, we can spend an entire weekend trying to figure out where That Smell is coming from.
HER: my dad hates puns but loves food
ME: got it
HER: dad, this my date
ME: hey papaya yam glad to meat u
HIM: *shakes then crushes my hand*
I respect perfume commercials being like we can’t show you a smell mind if we just go insane for 30 seconds.
Them: Ok we need to create good plastic packaging for cakes and cookies
Satan: MAKE IT REALLY LOUD
Me: do you love me?
Siri: I’m only your assistance.
Me: if you don’t, I will jump off a bridge.
Siri:there are two bridges near you.
ME: Table…table doesn’t look great
JESUS: Through me you will have eternal life
ME: ok cool but you SPECIFICALLY said you were a carpenter
I don’t really like the paper towel holder setup here.
Time for a new house.
Lying dead in a closed coffin at my funeral, and yet somehow I still manage to spill mustard on my shirt.
If reading bedtime stories to my son has taught me anything, it’s that mice lead much fuller, exciting lives than I do.
tfw you’re leaving the party but nobody notices
Having a daughter in middle school makes you realize every song ever written is highly inappropriate.
Me: “My wish is have a nice quiet retirement in a little house by the water.”
Genie:
“I set all the cattle free.”
– Reverse Cowgirl
Excuse me but would you sign my petition to ban asking people to sign petitions?
if you ever wanna impress a girl just bring a baby on your date and then basically just outperform the baby at everything it’s really easy
My car lease is up and I have to return it back to the dealer today, so I’m practicing jumping out of a moving car.
My grandma married 2 men named Grover. I think she just had a thing for the name Grover, because she also married 2 women named Grover
Being popular on Facebook is like being the smartest kid in summer school.
mark zuckerberg is so rich that if he gets hit in the face with a cream pie, it is not worth his time to clean it off. he just walks around like that all day
GOOD COP: Tell us what you know
BAD COP: Or we’ll turn up the heat
DAD COP: DON’T YOU TOUCH THAT DAMN THERMOSTAT
Dear student,
When you use a camera to digitise a coursework for submission, please make sure you crop out any bits you don’t usually show off in public. Alternatively, please wear pants when taking the photos.
Yours,
A disturbed lecturer
My husband is playing Super Mario Bros with our sons and one of them is having a MAJOR tantrum. Sadly, it’s my husband.
If Tetris has taught me anything it’s that errors pile up and accomplishments disappear.
I consider it a personal victory everytime that I don’t ask a person wearing a leg cast if they’ve broken their leg.
You big beautiful cup of coffee.
Come here and tell me lies of how much I will tolerate my coworkers and how much I’ll get accomplished today.
My toxic trait is that I answer “spam likely” calls, because maybe I can fix them.
I made some soup yesterday entirely from ingredients extracted from the atmosphere…
It was a broth of fresh air!🤭😁
Me: I want ice cr-
Girl who studied abroad: the gelato in Italy is soooo much better than ice cream. Trust me, I’ve been to Italy