Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you would have told me when I started this account that my dumb parenting jokes would eventually lead to a dream job writing for a Netflix series, I would’ve said that was crazy. Fast forward to today, and I can confirm that it’s crazy. Nothing remotely like that has happened.

Every time I walk in on my brother watching a Star War, there’s 10 characters I don’t recognize and I just walk away

Fellas, stop putting rings in our food and let us eat our Crème Brûlée in peace.

A garlic dill pickle is not for the unprepared. First, do you carry a toothbrush in your purse?

This kid at the Bar just told me Nickelback is a better band than Metallica….

Long story short….Send bail money…

*gets into canoe*

Guide: Ok, everyone grab an oar!

*gets out of canoe*

Just ran into Björk walking into her hjötel. Ljöking fjörward to her show at Pitchfjörk tjönight (hjöly shit my Icelandic is pjërfect).

COWORKER: donuts in the break room want me to grab you one?
ME: no thanks i’m on a diet
CW: are you sur-
M: OK BUT I’LL JUST HAVE THREE

If the Universe is continuing to expand then why does my rent keep going up?

I have never seen a single “when animals attack” video that I wasn’t rooting for the animal.

Just shared my screen in a business meeting, and realised that my desktop was showing a google search for “where did Scrooge McDuck get his money?”

How to Talk To A Woman Who Is Hiding Behind That Plant. Now She’s In The Alley. Wow, She’s A Fast Runner. How To Talk To The Police.

Kids are fun. For example my daughter overflowed the toilet once and now she has a toilet flushing phobia.

Drop a ring pop in front of him. If he picks it up and hands it back to you… Congratulations! You’re engaged.

The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.

Norman Bates’ favorite reference book was the enpsychopedia.

Teen: Your outfit is on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your MOM is on fleek.
Teen: (smiles) Thank you!
Me: God damn it.

In honor of the eclipse, I will also get in the way of someone brighter than me.

I implanted a voice-modulating chip in my neighbor’s chihuahua, so now, whenever he barks, it sounds like the sax riff from Careless Whispers. So soothing.

ME: *introducing date to my parents* It’s some kind of desert raisin.

Me: I’m gluten free and lactose intolerant
Them: so what do you eat?
Me: mostly cheese.

“I need a timing belt & power steering for my life” I say to my new bros, using the only 2 car-terms I know in a single testosterone bullet.

Been yelling just awful things at people, trying to improve my chef skills.

Friday, Friday, all gonna die next Friday. Everybody’s gettin’ ready for the world’s end. Gotta make My mind up: Which souls should I take?

Lord, grant me the serenity to accept the terms and conditions I do not read.

Petition to allow customer service employees to fight at least one customer per day.

Columbus has to be the worst guy to go to the mat for. The guy took notes the whole time & all of them are like “they were friendly so I killed them” & “note: we should do slavery here” and everyone else’s notes are like “I am trapped on a boat with a murderer”

When I was just a little girl, I asked my mother what will I be. Will I be pretty, will I be rich? Here’s what she said to me:
GO TO SLEEP.

*curtsying before the royal duck court*

M’allard!

If pigs do eventually fly I bet they’ll take off from airporks.