Apparently “cheesecake & tacos” wasn’t the answer the interviewer was looking for when he asked me what my weaknesses are.
9*picking his nose*
wife:Get your finger out of your nose!
me [alone in the bedroom] *takes finger out of nose* *whispers* How did she know?
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Who called it a pillow fight and not assault with a bedly weapon?
Thanks for following.
I think I have a sleeping disorder.
It’s called children
Wife just found out my ring tone for her is “ding dong the witch is dead” so if anyone wants to race to Canada READY SET GO
A REAL CONVERSATION I HEARD BETWEEN TWO GROWN MEN AT TIRES PLUS:
Man #1: *getting ready to pay* Is it a swipey swipe
Man #2: No it’s a chippy chip
Potential Employer: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Me: “In the break room, with my arm stuck in the vending machine.”
You’re the Pepsi of people.
Some people like you, but they’re wrong.
I’m gonna be a professional farmer when I grow up. I’ve been wanting to get in that field for years.
I don’t trust anyone who bikes to work for reasons other than a DUI
*orders a medium pizza*
PIZZA: I’ve contacted your late grandmother. She wants you to know-