@iwearaonesie

9*picking his nose*
wife:Get your finger out of your nose!
me [alone in the bedroom] *takes finger out of nose* *whispers* How did she know?

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@MeganBaca1

Apparently “cheesecake & tacos” wasn’t the answer the interviewer was looking for when he asked me what my weaknesses are.

@Not_The_Rule

Who called it a pillow fight and not assault with a bedly weapon?

Thanks for following.

@Mashby811

I think I have a sleeping disorder.

It’s called children

@GrantTanaka

Wife just found out my ring tone for her is “ding dong the witch is dead” so if anyone wants to race to Canada READY SET GO

@madisonbosil

A REAL CONVERSATION I HEARD BETWEEN TWO GROWN MEN AT TIRES PLUS:

Man #1: *getting ready to pay* Is it a swipey swipe

Man #2: No it’s a chippy chip

@Roxtalled2

Potential Employer: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?”

Me: “In the break room, with my arm stuck in the vending machine.”

@GinAndJif

You’re the Pepsi of people.

Some people like you, but they’re wrong.

@Michael_Erhart

I’m gonna be a professional farmer when I grow up. I’ve been wanting to get in that field for years.

@DanMentos

*orders a medium pizza*
*opens box*
PIZZA: I’ve contacted your late grandmother. She wants you to know-
*eats pizza*