9*picking his nose*
wife:Get your finger out of your nose!
me [alone in the bedroom] *takes finger out of nose* *whispers* How did she know?
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since people are posting their 2022 accomplishments I’d like to share that in April, I went to put a bowl of soup in the microwave but absentmindedly stuck it in the oven and spent 10 mins freaking out that the microwave had somehow zapped my soup into the void
My 5-year-old loves pickles so much that I have to cut her off like she’s some drunk dude at a bar, “you’ve had enough, buddy.”
Bear 1: Is that guy playing Nickelback on his hike?
Bear 2: Yup. Give me a minute to stretch.
Tax questionnaires make me sad. “Still single? Still no home? No kids? Life is meaningless?” Get out of my FACE Turbo Tax
I’m not saying the Internet lies, but there is an alarming discrepancy in the number of iPads I’ve won and the number that I actually own.
#gardening
My husband said he wants a blowie for his birthday. I don’t know what he’ll do with this snow blower in summertime…luckily it was on sale.
[Trump speaking at rally]
I love this country. I love America. I love singing the *looks at smudged writing on hand* Strawbangled Panther
I told my mom I dreamt I was an autumn leaf and she thought that was super weird, so you can see why I hesitate to mention the portal opening up behind the spice rack.
Your Parents divorced because your Dad didn’t want to put your talentless paintings on the fridge.
Benjamin Button
Started off dead
Violets are blue
Roses are red
If we just refer to ISIS as “Nickelback” maybe nobody will want to join them
A woman at the grocery store stopped me and asked “Do you know where the cheese is?” and it was the only time in my life that I confidently gave directions.
[commercial]
WOMAN: have u ever wondered what would happen if a car alarm could swim?
NARRATOR: geese
I shake my bottled water so the H’s & O’s are evenly distributed.
They don’t seem to abduct humans like they used to; looks like we are not the only planet with government science-funding budget cuts. Sad.
If I wasn’t supposed to have vodka for breakfast they shouldn’t have made it taste so good with orange juice.
Did it again.
Ticked the wrong box in an online survey and I’m now officially in the Sugababes
Every smiling face in a conga line is pleading with you, “Please join our conga line, or we’ll feel stupid.” I didn’t start this mess. Get yourselves out of it.
As an automobile advocate, I am begging people to stop using the term “Accident” and instead use “Car interaction”.
[Rain]
Earthworms: yes yes yes the prophecy is happening again, we will surface to the top and march on the sidewalk for no reason yes
cashier: would you like to donate to help fight kids—
me: lemme stop you right there. yes
This might sound like an off the wall question. But what do you think of parkour?
Things that keep me up at night #6874
The time my mother decided to be a wing woman (wing aunt?) for my cousin at my uncle’s funeral…
My brain considers names irrelevant information.
Every time I meet someone new and they introduce themselves, my brain just goes “nope, that name goes in the bin”
I was almost malled to death by a bear. He had me waiting outside of Bath & Body Works for like an hour.
I love you…
…r dog.
Billion dollar idea: Meth with Flouride
Me: asks my oldest son to do anything at all
Him: plays dead
Dads on here: my kid is such an amazing person. I love them. Moms on here: let me tell you what this little shit stain did today.