Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why do we need to learn History? George Washington didn’t need it and he was a King.

I always leave my vehicles gas on empty because I want thiefs to be as pissed off as my wife

There’s something I want to tell you
*goes down on one knee*
*girl puts her hands on her chest*
I can tie my shoelaces without looking.

I can’t believe someone had the audacity to tell ME *gestures wildly at self* that I’m dramatic

I know this place will prepare my taxes competently–they have a guy dressed as the Statue of Liberty waving at passersby.

-no one ever

The doctor said to spread my legs wider for the exam. Going to the optometrist is kind of fun.

4: Mama, I’m not feeling so good.

Me: What’s wrong baby girl?

4: I haven’t had spaghetti for so long my stomach misses it. Listen, *puffs up belly* you can hear my tummy cry.

I wonder if Barbers got into the business to just sweep hair

[throwes some foam packing peanuts into a pond]

“HEY! NO LITERING–”

shh wait

[a flock of rubber duckies float over squeaking excitedley]

Always do the right thing
everyone has a camera.

My cat is bilingual. He ignores me in both English and Spanish.

“Please stop that.” -person who witnessed first guy beatboxing

We’re just a typical family. My wife is in the kitchen baking her secret recipe cupcakes and my sons are outside lighting the shed on fire.

Satan cannot be everywhere,
So Relatives were created..

I only had 3 goals in Monopoly as a kid:

Dog game piece
Boardwalk and Park Place.
Steal your money when you go to the bathroom.

Help! Has anybody seen a little boy with a corndog?

Stranger: He’s over there!

Oh thank God! [steals little boy’s corndog and runs away]

I got my patience from waiting half the day to download a song from Limewire

Peach cobbler so good you can’t even taste the cyanide.

After staying home with the kids, my first day back to work was going great until I peed with the door open yelling SHARE!

Just reminded when my mate went to a bday party in the US, didn’t know many people & was shy – so when they sang happy birthday she rly decided to get into the “hip hip hooray!”without realising they don’t do it there. Went from quiet to all of a sudden SCREAMING hip hip hooray

My problem areas are my upper arms & earth

Today’s Generation: “Omg my parents never let me have anything.” via iPhone.

Spent a summer in Rome, so I’m fluent in dropping that into conversation

NURSE: I promise. It’s ok. You can come in.
MAILMAN (trembling): are..are you sure
DR DOG: *locked in his office just going freakin nuts*

media CEO: we’re doing a series on salary transparency!
same media CEO: wait no stop asking about mine

Hey girl are you Bruschetta because you give me aggressive heartburn and i cant pronounce your name

Beers ranked:

1-First beer after work
2-Post yard work beer
3-Shower beer
4-Vacation beer
5-All other beer

Drafting a lengthy preamble to a meeting I’m running helps to set the tone, provide context, and guarantee that I’m never asked to run a meeting again

If the United States ever collapses, the upside is that we can finally use the blue starry part of American flags to make wizard hats.