[9pm on a Saturday night]
Apple Watch: You can still do it! Just take a brisk 20 minute walk to close your exercise ring.
Me: You know I can “forget” to charge you anytime I choose, right?
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Why do they have the Met gala on a monday? the celebs probably have to come straight from from work
TWO hops this time?
In this economy?
Idioms are annoying so I won’t count chickens that cry over spilt milk at the drop of a hat or bark up the wrong apples and oranges tree because at the end of the day, it is what it is, and it ain’t over til the fat lady kills two birds with a piece of cake.
15: I smell upsexy.
Me: What the hell is upsexy?
15: Not much. What’s up with you?
not sure why we don’t use this thing more often
The secret to fishing is on the first day you find the biggest fish you can and punch it in the face
My top 5 yoga positions
5 Napping Warrior
4 Downward Spiral
3 Crying Plank
2 Farting Tree
1 Drunk Hasselhoff
Only wearing tennis skirts from now on and frankly disappointed in myself for not thinking of it sooner.
my dream DUI is driving a Saab through the Great British Bake Off tent
Parents who have allowed your
8 yr olds to become spoiled brats …We’ll check back in 10 years to see
how that worked out for you.
A Pringles Tube but for Donuts
FIRST KID: I’d rather not medicate her.
SUBSEQUENT CHILDREN: *Googles, “How much Benadryl will make her sleep for three days straight?”*
If all your friends jumped off a bridge, would you Instagram it?
Lois Lane survived until she was, like, 30, without Superman. Then she starts falling off buildings practically once a week.
I think Superman was pushing her.
My 8yo (a qualitative soul): How cool is THAT!!
Me (a quantitative soul): *reaches for thermometer*
bouncer: can’t let you in. try the place 5 minutes down the road
guy: do you know who i am?! i’m usain bolt!
bouncer: oh, sorry. 2 minutes down the road
That last arrested development season was pretty bad but I still laugh thinking of this cut that is supposed to be seconds after the previous season ended but can’t mask the 6 years production gap
Any room can be a bathroom if you hate the person who’s house you’re in.
Girl on the train complimented me and said I was funny, responded with “thanks, it’s all I have” and the rest of the train gave me a worried look
Hey, want to be best friends again?
-6, eyeing the birthday gifts that 4 just opened
A new restaurant in my neighborhood offers a tasting menu but it just tasted like paper to me.
a camel walks into a bar and the
bartender says, “hey you can’t bring your own drinks in here”
Nobody suspects that you’re digging a grave when you’re always working on your landscape.
ME: (peeing in the corner of the elevator)
GUY: We’re not even stuck.
the mechanic said it would be $800 to fix my brakes and I actually thought “how badly do I need them”
I just bought one share of stock. I’m a finance bro now.
people who take naps are the real heroes out there, it takes courage to wake up twice in a day.
Last night I read that it takes people an average of 7 minutes to fall asleep. And then I laid awake the entire night thinking about that.
what idiot called it a chicken instead of an eggplant
Save a horse, ride a wave of anxiety.