Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Hey, people who cover their mouth when they laugh; noone is trying to steal your teeth”, i hiss through my very normal amount of teeth.

bill nye is short for william new year’s eve

Hagrid: you’re a gizzard Harry

Harry: i’m a what

Hagrid: a blizzard

Harry: a what

Hagrid: a scissors

Harry: what

Hagrid [in tears, trying so hard]: a squidward

I love when other parents ask me how old my kid is and then say “that’s a good age” like at some point am I gonna say a number and they’re gonna say “oh damn that sucks?”

Is ChatGPT my father in law because it keeps making stuff up and passing it as fact

[itsy bitsy spider diary]

Day 47 of my attempt to climb water spout. Weather looks good. Hopeful.

I went upstairs to grab my charger I brushed my hair, picked up some dirty clothes, changed my sons diaper, put on deodorant, came back downstairs, vacuumed the entire first floor & picked up some toys. I just sat down to plug in my phone & realized I never grabbed the charger.

Money doesn’t impress me. You know what does? Treehouses.

To save money, instead of going to the club, I just get drunk at home and yell “what?” into a mirror over and over.

My neighbor hates when I go over to borrow a cup of money.

I was just at my neighbors house with my kids and a bunch of other neighbor kids and the host asked a 3yo if she could get her anything and the girl goes “could you bake a pie?”

Me: Absolutely broke.

Advertisers: She’s ready. Target her with the nicest shoes ever.

Nana said I took too much NyQuil so I laughed at her and then she turned back into a paper clip and jumped into my fave Law & Order episode.

Minnesota is my favorite state that sounds like it’s a small soft drink.

that awkward moment when a friend is complaining about their spouse, but you start to identify with the spouse

[flashback to 1st date]

*cuts round hole in bottom of popcorn

Me: Popcorn?
Her: No thanks.
(Mom reaches from row behind)
“I’ll have some.”

Me, looking for my phone: *calls it 5 times*

Me, finding my phone: Wow! I have 5 missed calls.

Dating another woman, expectations: pillow fights in lingerie, suprising eachother w/ flowers, romantic baths, pride parades

Reality: passing the same cold back & forth, “are you wearing my jeans again?”, hair everywhere, “it’s MY turn to lean on YOUR chest!”, who’s bra is this

[at a fancy restuarant]
WIFE: make sure u leave a good tip
ME: ok [writing on bill] “only evolve ur pokemon when uve activated a lucky egg”

Me: I don’t have a jealous bone, in my body.

Fibula: Silently plots revenge.

“I’m not like other American tourists.” I tell the waiter, who looks at us puzzled, so I sigh and repeat myself slower and louder.

I’ll complain about the government invading my privacy after I tell you where I am on Facebook and posting what I’m eating on Instagram.

Someone should have warned me, that when you have kids, they talk to you, like, ALL. THE. TIME.

I forget ONE TIME and my wife changes all my passwords and sets the security question to: “When is your anniversary?”

That’s right, I always have subtitles on. Do you know how hard it is to hear anything over the sound of munching snacks?

The cat puked all over the bath mat so I just tossed it into the trash can. Then I put the bath mat in the washer.

Congratulations parents! You made it through the Terrible Twos! Your child is now three!

You’re gonna want to be sitting down for what I’m about to tell you…

Why, yes, I am dressed for the weather.

I am wearing a house.

Him: I’m gonna throw you over my shoulder, carry you into the bedroom, toss you onto the bed, and have my way with you…

Me: Ok but on the way to the bedroom, can we swing by the fridge?