[9pm on a Saturday night]
Apple Watch: You can still do it! Just take a brisk 20 minute walk to close your exercise ring.
Me: You know I can “forget” to charge you anytime I choose, right?
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You can’t offend me I have teenagers.
Him: How was your day?
Me: (watching a movie about a shark trapped in a grocery store) Very busy.
According to the 25th Amendment, if the President is incapacitated, the Vice President becomes the executive producer of “The Apprentice.”
Rather than waste money on charity for the homeless, let’s invest in splicing their genes with snails so they always have their own shelter.
[first day as an undercover cop]
mobster: are you wearing a wire
guy in my earpiece: say no
me: they said to tell you no
ME: nice fanny pack u weirdo
KANGAROO: *puts phone in pouch, pulls out a knife*
ME: holy shit
How long after the expiration date can you eat chicken. Is it three days? I guess we’re all going to find out together
Her: Stop being so territorial.
Me: *peeing a circle around her* I have no idea what you mean.
My wife asked me: “What’s the most risky, dangerous food you’ve ever eaten.”
Me: “wedding cake”.
Whoever decided on spelling “biscuit” really needs to get their shuit together.
So far this “doctor” has insisted on giving me a haircut and 9 shots for a stomach ache and when I questioned her credentials she called the police on me.
4: *hands me toy phone* Talk to them.
[DOG COP TV DRAMA]
DOG SHERIFF: Drop the gun, Scruffy. Be a good boy!
SCRUFFY: I know a little secret *lifts gun* All dogs go to Heaven.
Texting you back right away doesn’t make me a psycho.
What makes me a pyscho is watching you through your window while petting your cat.
Such bullshit that people stop saying “You ate it all! Good job!” once you reach a certain age
My next door neighbor has been knocking on my front door for hours.
Does she really think I am going to let her leave?
*Switches between 4 different news channels for an hour*
Has literally no idea what’s going on in the world
What Kermit (the frog) is called in different countries:
10. Kermit (Denmark)
9. Kermit (France)
8. Kermit (Japan)
7. Kermit (Slovakia)
6. Kermit (Italy)
5. Kermit (Canada)
4. Kermit (Iceland)
3. Kermit (the Netherlands)
2. Kermit (Poland)
1. Gustavo (Spain)
Me, to 10yo: The first step in doing your math homework is *starts crying*
I dunno man, I think if Ariel saw this version of the human world she’d have jumped back into the ocean with or without her mermaid tail.
Blind dates are the best because they can’t see me stealing all of the food from their plate
date catches me googling “how to hamburger” when she asks if i can cook
WELL OFFICER IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO SEE ME MASTURBATING YOU SHOULDN’T HAVE PULLED ME OVER
Daylight Saving Time is increasingly hard to notice when my digital are devices are like, “What? Nothing happened. We know what time it is.”
And my stove is left blinking and screaming, “IT HAPPENED! TIME SHIFTED UNNATURALLY! THEY’RE ALL LYING! ONLY I KNOW! ONLY I REMEMBER!”
Yes I have exams.
No, I’m not easily distracted.
Yes, my shadow is interesting.
“I can’t wait to feel you between my thighs tonight,” I say to my new memory foam pillow, which has been helping realign my spine while granting remarkable relief from lower back pain.
If I saw an elephant in the room, that’s ALL I’d be talking about.
At a red light:
Me: *turns to face car next to me*
*rolls down window*
Guy: *looks*
Me: *loudly sings song*
*dances*
G: *panicked look*
The contents of my son’s last diaper was so upsetting to both of us we shared a cigarette after I changed it.
oprah: who said that shit
meg: im not gonna say
oprah: okay i respect that
oprah: harry who said that shit to you
Atheists don’t seem to recognize church is worth it for the bake sales alone.
God, or no god, those are good Brownies.