9y/o: Are you mad at me?
Me: Not at all…Why would I be mad at you?
9y/o: I thought you might be mad bc I broke the picture in my room.
Me: What picture? I didn’t know you broke a picture?
9y/o: I’m just so glad you’re not mad at me.Well played, sir.
I am a man, a man with a cold, so I guess this is goodbye.
Doctors who give out lollipops really treat their patients
I have 2 words for you:
Waffle.
Pants.Also, I may be high from paint fumes.
Sorry, I can’t be around you today.
The temptation to smack you in the face is just too great.
Don’t become a scientist y’all, it’s a trap.
When it works, you gotta do more experiments.
When it doesn’t work, you gotta do more experiments.
Mark Zuckerberg says he wears a grey t-shirt everyday because he doesn’t want to waste time on things that don’t matter.
He runs Facebook.
My toxic trait is drinking a giant cup of water and then getting on an hour and a half conference call
The genie sang that whole song about how he’s gonna be Aladdin’s best friend ever right in front of the monkey
Mom: If all your friends jumped off a cliff would you do it too?
Me:If all parents used that same metaphor would you use it too?
#slapped
Having someone sing you to sleep is so comforting.
Until you realize you live alone.
pretty disappointing remote islands don’t control other islands.
Farmer: I love my job
Wife: But all you do all day is round up cows
Farmer: What did you say to me?
Wife: You herd
Me: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender!
Date: Haha because you say something and he says it back to you
Me: He’s murdered 7 people
Me: “Want a banana?”
3yo: “Yes, but don’t cut it up. And don’t peel it. And don’t make it be a banana. Make it be a waffle.”
bought some granny panties— turns out they’re not even made of little old ladies
COP: pull over
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
picture a potato but sexy
lol i just tricked u into thinking of me naked
If God had a sense of humor herpes would glow in the dark.
Therapist: How do you feel?
Me: With my hands.
T: Do you deflect a lot?
Me: Only sharp objects. If it’s fluffy, I just let it hit me.
Someone asked me what I was doing this weekend and I panicked at the thought of making plans so I said I was doing my taxes
Having a child in your house is like having a sticky poltergeist. Fingerprints everywhere. Shit disappears and reappears at random times and places. Not to mention the odd, seemingly disembodied wailing
I don’t usually spank the kids while we’re in Walmart but yours were just asking for it.
quarantine day 3
*montage of me teaching a penguin to do everything my son Brian can do*
Wife: Where’s Brian?
Me: [studying her closely] He’s… right here?
Fluffy towels that don’t absorb anything but just move water around on your body are the devil’s handiwork.
All I want for Christmas is my gross pay
Elmer Fudd discusses relationship with Bugs Bunny in revealing new interview. “Pwofessional. Not fwiends…it’s compwicated.”
Me: Now that you’re in kindergarten, you’re going work on being a good citizen to your classmates. Do you know what that means?
My 5YO: Yeah like don’t swear at them and don’t punch them.
Me: … yeah, pretty much
Got fired from my job at the zoo because I kept trying to wax the turtles
