9y/o: *digging a hole in the backyard* I buried this box, with some coins in it, a few days ago. But as soon as I did I just couldn’t stop worrying about it. I don’t know how pirates do it.
You Might Also Like
Y’all will never guess what her husband bought her. I’m hollering!!
Interviewer: It says here on your resume you can make chicks laugh, how?
Me [holding a chick in my hand & tickling it]: I’m a miracle worker
no..
one…cleans like Gaston
quarantines like Gaston
no one stops spreading COVID-19 like Gaston
My dad gets drunk and sends me this picture at least 3 nights a week
Some of you never rooted for Godzilla and it shows.
When I eat spaghetti I always check both ends of the noodle so I don’t accidentally kiss a dog.
I enjoy learning about the world by watching the Olympics. So far I’ve learned that Canada ISN’T the only country that participates in curling.
me: going to the gym
friend: but it’s 2AM
me: got to exercise my demons
Please stop adding touchscreens to cars most of these idiots can barely drive as it is
love getting up in the middle of the night to make myself a little chaos snack. sure i’ll put chicken nuggets and cheese sticks in a tortilla. it’s 2 am god can’t see me here
Never trust anyone who says “let me be Frank” no, what is your real name?
“You got a friend in me” – your friend’s girlfriend
Woke up this morning, looked in the mirror & said out loud, “You gotta bring it today!”
SO I’M GONNA BRING IT!
*brings lunch to work*
“Do you want to hear a really good Batman impression?”
“Go on then”
“NOT THE KRYPTONITE!”
“That’s Superman”
“Thanks, I’ve been practicing.”
Sometimes marriage is about love & compromise other times it’s about letting the garbage get so full & seeing who will cave first.
God: so you shoot them with the arrows
Cupid: yes
God: and then they fall in love
Cupid: right
God: with other compatible people
Cupid: uh well-
God: who will love them back
Cupid:
God:
Cupid: sure
[Watching “Aliens,” sees the first alien]
Me: I bet at least one more alien shows up
[rescued at sea]
Coastguard: Where are the others?
Me: Had to eat them.
CG: You were out there for 4 hours.
M: They really got on my nerves.
I get so cross when my 10yr old says I didn’t mean to do it after I tell her off about something. And then I remember that I said those exact words to my mum when I flooded the entire house when I was 14.
11yo said he can’t wait to grow up so he won’t have to do chores anymore. I had forgotten how cathartic it is to laugh until you cry.
*buys a sectional couch made of cauliflower*
*puts on workout clothes*
*opens a jumbo size bag of Doritos*
Breakfast: Banana Bread
Lunch: Orange Creamsicle
Dinner: Carrot Cake
Vegetarianism is hard.
me: you think i’m too obsessed with gardening?
friend: yeah we’re starting to grow concerned.
me: ooh how often do you water that.
i have quarantined a small hotdog within the confines of a small crescent roll which i have quarantined in my belly
Normalize responding to work emails with:
“What the fuck are you talking about?”
I grew up in a really small town. The closest thing we had to food delivery was someone egging your house.
[shopping on full stomach] bread, eggs, milk
[shopping on empty stomach] cookies, chips, a taco truck, a pizza shop, an ice cream factory
Mom: if all your friends jumped off a bridge would you jump too
Me: no
Mom: how about 1 friend
Me: what
Mom: ok no friends & a ride there
My first job in retail taught me that the customer is always right. Until they’re out of earshot.