9y/o: *digging a hole in the backyard* I buried this box, with some coins in it, a few days ago. But as soon as I did I just couldn’t stop worrying about it. I don’t know how pirates do it.
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[At bar]
Me: As a joke, I’m gonna pee my pants
Wife: Seriously? You’re a married man now
M: Right…sorry. I’m gonna pee “our” pants#BT140
You are not alone 💚
China are probably making all the medals anyway.
When you were young, Adele? You’re 28.
Shut the hell up.
date: i like a guy who’s strong-
me: i can bench 130 lbs
date: enough to tell the truth
me: on the moon
Started saying “see ya next year” to everyone. Seems to really creep people out when they have no idea who the hell you are
My daughter told me breathing is for losers and now I have to somehow surreptitiously check her for gills
Spielberg missed a great opportunity when he didn’t put FIN at the end of Jaws.
before coffee: don’t talk to me
after coffee: please don’t talk to me
If I were an orthopedic surgeon, I would totally set up shop at the end of a Home Depot aisle
I wear a 3-piece suit to bed in case someone breaks in & we have nothing to talk about. “Did you notice I’m wearing a suit?” “Yes”
If they made “I Know What You Did Last Summer” now it would be like, duh, of course you do, I posted it all on Instagram.
MY CAT (checking her watch urgently): 3:30am? oh heavens I was almost late for parkouring loudly about the house
Attention!! To Whomever has my voodoo doll… I could really use a back rub.
My favorite part about family dinner is when my brother says how he made 600K last year and I get to say someone made a clock of my Avi.
mob boss: rip his fingernails off
henchman: they’re bitten really short
mob boss: then do his toenails!
henchman: [removing my socks] you’re not gonna believe this
even worse than arguing with a stupid person online is when an even stupider person joins in but they’re on your side
me: *gritting my teeth* they will pay for this. you’ll see. they will ALL pay for this
waitress: okaaay… so separate checks then?
Where there’s a will there’s a way. You just have to be nice to your rich aunt
Me: Man I’m never going to find the one
Friend: You will, dude
Me: [browsing Netflix] There’s just too many options
sticking my hand out the car window while driving, for science
don’t ask me “what dat mouth do?” if you’re not prepared to hear it burp the alphabet.
*God inventing raccoons*
God: Hehe.. this’uns my lil bandit
Dude, u ok?
God: Ima give him a lil mask
Get some sleep
God: He’ll rob stuff lol
My son was at his blacksmithing camp yesterday. He came home with a knife “forged in the dark of an eclipse.”
I am so proud.
Today I bought new wipers at Canadian Tire, walked out to the parking lot and replaced them, threw the old ones in the trash can by the main doors, walked back to my car, only to realize I replaced the wipers on the wrong car.
(At a funeral)
Im so sorry for your loss. I know how it feels to lose something you love. Last year Taylor Swift took her music off Spotify.
Children give terrible gifts because they’re poor.
usher: bride or groom
me: just a guest
usher: no which are you here for
me: neither I’m married
My daughter just asked me to go in a corn maze with her, and now she is telling me stories about serial killers, and if I don’t make it out she is definitely my favorite child and also probably the killer
Cow werewolves transform during a full moo.
…No, YOU shut up.