9y/o: *digging a hole in the backyard* I buried this box, with some coins in it, a few days ago. But as soon as I did I just couldn’t stop worrying about it. I don’t know how pirates do it.
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Is it considered rude to ask your boss if it hurt when the house fell on her in The Wizard of Oz?
To be frank, I’ll need to commit an identity fraud.
Husband; Who was at the door?
Me: The neighbors. They invited us over for drinks later. They said to come by at 6:37.
Husband: Do you think they meant 6:30? 7?
Me:
Husband:
Me: Yeah, that does make more sense.
When one door closes, another one opens which is also one of the first signs you probably have a poltergeist.
I hate when you have 47 items and the cashier asks, “Do you need a bag?” Oh no, I’m heading right back to the circus, so I’ll just juggle all this shit for 6 miles”
Have you seen the new movie, “Constipation”? It may not have come out yet.
[1st day as a Transformer]
GAS STATION ATTENDEE: And your total comes to $43,789.95
ME: (becomes a Decepticon)
[God creating cheesecake]
GOD: [stuffing his face] oh man this is so good
ANGEL: shouldn’t u share it?
GOD: [creates lactose intolerance]
sometimes I take the clothes off my treadmill when I run on it & sometimes I just run on top of them
Me: a cop once told me that I was the politest drunk he’d ever met
Interviewer: I meant achievements relating to the job
Nothing brings a large group of neighbors together like something that’s none of their business.
*accidentally walks into lion’s den
*goes back to party in lion’s living room
Capri sun packages were designed to teach kids how to do emergency tracheotomies
You can literally be in Autozone and your kid will still want something. WTF you want a alternator?
Husband: “Lost my keys again.”
Wife: “It’s in your Jeans.”
Husband: “Come on, Why do you have to Drag my family into this!”
If there was a game show where people have to find a phone charger before their phone dies I would win the million dollars
avoided the guys with the white uniforms and human sized nets again so yeah it was a decent day
[commenting under wife’s facebook status where she thanks everyone for coming to our son’s bday party] do we have any mustard?
Thought somebody was touching my neck so I turned around and did a karate chop stance, turns out it was just my feather earring.
Me: Now I am become death. The destroyer of worlds.
Him: Stop talking to your burrito and just eat it.
I learned today the the gender neutral version of Sugar Daddy is Glucose Guardian and I support that
Always get double toppings on take out pizza so you can eat one of the toppings off as an appetizer during your drive home.
Ghost: they can’t kill us
Wife: that’s what u said last time
Ever since I had my fingerprints taken for employment, I often sit at my desk gazing off in the distance, reflecting over the opportunity of an exciting life of crime lost by accepting this job.
Four Worst Feelings Ever:
4. Losing your job
3. Romantic break up
2. Death of a loved one
1. Needing to pee when you’re stuck in traffic
I’ve got a couple of eyebrow hairs that want me to be a villain.
met my new neighbor and we talked about how we both own cats and both like industrial music. she invited me to go dancing with her sometime and i jokingly said “and we can bring our cats!” and she gets deadly serious and goes “they won’t let them in. what with allergies and all”
Poetry is my passion
I don’t understand “standing desks.” Why take away the only good thing about a desk?